By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

We are LIVE from couchside, where I'm still trying to figure out why Jim Johnston decided to torture us with this damn Money In The Bank theme song. Seriously, hasn't Nickelback put out another single or something?

Money money money money money, oh thank God, we are live on YouTube from Phoenix, where the weather is probably cooler than it is on the East Coast. I'm even happy to see Scott Stanford and Matt Striker.

Striker and Stanford are filling time, because Vince McMahon and company are finalizing tonight's undercard with the help of the Magic Creative Dartboard. By the way, the WWE title match is now no-disqualification.

Backstage, Zack Ryder wishes Santino Marella good luck. Damien Sandow interrupts this scintillating conversation to call Zack and Santino "mental mediocracies." Dude, what's your point?

It's R-Truth & Kofi Kingston defending the WWE Tag Team Titles against Hunico & Camacho. I'm not saying Camacho lacks confidence, but he's still wearing the clothes from his day job as a house painter.

Kofi and Truth win clean. A decent match with a good performance from Kingston. Move along, nothing to see here.

Backstage, Josh Mathews interviews Chris Jericho. For once, Jericho isn't the guy with the goofiest haircut in the room. Jericho cuts a babyface promo. Hmmm.

Money money money money shoot me now.

Now Josh gets to talk to Daniel Bryan, who is sure A.J. will marry him. What about that slap in the face on Raw? "Josh, you don't know anything about women." Line of the preshow.

It's the Punk vs. Bryan video package. It looks like the WWE title match will be tonight's main event. What a concept! Switching over to pay-per-view now.

Of course, you can follow along with tonight's conversation on Twitter by using the hashtag #NoIThoughtBreakingBadStartedNextWeek

Our live correspondent, Benjamin Tucker, informs us that there are 21 ladders at ringside. This is the sort of in-depth coverage you're counting on. We kick things off with a Money In The Bank ladder match for a shot at the coveted WWE Opening Match Title!

The volume must be too loud on my television. The neighborhood dogs started howling when Vickie Guerrero introduced Dolph Ziggler.

Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Booker T are your announcers, meaning whoever closed captions tonight's show is a better man than I am. Seriously, I'm thinking of hitting the SAP button on my remote.

Okay, it's Cory Rhodes vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Christian vs. Tyson Kidd vs. who the hell cares. Don't dive on the ladder, don't dive on the ladder...Aw, crap.

For a while, it looked like Sin Cara was hurt, but that was a false alarm. Santino clears the ring and tries to climb the ladder, but he's afraid of heights. Sigh.

Michael Cole thinks there's something different in Cody Rhodes' eyes tonight. Maybe he finally got that restraining order against PWTorch specialist Charles Cress.

For the second straight year, Sin Cara gets powerbombed onto a ladder, this time by Tensai. We have a new July tradition. Tensai goes on to kill Dolph Ziggler.

This is unfortunate, because when Christian gets to the top of the ladder, he has to stall enough so Ziggler has time to catch up to him. Fortunately, Ziggler recovers, hits the Zig Zag and Dolph grabs the briefcase. A fine choice. And a fun match.

"No Holds Barred" is out on DVD. As a film, it makes for a pretty cool coaster.

Josh Mathews informs Sheamus that Dolph Ziggler has the Money In the Bank. Sheamus manages not to laugh himself silly. He's too busy trying to remember the stupid promo he has to memorize.

The Miz is out. He says that when he filmed his movie, he was finally treated with the respect he deserves. At least, until people found out the film was financed by WWE Studios. Oh, and Miz has inserted himself into the other Money In The Bank match. That part's pretty cool, right?

Mick Foley's favorite Raw moment is from 1999. You know, back when Michael Cole was a decent announcer.

Next up, Sheamus defends the Smackdown title against Alberto Del Rio. Cole tells us that Del Rio's new trunks are in honor of Los Conquistadors. Okay, Cole, that was funny. Now I almost feel bad about that last joke.

Cole and Lawler talk about Alberto Del Rio's family legacy in professional wrestling. Turns out, Del Rio's uncle was overrated too.

Booker: "You can't sleep on Del Rio." Maybe not, but this crowd's sure giving it the old college try.

The crowd perks up for the finish, where Del Rio hits the running soccer kick and local hero Randy Orton runs in to kick the crap out of Del Rio for gimmick infringement. Okay, I'm kidding. Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick. Perfectly acceptable match.

Uh, oh. Del Rio and Rodriguez beat the piss out of Sheamus after the match.

