By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

We're standing by LIVE at couchside for the 2013 Royal Rumble, presented by lots of lots and snacks.

Yes, this should be one of the greatest Royal Rumble matches ever, headlined by 29 fantastic WWE superstars. And The Miz.

It's preshow time, which is why Josh Mathews is standing by with The Big Show. Hey, Big Show, here's the replay of you losing your title. How does that make you feel? Yeah, this will go well.

Tony Dawson and Matt Striker are calling the pre-show match. Dawson has a unique speech pattern, as if he's waiting for Stephen Hawking to enter the words in his brain before he can speak.

Let's get to this match before YouTube craps the bed again. Nope, there's the hype video. Maybe instead of bringing Ric Flair in to teach the figure-four, WWE should have had Mick Foley teach Miz the Mandible Claw.

Striker: "Cesaro has what the kids call swag." Matt Striker has what the kids call "Douchiness."

Miz goes for what might have been a top rope double stomp and tweaks his knee. Not that it plays into the finish. Cesaro wins clean with the Neutralizer. Pretty good pre-show action.

Okay, I'm switching over to the pay-per-view now.

WWE is now and forever, just like "Cats." The WWE voiceover guy is now the guy who used to do voiceovers for TNA. I don't know if you're aware of this, but C.M. Punk is wrestling The Rock tonight.

The Road to WrestleMania begins now. If that road turns out to be I-95, you should probably allow a few extra days time for traffic.

We kick it off with Alberto Del Rio defending the Smackdown Title against Big Show in a Last Man Standing rematch. I was going to make the easy joke about Show's size, but then I remembered this is "No Name Calling Week" in WWE.

Backstage, Alberto Del Rio receives an endorsement from Mexican wrestling legend Bret "The Hitman" Hart. Wait a minute...

John Bradshaw Layfield kicks off the year in WWE pay-per-view by ripping Mil Mascaras a new one on commentary. Attaboy, JBL.

Del Rio and Big Show are putting together a good David vs. Goliath match. You can tell the fans are into it because they're chanting "We Want Tables."

According to Cole, Del Rio feels bad about the way he used to treat Ricardo Rodriguez. Well, that's something. Del Rio hits a groin kick and a boot to the head, which puts Show down for a nine count. Remind me again why Show thought this match was a good idea?

Show drags Del Rio up the set with him, where Show chokeslams Del Rio through a table. That was NOT a good landing. Del Rio's up at nine.

They fight back to the ring. Big Show has Del Rio in serious trouble, so he decides to finish Del Rio off by...throwing himself through the barricade.

Del Rio gets Big Show in the cross armbreaker and Del Rio duct tapes Show's legs to the bottom ropes. The crowd loves it. Oh, wait. No, they don't. Show can't free himself and Del Rio is still your Smackdown champion.

Matt Striker interviews Dolph Ziggler. Big E. Langston steals Striker's microphone and does the interview instead. Okay, Big E. is awesome.

WWE wants you to send a Slim Jim to the troops. Why don't we send them to Gitmo instead? You know, now that we're not allowed to waterboard the prisoners.

We get the backstage promos from the Rumble participants. To me, that's a better deal than the "Royal Rumble By The Numbers" videos.

Time for the tag team title match. JBL wins the evening by claiming Cody Rhodes looks like a "jacked-up Freddie Mercury."

Sorry, minor dinner emergency. Daniel Bryan beats Sandow by submission in what has to be an upset. So, they might switch the titles tomorrow night on Raw. Here, watch that Royal Rumble by the numbers video again.

We get some clips from the fanfest, where little kids are hugging Kane. And while we have a moment before the Rumble match, let me remind you that James Caldwell is doing the actual play-by-play. I'm in charge of smartassed comments.

Is there any way we can have the Be A Star people follow Vince McMahon and Triple H around for a day? And film it?

It's time.

The 1st participant is Dolph Ziggler, who makes out with A.J. Lee in the aisle. And the 2nd participant is...Chris Jericho and his Amazing Technicolor Ring Jacket! Hoo-hah!

The fans chant "You Still Got It" at Chris Jericho. Oh, come on. That's not necessary. This isn't Sting. Cody Rhodes is in at #3. Kofi Kingston is #4.

Nothing much yet. Santino Marella is #5. He was supposed to be injured. And now he's eliminated.

Drew McIntyre is your 6th participant. And the crowd goes completely silent. Jericho almost gets eliminated. Titus O'Neil is #7. Jericho eliminates McIntyre.

Goldust is your 8th participant. I poop you not. JBL says Dr. Shelby would have had a field day with Booker T. and Goldust. Yeah, let's not give anyone any great ideas.

David Otunga is Number 9. Not sure why. Heath Slater is your tenth participant. Just be patient, you people. Who's in at Number 11? Why, that's Sheamus.

Sheamus eliminates Titus O'Neal. And then David Otunga. Why do they always go after the brothers first?

Participant Number 12 is Tensai Still Works Here. Brodus Clay is #13. According to JBL, Brodus is the love child of Latoya Jackson and Sasquatch. Be a star, John.

Cody Rhodes eliminates Dustin. Booyaka Booyaka Rey Mysterio is your 14th participant. Darren Young is #15. Everybody eliminates Brodus Clay. Kofi Kingston eliminates Tensai.

Darren Young eliminates Kofi Kingston...almost. Just watch the replay on YouTube. And Bo Dallas is in at Number 16. Kingston and Darren Young get eliminated, for real this time.

The Godfather is #17. I figured they'd save him for tomorrow night in Vegas. According to JBL, the Ho Train is now the "Rat Pack." Dolph eliminates The Godfather. Wade Barrett is #18.

John Cena is #19 (Yay! Boo!) He eliminates Slater and Cody. And Participant #20 is Damien Sandow. Barrett eliminates Rey Mysterio. And entrant #21 is...Daniel Bryan. Yes! Yes! Yes!

We interrupt this round of "Let's Go Ce-na! Ce-na Sucks!" chants to inform you that Antonio Cesaro is in at #22. The Great Khali is Number 23. He might enter the ring before #24 arrives.

Let's introduce Kane at Number 24 before JBL can make any more racist comments about The Great Khali.

(Great, a whole bunch of my comments disappeared when the site dropped out for a while. Well, Cena won the Rumble. Does that help?)

Here's Ryback and Cena. Cena, of course, locks in the STF. Because he's dumb.

Cena tells the cameraman he's going to New York City. Which is awesome, because WrestleMania is in New Jersey.

Heyman was awesome with the cowardly attack on The Rock from behind. This is fun stuff.

Apparently, Paul Heyman is "The Walrus." That sounds like the worst version of The Beatles ever.

Rock tries to put Punk through the Spanish announce table with the Rock Bottom. Unfortunately, the table wasn't down with that plan, and collapses before Rock can finish the move.

Rock has Punk beat, and the lights go out and The Shield destroys Rock in the dark. (Allegedly.) C.M. Punk pins The Rock and keeps the WWE Title, despite Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler screaming to the referee that The Shield were the ones who did it.

No, wait. Here comes Bats--- Crazy Vince McMahon to save the day. Mr. McMahon starts to strip Punk of the title, but Rock takes the mic and says all he needs is a restart. Imagine that, a babyface acting like a babyface.

Yes, Rock comes back and hits the People's Elbow for the win. The Rock's your champion. John Cena's your Royal Rumble winner. Now join James & Greg for the postgame show. VIP members, join us in an hour to hear the Roundtable. Good night!

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