MCNEILL'S TAKE Bow Down To The King (Mo): McNEILL previews TNA Sacrifice 2012!
May 13, 2012 - 5:58:27 PM
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By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist
Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Eric Bischoff, Brother Love, Dave "I Want Wrestling" Lagana or anybody else in Carter Country. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. No TNA employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive a selection of Mohawk Carpeting. A hundred years of carpet craftsmanship. The Mohawk gallery of shimmering, soft and sensuous carpets is now at your color dealer. Any rebroadcast or other use of this column without the express written consent of Pro Wrestling Torch, Wade Keller or the National Football League is strictly prohibited. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action, unless it interferes with a punchline.
The big news this week is TNA's signing of King Mo. No, not a member of the 1990's WWE "Men On a Mission" tag team. "King" Mo Lawal is an MMA Fighter who tested positive for steroids four months ago. He is set to debut with Bellator in January 2013. Since he has some free time until then, he will part of the Total Nonstop Action roster. This sets up a big Hulk Hogan versus King Mo battle at "Bound For Glory" in October, and we're all looking forward to that. (Yes, that's sarcasm.) Meanwhile, Sacrifice Sunday looks like a decent show, and the top five matches look promising on paper.
But first, before we talk about tomorrow's matches, let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, on May 17, 1992, World Championship Wrestling held its "WrestleWar '92" pay-per-view in Jacksonville, Florida. And what better way to kick off the action than to settle the feud over the WCW United States Tag Team Titles? It was "The Taylor Made Man" Terry Taylor & Greg "The Hammer" Valentine defending the straps against Fabulous Freebirds Michael "P.S." Hayes & Jimmy "Jam" Garvin. Gee, that referee looks familiar. For the call of the action, let's go to Jim Ross & Jesse "The Body" Ventura.
Here's the main event of last week's episode of TNA Xplosion. Velvet Sky locks up with Sarita in knockouts action. Jeremy Borash and Taz are on commentary.
Five years ago, at Sacrifice 2007, there was a huge Texas Death match between former tag team partners "Wildcat" Chris Harris and "Cowboy" James Storm.
There might be an eighth match on this show. If there is, let's go with Gunner defeating Shannon Moore.
Gail Kim vs. Brooke Tessmacher (TNA Knockouts Title): The most well-rounded knockout wrestler in TNA takes on Brooke Tessmacher, who, um, is quite attractive. Projection? Somehow, Earl Hebner is the referee for this match and Gail retains her championship with the Eat Defeat.
Brother Devon vs. Robbie E vs. Robby T (TNA Television Title): There's no reason for Brother Devon to hold the TNA Television Title. Then again, there's no reason for him not to hold it. Projection? Rob Terry does the damage to Brother Devon, and Robbie Eckos picks up the scraps to regain the Television Title. Mostly because Brother Devon doesn't need the title.
Austin Aries vs. Bully Ray: Yes, Austin Aries is the X Division champion, but outside of the former members of Fortune, all the X Division wrestlers get to stay home for Mother's Day. Projection? Aries forces Bully Ray to tap out to the Horns of Aries for the submission victory. But only if you want people to take Austin Aries and the X Division seriously.
Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Anderson: The Charismatic Enigma and The Smirking A--hole are at odds, for reasons that I won't be able to remember unless I go back and watch old episodes of Impact again. Projection? Anderson knocks Hardy out with brass nucs to keep this feud moving along through Slammiversary.
A.J. Styles vs. Kurt Angle: Two of the best wrestlers in Total Nonstop Action square off on a major pay-per-view. No, wait, that's not it. Oh, yeah, this is about Kazarian and Daniels having compromising pictures of Styles with TNA owner Dixie Carter. By the way, this is an outstanding use of TNA owner Dixie Carter. Mostly because she's not cutting wrestling promos. Projection? Angle pins Styles with the Olympic Slam after Styles is distracted by Misfortune (Daniels & Kazarian.)
Samoa Joe & Magnus vs. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian (TNA World Tag Team Titles): Joe and Magnus have made the TNA Tag Team Titles more interesting. So we have that going for us, which is nice. Projection? Daniels has Magnus in trouble, and is distracted by A.J. Styles, allowing Joe and Magnus to kill the Fallen Angel with their finisher.
Robert Roode vs. Rob Van Dam (TNA Heavyweight Title - Ladder Match): Rob Van Dam was once one of the best high-flyers in the business. Presumably, he can still climb a ladder. Projection? After about twelve minutes, Roode and Van Dam get into a slugfest near the top rung of the ladder, and Roode wins to keep the TNA title.
Aftermath: Next month is Slammiversary X. Let's go with Hardy vs. Anderson in a Texas Death Match, Styles & Angle teaming against Daniels and Kazarian, Abyss vs. Bully Ray, and Bobby Roode defending the TNA Title against X Division Champion Austin Aries.
*** Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He'd like to wish his grandmother a happy birthday, even though he doubts she's reading this preview. Drop him a line at firstname.lastname@example.org
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