By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Haircut" Levesque, Stephanie "Fashion Mom" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Closed captioning is brought to you by Ryder Truck Rentals. Ryder, the best trucks money can rent. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, unless it's not funny enough.

Look, I'm about to get on a plane, so we're going to make this as painless as possible. Our best wishes go out to Jerry "The King" Lawler. Every so often, it's good to cover a story that doesn't end with a wrestler dying before his time. Lawler's untimely heart attack may have taken some of the attention from John Cena's big PPV lead-in promo, but hopefully WWE's already forgiven him for that,

Let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, the World Wrestling Federation taped a month's world of television shows at the Capital Centre in Landover, Maryland. This match aired on the September 28, 1992 edition of Prime Time Wrestling. It was Bret Hart battling The Repo Man. Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes had the call.



Did you get the see the main event of "Friday Night Smackdown?" No? Well, here it is, as Smackdown Heavyweight Champion Sheamus takes on the man he won the title from, Daniel Bryan.



What happened on WWE Raw 15 years ago? I'm so glad you asked! From September 15, 1997 in Muncie, Indiana, we have some killer promos. First, here's Jerry "The King" Lawler interviewing "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.



And then, Jim Ross interviewed WWF Champion Shawn Michaels about the first Hell in A Cell match.



As for the present, Michael Cole and Josh Mathews will probably be announcing this show. On with the projections sent in from the Lee Marshall 140-word Twitter Airport Lounge Phone:

Pre-Show Battle Royal: Zack Ryder wins the battle royal as the Boston crowd files in.

Antonio Cesaro (w/Aksana) vs. Zack Ryder (U.S. Title match): Cesaro beats Zack Ryder. Poor Ryder never gets the girl.

R-Truth & Kofi Kingston vs. Daniel Bryan & Kane (Tag Title match): Dr. Shelby's patients win the Tag Titles, causing irreparable harm to Little Jimmy.

Layla vs. Kaitlyn (Divas Title match): Layla retains the Divas Title while Eve watches and smiles, then flashes her engagement ring in their faces.

The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Sin Cara vs. Cody Rhodes (IC Title match): Miz pins Rey Mysterio to retain the IC Title.

Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler: Ziggler beats Orton. That is, unless WWE repeats Chris Jericho script - Ziggler loses on PPV, Ziggler wins on TV to send Orton to the movies.

Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio (World Title match): Sheamus beats Del Rio with or without the Brogue Kick. Ricardo can start putting out his resume.

C.M. Punk vs. John Cena (WWE Title match): Punk beats Cena after Big Show interferes. Show is also a "Paul Heyman guy."

Aftermath: How about another round of Punk vs. Cena at Hell in a Cell?

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. And, on Sunday night football, he recommends 49ers over Lions.

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!