Uh, oh. Here comes Dolph Ziggler to cash in his Money In The Bank briefcase.

Ziggler tries to clear Del Rio and Ricardo out of the ring so he can cash in his briefcase. But by the time he hands the briefcase to the ref, Sheamus has recovered and hit the Brogue kick. Well, that's too bad.

Uh, oh. Michael Cole is explaining that since the referee never called for the bell, Ziggler never cashed in the briefcase. Really? Eh. At least someone told Cole what to say.

Yeah, this $55 pay-per-view is pretty neat, but let's have an ad for the three-hour episode of Raw that's on cable in eight days.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth are at ringside to do commentary for Los Colons vs. Prime Time Players. Now we know why WWE didn't announce the undercard for this show.

Abraham Washington also has a microphone. So for this tag team bout, we have commentary from Cole, Lawler, Booker, A.W., Kofi, R-Truth, Lil' Jimmy & Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Primo rolls up Darren Young for the upset victory. An angry Abraham Washington comes over to challenge the tag team champs and has water thrown on him by R-Truth. The PTP's hold Washington back, and R-Truth holds Lil' Jimmy back.

Matt Striker interviews special referee A.J. A.J. tells us that Daniel Bryan was her first love. If I were Hornswoggle, I'd be upset by that comment.

Yes, the WWE title match is next. Halfway into the show.

"I can read women." Okay, Jerry Lawler should stop talking now. He's not going to say anything funnier than that.

We have some serious pro grappling going on when A.J. gets "accidentally" bumped off the apron and taken to the back at the five minute mark.

This is actually a very good match. You can tell, because the fans, er, the WWE Universe is chanting "We Want Tables."

While we wait for A.J. to return, Punk and Bryan are giving us every crowd-pleasing spot from every major match in Ring of Honor history. I approve this message.

In the middle of this, A.J. returns to the ring. She drops a chair in the center of the ring. Bryan gets there first and uses the chair. Then Daniel stomps a yes-hole in C.M. Punk.

Here's the problem. The C.M. Punk from a year ago wouldn't have stood for that. 2011 Punk would have already knocked A.J. out with a boot to the head by now.

Punk finally hits Bryan with a belly-to-back superplex through a table. And A.J. makes the count. And Punk is still your champion. I had a horrible feeling that A.J. was going to end up pinning both of them and awarding herself the title, so this is a step in the right direction.

In case you missed the subtext, that match was freaking great.

And be sure to download Tout and make lots of 15 second fan videos. Because there's not nearly enough meaningless s--- on WWE television already.

Cole points out that this is Ryback's longest match to date. Yeah, we've cracked the 45 second mark. Ryback destroys them and pins Tyler Reks. Which leads us to tonight's...

Did You Know? When Ryback says "Feed me more," he's actually requesting handfuls of Hulk Hogan Chewable Vitamins.

Chris Jericho's favorite Raw moment is D-Generation X's appearance on "The Little People's Court." (Just kidding. It was his debut.)

We have our contractually obligated Divas match. It's Layla/Kaitlyn/Tamina vs. Beth Phoenix/Eve/Natalya. Layla pins Beth for the umpteenth month in a row.

I don't want to start rumors, but that was definitely Kelly Kelly in the SummerSlam commercial.

It's time for tonight's main event. John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Miz vs. Kane vs. Big Show. Are there any other former champs we can drop in here? Rey Mysterio? Randy Orton? Bruno?

Cena puts Big Show through the Spanish announce table, and the other wrestlers pile ladders on top of him. That's what we call an engineering solution.

Some semi-dangerous spots happen. From the sound of it, most of the crowd is behind Chris Jericho. But Show emerges from the pile, rips a ladder in half, and cleans house.

Then Show goes under the ring for the mega ladder. One of these years, someone's driving a cherry picker to the ring. Mark my words.

Cena and Show end up fighting atop Ladder Mountain. Cena starts swinging the briefcase into Show's head. No problem. Then Cena goes for a two-handed swing and "accidentally" pulls the briefcase off the hook. John Cena is Mister Money In The Bank. I don't know that this match was as good as the title match (or even the opening match) but it was all action, and that's what the situation called for.

That was a really fun show. Join James and Greg for the post-show Livecast on BlogTalkRadio, and we'll have the Roundtable up for Torch VIP members in an hour or two. Then join me and The 300 tomorrow on Twitter for your regularly scheduled Raw tweet-fest. Good night, everybody!

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