By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of "Arm Brace" Paul Levesque, Stephanie "Home Team" Levesque and WWE President "Cranky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a Good Humor Variety Pack. 30 classic tastes, one pack lets you enjoy Good Humor ice cream every day of the month, from Unilever Ice Cream. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, unless it's not funny enough.

Rey Mysterio is back. Randy Orton is back. Wade Barrett will be back soon. For the first time in a while, WWE has some depth on top of the card. That's the good news. The bad news is, WWE Sunday Morning Slam begins next week, and WWE Main Event launches on October 3. If nothing else changes, WWE is going to have eight-and-a-half hours of first-run television every week. That's about the level WCW was at in 1998, and that's not good.

More on that in a moment. Let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, the World Wrestling Federation presented "SummerSlam 1992" from Wembley Stadium in London, England. No, really. This happened. Let's look at one of the dark matches from this epic show. It's "El Matador" Tito Santana vs. "Future Godfather" Papa Shango. Vince McMahon and Bobby Heenan had the call.



Did you get the see the main event of "Friday Night Smackdown?" No? Well, here it is, as Chris Jericho tangles with Alberto Del Rio.




What was the main event of WWE Raw fifteen years ago? I'm so glad you asked! From August 18, 1997 in Atlantic City, it's a tag team attraction, as The Undertaker and Mankind team up for the first time to face Shawn Michaels & Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler have the call.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Josh Mathews will probably be announcing this show. On with the projections!

Santino Marella vs. Antonio Cesaro (WWE United States Title): This is tonight's YouTube special pre-show match. Normally, we'd just take the champion to retain and move on. But a title change here is long overdue. Projection? Cesaro with the Neutralizer to win the title. And yes, if Cesaro goes ahead with his threat to rename the belt the WWE European Title, it will be that much more awesome.

Mike Mizanin vs. Rey Mysterio (WWE Intercontinental Title): Miz has just returned from a combination of undercard hell and unwatched WWE Studios film hell. Rey Mysterio is back, as a popular as ever, and WWE is still pissed at him for all the difficulties he's caused them. Projection? Miz wins with an old-fashioned Lucha Libre style low blow.

Kane vs. Daniel Bryan: Despite earlier teases, Charlie Sheen will not be in the house for SummerSlam. Is there anyone else from this "Anger Management" sitcom WWE can use here? Is Brett Butler free tonight? Projection? Kane escapes the No Lock, hits the chokeslam, scores the pin and sends the crowd home unhappy.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth vs. The Prime Time Players (WWE Tag Team Titles): Last week, WWE fired Abraham Washington, and no one missed Abraham Washington. However, it sure looks like Young & O'Neil need a mouthpiece of some sort. Projection? R-Truth hits the Lie Detector on Young, and the champs survive for another night. Young & O'Neil bring in Armando Estrada as their new manager.

Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler: Chris Jericho's the man who can't win the big one, and he's lost a bunch of matches to Ziggler over the past several weeks. Plus, Jericho's going back on tour with Fozzy later this week. But on the other hand, this is WWE, and WWE needs to fool the fans. Projection? Okay. Jericho surprises Ziggler with a Codebreaker and wins the match at SummerSlam. Ziggler wins the rematch tomorrow night on Raw is Fresno and sends Jericho packing.

Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio (WWE Opening Match World Title): Raise your hand if you care about this match. Yes, I used this same setup last month, but it still applies here. Projection? Sheamus beats Alberto with the Brogue Kick when Ricardo's interference backfires. Dolph Ziggler's going to beat Sheamus for the title, sure, but we have to fill three hours of Raw and two hours of Smackdown EVERY WEEK during American football season.

C.M. Punk vs. John Cena vs. Big Show (WWE Heavyweight Title): Sure, WWE could have done Punk vs. Cena here, but that was the main event of last year's SummerSlam. Plus, if it's Punk versus Cena, Big Show can't do the job. Projection? Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Show, Punk steals the victory from Cena. Don't get too upset, fans. No matter who wins, we're getting at least two more months of Punk versus Cena.

Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar: Triple H is 0-1 during the year 2012. Brock Lesnar is also 0-1 during the year 2012. Obviously, this needed to be the main event. Last week, Brock Lesnar beat up Shawn Michaels, eventually. Projection? Look, Lesnar needs to win here. Why? Because if Lesnar's 0-2, nobody's going to care about Brock's third match. Maybe WWE wants that to happen, in which case WWE is run by morons. Triple H puts up a fight, but Heyman causes a distraction and, boom, F-5 for the victory. Michaels comes out with a sling, and hits a superkick on Heyman to get his heat back. And then, if WWE wants it, we set the table for Lesnar vs. Orton at Survivor Series.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view is "Night of Champions," which takes place in five weeks. Figure on Punk versus Cena, Sheamus versus the returning Wade Barrett, and Dolph Ziggler versus Randy Orton.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. His vacation was all he ever wanted.

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!

CLICK HERE FOR EVEN MORE PW.NET HEADLINES

CLICK TO EMAIL THIS ARTICLE
CLICK HERE TO RETURN TO MAIN LISTING