By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

We are LIVE from couchside for the battle of two superstars who have yet to win a match in 2012, Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar!

We kick off the YouTube special with Santino Marella defending the US Title against Antoino Cesaro. Cesaro is accompanied by his valet, Natasha Fatale.

Scott Stanford and Matt Striker have the call of the preshow, including the difficult task of touting the technical prowess of Santino Marella.

Yes, Cesaro damaged Santino's Cobra sock. Yes, he had a second sock hidden in his...tights. Kill me now. Here's the good news. Santino and Cobra were distracted by Aksana, and Claudio hits the Gotch Neutralizer to win the United States title.

According to Scott Stanford, the crowd is stunned in disbelief by the title change. According to everyone else, they were cheering for Cesaro.

Backstage, Triple H leans on referee Scott Armstrong, asking him to let him and Brock Lesnar fight during the main event. Come on. Be a star, Hunter.

Previously on the preshow, Big Show convinced no one that he is the favorite to win the WWE title tonight.

We hear from the various celebrities regarding SummerSlam. I know who Mike Tyson, Kevin Rudolf and Maria Menounous are. But the others? I thought "celebrities" were supposed to be people you've heard of before.

I apologize to my cable company, but I'm not kicking in an extra $10 to see Paul Heyman in high-definition.

The pre-show is over and the 24th anniversary of WWE SummerSlam can begin in earnest.

Our narrator tells us that Brock Lesnar threatened everything Triple H holds dear in life. He threatened to firebomb GNC?

You are looking LIVE at Booker T not announcing SummerSlam! After that good news, our show kicks off with Vickie Guerrero.

Yes, our opening match is Dolph Ziggler against the Ayatollah of Lite Brite payola, Chris Jericho. Please, Mister Ziggler, tell us more about how a six-time World Champion can't win the "big one."

Michael Cole reminds us that SummerSlam is trending on Twitter. Yeah? So is Todd Akin, but I don't see him bragging about it.

The story of this match is Ziggler working over Jericho's injured ribs. Well, that and those tights Dolph is wearing.

Jericho escapes Vickie's distraction, locks in the Walls of Jericho and gets the victory. Jerry Lawler caps off this moment with a reference to Redd Foxx's character on "Sanford & Son."

We get a commercial for Slim Jim meat snacks. No, really. During the pay-per-view.

Matt Striker tries to interview Brock Lesnar, but instead gets Paul Heyman. Heyman goes on a rant about what terrible bookers the McMahons are. Oh, wait, that was supposed to be off the record...

Your next match is Kane versus Daniel Bryan. Michael Cole tries to run down the history between these two wrestlers. Good luck with that.

Remember, you can follow tonight's SummerSlam action on Twitter by using the hashtag #PleaseRemindPiersMorganToTweetAboutThisShow

Daniel Bryan not only survives Kane, but he counters the Tombstone and beats Kane with a rollup. This was unexpected.

There's more to come tonight. But first, let's watch Kane break Josh Mathews in half for trying to conduct a postmatch interview. Also, don't drive drunk.

Mike Mizanin defends the WWE Intercontinental Title against Batman, I mean Rey Mysterio. Someone in the crowd has a "We Miss The Bellas" sign. Oh, wait. That's Charlie Sheen.

A decent match, except that nobody in attendance takes The Miz seriously. Miz wins with the Skull Crushing Finale and...no one takes The Miz seriously.

WWE Champion C.M. Punk gets an audience with Raw general manager A.J. Lee. Punk gets nowhere and figures out this was a bad idea.

"That's Alberto Del Rio's personal Ferrari!" As opposed to, say, the Ferrari that's shared by the whole retirement community.

It's the Smackdown title match. Alberto Del Rio comes to the ring in a 2003 Chrysler PT Cruiser. Just kidding, it's another Ferrari.

Michael Cole thanks the over 17,000 fans in attendance, and urges them to learn how to Tout. Please.

