By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Retired" Levesque, Stephanie McMahon Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Minwax Wood Finish. America's finest line of interior stain products, in twenty-two colors. Minwax makes and keeps wood beautiful. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, unless it's not funny enough.

Welcome to WWE Week! Thanks to our friends at Comcast NBC Universal, WWE will be following up tonight's epic program with a three-hour Raw tomorrow night, a two-hour commercial-free episode of Super Smackdown on Tuesday night, and a three-hour block of WWE Main Event and the annual Tribute To The Troops show on Wednesday night. (Do I have a life? Not much of one. Thanks for asking.) So if you somehow miss tonight's pay-per-view, you can probably get caught up on what you missed.

Before we talk about tonight, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Enjoy these while you can, because WWE has a quick trigger finger when it comes to pulling YouTube accounts these days. Twenty years ago, Prime Time Wrestling was WWF's flagship Monday Night program, and that show had a big main event. Let us take you to Erie, Pennsylvania, where "Macho Man" Randy Savage battled "Terrific" Terry Taylor.



Did you get the see this week's WWE Smackdown? No? Well, here's the opener, as World Heavyweight Champion Big Show took on R-Truth. There may have been a couple of extra people on commentary.



What was happening on WWE Raw fifteen years ago? I'm so glad you asked! From December 15, 1997 (taped in Durham, New Hampshire) we have a big tag team main event as the Legion of Doom battles D-Generation X. Your announcers are Jim Ross and Jim Cornette.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing this show. On with the projections!

Alicia Fox vs. Aksana Raudoniene vs. Cameron Andrew vs. Layla El vs. Kaitlyn Bonin vs. Naomi Knight vs. Natalya Neidhart vs. Tamina Snuka vs. Rosa Mendes (Santa's Little Helper Battle Royal): This match is on the free YouTube preshow in order to hook the fans into ordering the pay-per-view. Eh. Projection? Can we at least make it interesting this time? Naomi, who looked good when she actually wrestled on NXT, scores the victory.

Antonio Cesaro vs. R-Truth (WWE United States Title): Hey, we're seeing this match again! It should be a good one. But Cesaro has been losing a fair bit, plus WWE already recorded Tribute To The Troops with Cesaro as U.S. Champion. So... Projection? Cesaro hits the Neutralizer (again) and beats R-Truth (again.) I still like the idea of Jack Swagger returning to defend the honor of America against Ceasro. But if that doesn't work for you, how about former United States Olympian Mark Henry? He's ready to come back, and that would put the muscular Cesaro at a severe power disadvantage.

Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett (WWE Intercontinental Title): Barrett's impressive, but it's time we stopped swapping the secondary title belts around every month. Projection? Kingston wins with Trouble in Paradise and keeps the title. Nothing to see here.

Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara vs. Rhodes Scholars (Tables Match): With Cody Rhodes back, it's time to get on with the Hell No vs. Rhodes Scholars feud that was interrupted by Dashing Cody's injury. Projection? Rhodes and Sandow get Sin Cara through a table, and we have new number one contenders for the tag team titles.

Ryback, Kane & Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield (TLC Match): Who needs the victory more. Is it The Shield, who would go 0-1 with a loss here? Or is it Ryback, in danger of losing on his third pay-per-view in a row? Projection? Ryback plows Reigns through a table and scores the win for his team. There are other ways to help the Shield members keep their heat

Big Show vs. Sheamus (WWE Smackdown Title - Chairs Match): Show and Sheamus had a surprisingly good match last month. In fact, it was so good that I have no idea how they'll top it. Projection? Sheamus gets one more chairshot in than Show does, covers Big Show, and captures the World Heavyweight Title. Ziggler runs in, smashes the briefcase over Sheamus, cashes in and wins the title for himself. Guess what? There's no briefcase on the line in our next match. And it makes perfect sense.

Then Vince McMahon comes out and announces that the main event is now for the Smackdown Title. Which also makes sense.

John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler (Smackdown Title - Ladder Match): Ziggler has to deal with the wrath of a vengeful John Cena, but Ziggler has an angel on his shoulder. Projection? Referee Jack Doane gets knocked out and referee Brad Maddox runs in, along with The Shield, to help Ziggler get the belt down and retain the championship. Ryback runs in and kills everyone else, but Ziggler makes his escape.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view is Royal Rumble 2013. You know, I heard that C.M. Punk might be defending the WWE Title against The Rock on that show. Plus Kane and Daniel Bryan vs. the Rhodes Scholars and the 30 man Rumble match itself.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He'd take New England to beat San Francisco on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.

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