By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Torch columnist Pat McNeill is couchside for tonight's huge WWE Huge In A Cell show:

Scott Stanford and Matt Striker are out here to talk. I can't wait for our preshow match.

What, no preshow match? We're getting a John Cena promo instead? Awww, bologna, fudge and mustard!

John Cena's coming to the ring to be interviewed by Michael Cole. Even though we hear from Cena every Monday, Scott Stanford thinks this is a "unique opportunity."

No, this is not an actual interview. Cena will be answering questions via Twitter and Tout. Boy, it's good there's nothing important happening on tonight's show.

Cole is patching through questions from NancyBoy316 and Dolph Ziggler, and there are little sound effects and...Sweet Tapdancing Mary, they're doing the Wednesday Livecast on the preshow. I want royalties.

Vickie distracts Cena so that Dolph can attack him from behind. It doesn't work.

Blah blah blah lineup.

Josh Mathews interviews Smackdown World Champ Sheamus, who gives us a serious interview. It's a little disappointing. Where's the ridiculously long story about one of Sheamus's Irish ancestors? Where's the Gabe Kotter-esque punchline that accompanies said joke?

The preshow ends five minutes early. Time to hit the fridge.

Time for the credits. Can we get some good simulated violence tonight? I don't ask for much.

Good opening video. Good opening pyro. Nice wide shot of the arena and the cell. I know, not a lot of material for me to work with.

We're kicking things off with Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio. John Layfield sounds loose on commentary, like he had a couple of beers backstage with Ron Simmons. Ross and Cole seem content to let JBL talk.

Cole: "There's a great article on WWE.com." No, there isn't.

Del Rio's working over the arm. We have a storyline for this bout. Cole thinks Del Rio's gotten inside Orton's head recently. I don't think there's room for Del Rio in Orton's head, what with all those voices in there.

On the bright side, Del Rio's remembered to work over the arm. Orton rallies, does the spot where he pounds the mat before the RKO, but forgets his arm is hurt and injures himself. No, really. This happened.

Ricardo rams Orton's arm into the ringpost, enabling Del Rio to lock in the flying armbar. But Orton gets out of it. Then Del Rio goes for the springboard enziguiri...or something, and Orton hits the RKO for the win. Well, so much for that.

JBL just made a Kenesaw Mountain Landis reference. He's had too many. Cut him off. Then Google "Kenesaw Mountain Landis" if you feel like it.

Paul Heyman wants Vickie to cancel the Hell In A Cell match. Vickie refuses, because it's the only match people are excited about.

Time for our tag team title match. Daniel Bryan and Kane take on Cody Rhodes & Damian Sandow. Cole tells us Ron Simmons is backstage. Told you so.

Bryan's out there taking the heat while Cole talks about Daniel Bryan's critics. Does Daniel Bryan have any critics that aren't named Vince? Sandow catches Bryan with the Elbow of Disdain, but follows up with the Lateral Press of Ambivalence.

Oh, here we go. Kane has Cody pinned, but Bryan tries to steal the cover for himself. And then we have Cody moving and Bryan accidentally hitting Kane with the running knee. Normally, this leads to trouble, except that Kane beats the piss out of both Rhodes Scholars, refuses to break and gets disqualified. Well, that was anticlimactic.

There's an actual commercial during our pay-per-view. Yes, I'll complain every time they do this.

Josh Mathews interviews The Miz about his rematch with Kofi Kingston for the Intercontinental Title. According to Miz, Kofi winning the I/C Title is one of the signs of the Apocalypse, right up there with Notre Dame going undefeated or Mitt Romney winning the White House.

John Layfield tells us that Miz is no Johnny Bananas. And I owe JBL an apology for assuming he was referring to the 1920's mobster instead of...whoever he was actually referring to.

Miz works over the injured leg of Kofi Kingston by removing Kofi's boot and kneepad. Then Miz applies the half-crab. All this detailed setup means...Kofi's probably going to win with a Boom Drop or something.

Yes, Kofi got the pin right after I finished typing that.

During the match, John Layfield compared Kofi to Tim Tebow. If this keeps up, Vince will have to send Joey Styles down to ringside to slap some sense into JBL.

John Layfield compared Kofi to Tim Tebow. If this keeps up, Vince will send Joey Styles to slap some sense into JBL.

Backstage, Kane and Daniel Bryan argue and Kane sings "Old McDonald Had A Farm" to Bryan. I'm surprised they didn't save that one for Raw.

