By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of "Arm Brace" Paul Levesque, Stephanie "Home Team" Levesque and WWE President "Cr(r)anky" Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive Moisture Drops. Bring the sparkle back to your dry, irritated eyes. Quench them with the relief your eyes are thirsting for, with Bausch & Lomb's Moisture Drops. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, at which point most of WWE's problems would be solved. At that point, the company can return to its core business of producing poor movies and running social media websites into the ground.

Tonight's show is focused around whether Ms. A.J. Lee will choose to date WWE Champion C.M. Punk or former Smackdown Champion Daniel Bryan. There may also be wrestling matches on the program, but that's not entirely clear. Later on in this preview, we'll be playing everyone's favorite WWE pay-per-view parlor game, "Guess The Undercard."

More on that in a moment. Let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, in the days before Raw and Smackdown, the World Wrestling Federation would tape all of its television shows for a month in a two-day stretch. They would also run test matches and film other contests from home video release. On July 21st, 1992 in Portland, Maine, Bret Hart defended the WWF Intercontinental Title against Shawn Michaels in a ladder match. This was the first ladder in WWF history, as far as I know. Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes had the call.



Did you get the see the main event of "Friday Night Smackdown?" No? That's a shame, because it was pretty good. Here's Sheamus battling Chris Jericho in a non-title match. Now you can fill Smackdown into your Nielsen diary without feeling guilty. It's a win-win.




What was the main event of WWE Raw fifteen years ago? I'm so glad you asked! From July 14, 1997 in San Antonio, Texas, it's a handicap match, as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin tries to defend the WWF Tag Team Titles against the Hart Foundation tandem of Davey Boy Smith & Owen Hart. Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler have the call.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Booker T. Huffman will probably be announcing this show. On with the projections!

I'm guessing WWE will have another two matches on the show. Based on my proprietary process on scientific guesswork, I'll go with Ryback pummeling Drew McIntyre in a singles match, and Layla El successfully defending the WWE Divas Title against Natalya Neidhart.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth vs. Hunico & Camacho (WWE Tag Team Titles): This is tonight's YouTube special pre-show match. Based on the last few months of YouTube shows, you can expect the tag title match to last, oh, about four minutes. Projection? R-Truth hits Lie Detector on Camacho, and the champions roll on to their eventual showdown against the Prime Time Players.

Christian vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Santono Marella vs. Sin Cara vs. Tensai vs. Tyson Kidd (Money In The Bank Ladder Match): Which one of these eight most deserves the WWE Smackdown title? That'd be Dolph Ziggler. But Ziggler has lost his last 304 title matches against Sheamus, so that seems unlikely. Projection? Okay. Remember how many times Edge fell short of winning a World Title, and how great it was when Edge finally cashed it in and beat John Cena? Right. That's what we're doing here. Dolph wins the briefcase and sits tight for at least three months.

Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio (WWE Opening Match World Title): Raise your hand if you care about this match. Right. I'm sorry, but immediate family members of Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez don't count here. Projection? Sheamus beats Alberto with the Brogue Kick when Ricardo's interference backfires.

C.M. Punk vs. Daniel Bryan (WWE Heavyweight Title - A.J. Is Your Guest Referee): You didn't think WWE to screw this one up, did you? Too much of A.J. kicking ass and making Punk and Bryan look like pimply teenage boys is not a good thing. Projection? A.J. gets bumped. Punk tries to help. Daniel knocks out A.J. with the title belt and Charles Robinson runs in to make the actual three count. That's about all I can stand of this feud. The loose ends involving A.J. can be tied up tomorrow night. It's not WWE has anything better to do with its flagship program.

John Cena vs. Big Show vs. Chris Jericho vs. Kane (Money In The Bank Ladder Match): There are four wrestlers in this match. Two of them can actually climb the ladder. The other two might be better off grabbing the ladder and swinging it at the briefcase like a baseball bat at a piñata. Also, that might make the match more interesting. Projection? Oh, for Pete's sake. It's a John Cena match. Cena's going to win.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view is "SummerSlam," which takes place in five weeks. Your main event is Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. It just is. Your secondary main event is Daniel Bryan defending the WWE Title against John Cena. Nope, not kidding. Punk can fight Big Show, or wait for Randy Orton to come back, or maybe take that summer vacation he didn't get last year. Sheamus can fight Cody Rhodes or something.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He'd like to remind you it's not about where you've been, it's about where you're at.

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