By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Retired" Levesque, Stephanie "Under 40" McMahon Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Minwax Wood Finish. America's finest line of interior stain products, in twenty-two colors. Minwax makes and keeps wood beautiful. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, unless it's not funny enough.

For months, we've been waiting for The Rock to get his shot at the WWE Heavyweight Title. That day has arrived. The Great One gets his match with reigning WWE champion C.M. Punk. That's the main event of tonight's show. The rest of tonight's matches aren't nearly that simple to figure out. As usual, there's a 30-man Royal Rumble, it's the day of the show, and we're STILL not sure who several of the participants are. Other than that, we're ready to roll.

Before we talk about tonight, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Enjoy these while you can, because WWE has a quick trigger finger when it comes to pulling YouTube accounts these days. Twenty years ago, at the 1993 Royal Rumble, we saw Shawn Michaels defend the WWF Intercontinental Title against his former partner, Marty Jannetty. Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan had the call.





Did you get to see this week's WWE Smackdown? No? Well, here's the opener, as WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett battles Sheamus in a rematch from Raw. There may be a few extra minutes of wrestling after that, but that's a problem with getting clips from YouTube.



What was happening on WWE Raw fifteen years ago? I'm so glad you asked! From the January 26, 1998 episode of Raw, (taped in Davis, California) where the main event was scheduled to be Triple H defending the WWF European Title against Owen Hart. But that's not what happened. Your announcers are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.


Raw 1.26.98 Part Seven


Raw 1.26.98 Part Eight

Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing this show. On with the projections!

Who are the participants for the 2013 Royal Rumble? Well, let's see. This year's list should feature Mike Mizanin, Sheamus, Wade Barrett, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, John Cena, Kofi Kingston, Jinder Mahal, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, Drew McIntyre, Daniel Bryan, Kane, Bo Dallas, Damien Sandow, Dolph Ziggler, Darren Young, Titus O'Neil, Antonio Cesaro, The Great Khali, Ryback, Rey Mysterio, Christian, Mark Henry, Zack Ryder, Road Dogg, Sin Cara, Tensai and the return of Shelton Benjamin and John Morrison.

Antonio Cesaro vs. The Miz (WWE United States Title): Hey, this idea of Ric Flair putting over The Miz as wrestling's next kiss-stealin', wheelin'-dealing', jet-flyin', figure-four using son of a gun? Yeah, that didn't work out. Sorry. Projection? Cesaro hits the Neutralizer (again) and beats The Miz, and the crowd is very pleased. Very, very pleased.

We may also see Kaitlyn successfully defend the Divas title against Alicia Fox again.

Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. Rhodes Scholars (WWE Tag Team Titles Match): It's the match everyone's been waiting for. Hopefully, tonight's tag team title bout features No Hugging and No Learning. Projection? Sandow pins Bryan while Rhodes holds Bryan's legs down from outside the ring, and we have new WWE World Tag Team Champions.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show (WWE Smackdown Title - Last Man Standing Match): Del Rio's victory over Big Show for the title a couple of weeks ago was very entertaining. Unfortunately, we've already seen the finish where Del Rio buries Show under the announcer's table. Projection? Ricardo Rodriguez drives a forklift to the ramp. Del Rio knocks Show down with an enziguiri and Ricardo pins Show under the forklift. Hey, it's a better finish than duct taping a guy to a ringpost.

And, now, it's time for the Royal Rumble. Projected Order of Entry: 1- Dolph Ziggler, 2- Zack Ryder, 3- Heath Slater, 4- Darren Young, 5- Shelton Benjamin, 6- Drew McIntyre, 7- Jinder Mahal, 8- Ryback, 9- Justin Gabriel, 10- Damien Sandow, 11- Daniel Bryan, 12- Titus O'Neil, 13- Sin Cara, 14- John Morrison, 15- The Miz, 16- Cody Rhodes, 17- Rey Mysterio, 18- Bo Dallas, 19- Kofi Kingston, 20- Tensai, 21- Sheamus, 22- Road Dogg, 23- Randy Orton, 24- Christian, 25- John Cena, 26- Wade Barrett, 27- Great Khali, 28- Antonio Cesaro, 29- Kane, 30- Mark F'n Henry.

Projection: Dolph Ziggler does his best Shawn Michaels impression to start things off. 3MB unites and takes over, driving Ziggler to hide outside the ring. Ryback hits the ring and eliminated everyone, then The Shield come out and eliminate Ryback. Sandow and Bryan stay after each other under Cody Rhodes comes in, allowing the Rhodes Scholars to pitch Bryan. Randy Orton has a good run until Sheamus eliminates him, at which point Orton is NOT happy. Cena comes in and heads for Dolph. The big guys come in one at a time until we're down to a final four of Cena, Ziggler, Sheamus and Mark Henry. The other three eliminate Henry. Ziggler pitches Sheamus and Cena dumps Ziggler to win the 2013 Royal Rumble. Yeah, I know. The Anti-Cenites will be down on this finish. Ziggler sounds good as a Royal Rumble winner until you try to explain how he wins the Rumble and then DOESN'T get a WWE Title shot at WrestleMania.

C.M. Punk vs. The Rock (WWE Title): The Shield gets around the match stipulations by beating Rock up backstage the first hour of the show. Rock limps to the ring anyway. Projection? Rock survives everything Punk can throw at him. Mike Chioda gets bumped, and Brad Maddox runs in wearing a referee shirt. Rock hits Maddox with the Rock Bottom before he can deliver a low blow to the People's Junk. Then Rock puts Punk away. Finally, after ten years, The Rock has come back to win the WWE Title.

Aftermath: Brock Lesnar shows up at Raw Roulette looking to kill people. Lesnar has no idea that DX is at Raw, and that makes for an interesting close to the show. Also, we get set up for Rock's title rematch with Punk at Elimination Chamber.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He'd like to remind his favorite NFL players to steer clear of the nightclubs in Honolulu.

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