By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Eric Bischoff, Brother Love, Dave "I Want Wrestling" Lagana or anybody else in Carter Country. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. No TNA employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. A member of our studio audience will receive a Firebird fireplace heating system. Draws in cold air, forces out hot air. The Firebird makes more fireplaces more effective, so you can turn your thermostat down. And remember, if you come within $100 of the actual retail price of your showcase, you win both showcases. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action, unless it's not funny enough.

There's been a lot of talk about Thursday night's episode of Impact, and how silly it was to watch Austin Aries do his Jack Bauer impression while interrogating New York Mikey. That's probably correct, although it's definitely better than watching the weekly Claire Lynch soap opera. But the whole Aces and Eights storyline has an even bigger problem, a problem TNA's braintrust has probably figured out by now.

I'll demonstrate the problem for you now. Open a blank document on your computer, and then write an ending to the Aces and Eights saga that isn't a huge disappointment. Ready? Go.

See what I mean? The ending that makes the most sense, the one with Jeff Jarrett and/or Eric Bischoff putting together a gang to take over Total Nonstop Action, isn't going to live up to the hype. Having the Aces turn out to be Luke Gallows, Chris Masters and some other former WWE guys? Not big enough. The leader unmasking as Bobby Roode? Not big enough, plus it raises the question of why Roode let the group beat him up back when this storyline began. With Claire Lynch is gone, this is TNA's main storyline, and they may have written themselves into a corner.

We'll get back to that later. Let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, on September 2nd, 1992, World Championship Wrestling used its 20th Clash of the Champions show to celebrate twenty years of professional wrestling on TBS. The show took place at Center Stage Theater in Atlanta, Georgia, where WCW taped its Saturday night show. First, we had the red carpet ceremony. Then, we had a big tag team bout as Arn Anderson & Bobby Eaton took on Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and "Dirty" Dick Slater. For the call of the action, let's go to Jim Ross & Jesse "The Body" Ventura.




Here's the main event of last week's episode of TNA Xplosion, and it's a doozy. TNA World Tag Team Champion of the World Christopher Daniels takes on...Garrett Bischoff! Who will survive? Jeremy Borash and "Irish" Pat Kenney are on commentary.



Five years ago, at TNA's No Surrender 2007, we saw the battle between Samoa Joe and Christian Cage.



On with the projections!

Brooke Tessmacher vs. Tara Varon (TNA Knockouts Title): The storyline is that Brooke's veteran tag team partner and mentor might be better than her. That's not bad. Projection? Brooke's in trouble, and Tara scores a very near fall, but the champ manages to pull one out with the Tess-Shocker. After the match, Tara gets into an argument with referee Taryn Terrell over which one of them will have to change her stage name.

Zema Ion vs. Sonjay Dutt (TNA X Division Title): Just saw this match last weekend at the house show in Richmond. It was okay, and could have used more time. I don't see them getting more time on Sunday night. Projection? Hairspray. Gory Bomb. Zema wins another one.

Rob Van Dam vs. Magnus: So, TNA is using Rob Van Dam in order to get across the feud between Magnus and Samoa Joe? I approve. Projection? Van Dam gets in some offense, starts showboating, and gets laid out with the Tormentum as Magnus walks off with another victory. Nothing to see here.

Jeff Hardy vs. Samoa Joe (Bound For Glory Series - Semifinal): Hey, haven't we seen this match somewhere before? Yes, we have. It happened Thursday night on Impact. The difference is that Magnus hadn't injured Joe's arm yet. Projection? Joe can't lock in his chokehold with a bad wing, so Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for the victory.

James Storm vs. Bully Ray (Bound For Glory Series - Semifinal): We've seen this match before, but it's been good enough that we won't mind seeing it again. Projection? Another epic length battle that ends with Storm hitting the Last Call for the victory.

Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian vs. Kurt Angle & A.J. Styles (TNA World Tag Team Titles): The latest word here is that Kurt Angle aggravated an injury Thursday night in Dalton, Georgia, but he plans to work through it. I know, you're shocked. Projection? A.J. takes the heat for the bulk of the match. Angle tags in at the end and gets walloped with a tag belt by Kazarian and pinned by Daniels. The Daniels/Kazarian act might be the best thing this promotion has going right now, so don't mess with it.

Austin Aries vs. Mystery Masked Man: We've all seen the Mystery Masked Armbreaker, who looks suspiciously like former WWE superstar Luke Gallows. Of course, TNA could pull a switch and have someone else be Austin Aries' opponent. But why would you bother? TNA has reportedly planned the big Aces & Eights reveal for Bound For Glory. No point messing with that. Projection? Aries survives, hits the brainbuster, walks away victorious.

James Storm vs. Jeff Hardy (Bound For Glory Series Final): This should be a big deal, the two most popular babyfaces on the TNA roster facing off for a title shot. Somehow, I don't think this match will receive as much attention as it should. Projection? A shorter, more high-impact match than either semifinal. Hardy goes up to the top rope, but Cowboy James was playing possum and hits the Eye of the Storm to win the Bound For Glory.

Then, about twenty guys from Aces & Eights crash the ring and beat up Storm, Hardy, Austin Aries (who should be at ringside for this), Jeremy Borash, the entire Hebner family, security, the camera people and any undercard workers who try to make the save. That's the show.

And yeah, I think Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff should be the puppet masters behind the group. Moreover, I think Aces & Eights needs to have a few guys in it that people assume were fired, like Devon, Matt Morgan and maybe even Matt Hardy. Plus a couple of wrestlers like Gunner and Ken Anderson who aren't doing anything meaningful at the moment. And Robert Roode.

Aftermath: Next month is Bound For Glory. Let's go with Austin Aries defending the TNA Title against James Storm, Samoa Joe against Magnus, and Hall of Famer Sting leading a TNA team into battle against Aces & Eights.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's taking the Steelers to beat Denver tomorrow on Sunday Night Football. Contact him at patmcneill@live.com

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