Del Rio works Sheamus's knee, in an effort to drag this bad boy out as long as possible. Then Del Rio remembers he's supposed to working the arm, since they've set that up for the past two weeks, and the cross armbreaker is his finisher.

So, of course, Del Rio locks in his finisher, and Sheamus powers out of the move. Sheamus then hits Del Rio with Ricardo's shoe for the win. Who throws a shoe?

Piers Morgan and Mike Tyson are allegedly engaged in a Twitter war. Is it better than that Sheamus vs. Del Rio match? Cole also tells us that Shawn Michaels is tweeting right now, presumably about how much he's enjoying "Extreme Makeover" on ABC.

Up next, your tag team title match. The Prime Time Players are wearing fluorescent trunks. Those will come in handy if they plan to ride their bicycles back to the hotel in the dark.

R-Truth pins Darren Young with the Lie Detector. I'm not trying to kill anyone's buzz, but we're down to our last two advertised matches.

Joe Buck is a big fan of WWE's Be A Star program, and wants WWE to have a word or two with that Artie Lange fellow.

Peanut Kitty has joined me at couchside. Apparently he's just slept through a rerun of Downton Abbey and could use a change of pace.

Jerry Lawler thinks you have to respect John Cena. (No, you don't.) Cole tells us that Big Show is considered the favorite here. (No, he isn't.) Punk gets the best crowd reaction of the three.

C.M. Punk is wearing magenta trunks. Does that mean he's bought the contracts of the Prime Time Players? Tune in to Raw and find out!

Michael Cole actually mentions that C.M. Punk hasn't main evented a pay-per-view in 2012. That's an observation that makes WWE look silly. By the way, that's twice in this match Show has almost accidentally killed Cena.

Oh, no. Punk locks the Anaconda on Show, and Cena piles on by locking in the STF on Show. Show taps, but the referee doesn't know who's the rightful winner. Um, it should be the first person to apply the submission hold, which is C.M. Punk.

Oh, good. A.J. Lee is out to solve this problem. She orders the match restarted. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Show and Punk steals the pin to keep the title.

Gee, if only someone had been able to predict all these finishes...

Kevin Rudolf is out to perform. Move over, Peanut Kitty. Daddy wants to nap too. There are lots of celebrities in the crowd, including WWE Hall of Famer Jimmy Valiant! No, wait, that's former Smoky Mountain Wrestling owner Rick Rubin.

WWE Studios purchased the movie "The Day" after it was finished, and had no creative input in the film. WWE Studios should do more of these in the future.

Update on the Mike Tyson - Piers Morgan Twitter war. It ended badly. Tyson ate Morgan's children.

Time for our main event. You know, if Brock Lesnar's not putting Triple H over, he's doing a hell of an acting job with that boo-boo face.

Hunter takes the early advantage and yells that this is WWE, not UFC. Thanks for smartening us up, Game.

Lesnar works the arm. Then he works the arm some more. After that, Lesnar works the arm. And a...German suplex? Okay, that was interesting.

Hunter rams Brock's midsection into the announce table. Lesnar's either selling a burst appendix or some bad Thai food. This is why Triple H is called the "Cerebral Assassin." That and the fact that Triple H makes the announcers call him the Cerebral Assassin.

The two men kick out of each other's finishers, and Lesnar locks in the kimura. Hunter fights and fights and finally has to tap out. That was definitely the right finish.

The Los Angeles crowd is so emotional over the fighting spirit displayed by Triple H that they start chanting "You tapped out!"
Is this the end of Triple H? Probably not. But it is the end of SummerSlam.

Thanks for being a part of our SummerSlam coverage. Now go over to Blog Talk Radio and join James and Greg for the post-game show. By the time you're done with that, VIP members should be ready for the Roundtable. Then, join me Wednesday at 5:30 PM EDT, when Perry Saturn makes his first apperance on the PWTorch Livecast! Good night, you people.

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