It's Antonio Cesaro against Justin Gabriel in a bonus match for the United States Title. Bradshaw's in rare form at ringside. I can't really do him justice here, except to mention his love of the "WWU Universe" and his hatred of Gabriel's haircut. Meanwhile, Cesaro kicks out of...pretty much every offensive move Gabriel has.

Cesaro wins. All we have left are the two main events and the Divas match. And whatever John Cena's doing. After a breast cancer PSA, we get the Ryback video package.

Backstage, Heyman tries reverse psychology on Vickie to get Punk out of the match. She ain't buying it.

JBL puts over Chris Jericho's band, Fozzy, and their new single "Sandpaper." Okay, now I KNOW he's drunk out there.

Apparently the Vickie-A.J.-Cena storyline will continue tomorrow on Raw. Now it's time for another bonus match, with Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara facing the Prime Time Players.

Tune into Smackdown this Friday, when John Layfield compares Booker T to Gary Bettman.

If I'm following the storyline correctly, the veteran Rey Mysterio is teaching this young whippersnapper Sin Cara what it takes to be a tag team wrestler in WWE. And John Layfield is still pissed about the Dallas Cowboys losing their football game this afternoon.

"What's Mysterio going to do here?" Don't you watch this show, Michael Cole? Mysterio hits the 619 and the frog splash for the win. Sin Cara has apparently recovered from hitting his head on a dive outside the ring. Glad to hear that. Rey needs to give this kid some more pointers.

Time for Sheamus to defending the World Title against Big Show. How was this not the opener? (I'm joking.) Dolph Ziggler is watching the match from backstage, briefcase in hand.

Jim Ross calls this match "deliberate," then starts looking for the thesaurus he keeps under his desk. Michael Cole asks JBL how he prepared for a match for Big Show. For the first time tonight, Mr. Layfield doesn't have an answer.

This is actually a fairly good big man match, Don't tell anybody I said that.

Sheamus and Show hit each other with all their big moves, and kick out of everything. Finally, Sheamus goes for his second brogue kick, but charges into Show's second WMD punch. We have a new Smackdown champion.

Even more impressive, 46 seconds later, Big Show is still the Smackdown champion.

Backstage, Teddy Long and Zack Ryder make fun of Eve Torres. Zack is dressed as Eve (a witch) for Halloween. Santino is dressed as Lady Gaga. Cue Ron Simmons. And...scene.

It's Eve Torres vs. Layla vs. Kaitlyn for the Divas title. Eve stalls by going outside the ring. Good idea, kiddo. John Layfield puts over Eve's jiu-jitsu training. For those of you who assume he made that up, it's true. Then JBL follows up by admitting he doesn't know who Kaitlyn is.

The finish comes when Kaitlyn has Layla pinned and Eve catches both of them with a swanton. The swanton doesn't actually break the pin, but let's forget that, because Eve eventually rolls Kaitlyn off and pins Layla for the win.

I agree with John Layfield. These Divas all look alike. Except when they don't.

It's time for our main event. C.M. Punk defends the title against Ryback. So by the time the ring introductions are done, they'll have about, oh, eight minutes for the actual match if they want to finish on time.

Michael Cole reminds us that the Cell was created fifteen years ago. Back then, they used to have good matches in the Cell. And blood.

Michael Cole reminds us that the Cell was created fifteen years ago. Back then, they used to have good matches in the Cell. And blood. Cole goes on to point out that C.M. Punk has never won a Hell In A Cell match. But neither has Ryback. And J.R. notes that Steve Austin never won a Cell match either. You know who else never won Hell In A Cell? Lou Thesz.

Brandon on Twitter points out that Brad Maddox is the referee for this match. Shhhh! Quiet! You'll spoil everything!

The match starts. Punk and Heyman are doing a great job of playing the cowards here. The role of Ultimate Warrior is now being played by Ryback.

Ryback no-sells several kendo stick shots. He gets Punk up for the Shell Shocked and...referee Brad Maddox hits Ryback with a low blow. And then Punk covers Ryback and Maddox makes the fast count. Punk wins and keeps the title.

Now, can referee Jack Doane get the Cell open before Ryback recovers and beats the crap out of Punk and Maddox? Nope. Guess not. Punk feeds Maddox to Ryback, then tries to escape. Ryback follows Punk up to the roof of the Cell and hits Shell Shocked. Fortunately, the roof holds.

That'll do it from Couch Central. Tune in on BlogTalkRadio for the postgame show with James and Greg. VIP members can hear our Roundtable in an hour or so. Then tune in Wednesday for the PWTorch Livecast, where Sean Radican and I will talk to Dragon Gate USA Tag Team Champion A.R. Fox. Good night!

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