By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

WWE is in my house for WrestleMania 28!

We are LIVE from couchside for WrestleMania 28. Next year, don't get locked out of your local sports bar for WrestleMania. Arrive three hours early.

It could be worse. I could be trying to watch this show on GoFightLive.

Lillian Garcia is here to sing "America the Beautiful." You knew Lillian would make the scene because, hey, free strudel.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are your announcers. There's a Spanish announce team at ringside. Us writer types call this "foreshadowing."

Our opening match is Daniel Bryan defending the Smackdown title against Sheamus. The crowd is overwhelmingly pro-Bryan. So, naturally, Sheamus hits the brogue kick and pins D. Bryan in fifteen seconds. I defecate you not.

History has been made tonight at WrestleMania. And there's still three hours and forty-eight minutes to go. Well, we must have needed the extra twelve minutes for Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny.

WWE is giving away one hundred all-expenses paid trips to WrestleMania 29. Because who wouldn't want to be magically whisked away to New Jersey?

Your next match is Randy Orton versus Kane. Remember, you can follow all the WrestleMania conversation online by using the hashtag #WeareTOOtrendingonTwitter. Some fans start a "Daniel Bryan" chant during the early going. Hey, save that for the ROH shows.

Kane hits the chinlock. Randy Orton was right. I guess this match really is more important than Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan. After all, it's on second.

Somebody at WWE got the memo I sent, because Michael Cole is officially 28% less annoying than usual. Your greasy cuisine for the evening is brought to you by Five Guys Burgers & Fries, which makes up for the fiasco earlier this evening.

Randy Orton kicked out of Kane's chokeslam? The deuce you say! Kane goes for another chokeslam, this time off the second rope. There's the cover, and...Kane pins Randy Orton? Clean? Hmmmm.

Santino Marella has a backstage meet 'n greet with Mick Foley and the guy from "Deadliest Catch." I don't need to recap the rest of the skit, except that it ends with new WWE Hall of Famer Ron Simmons saying "Damn." As it should.

John Cena wants YOU to join the National Guard.

Cody Rhodes versus Big Show is next. Cody has held the Intercontinental Title for over 230 days. Mostly because Vince McMahon has forgotten that the Intercontinental Title exists. Big Show gets a bunch of offense in and then gives Cody the stinkface. Dude, I'm trying to eat dinner here.

Show drops Cody with the WMD punch and pins him to win the WWE Intercontinental Title. Show appears genuinely choked up as he celebrates his win and kisses his wife at ringside. We break from this emotional moment to show you a K-Mart commercial.

Next up, our WWE Divas tell us how wonderful their lives are. Free advice for our beloved Divas. If World Wrestling Entertainment really did just rehire Terry Taylor and Dave Batista, you should each bring a fresh can of mace to the arenas with you.

It's Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounous taking on Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres. Yeah, this isn't going well. Maria and Kelly, in an effort to top the previous match, deliver a double stinkface to Eve. Maria has broken ribs and a stress fracture in her foot, but that plucky gal is determined to continue on "Dancing With The Stars," blah blah blah thank goodness Eve finally tagged Beth in.

The match continues. My cat just went upstairs to watch "Diagnosis Murder" with my wife. Kelly K. Kelly just hit a senton splash onto Beth. I'll assume she was trying for that. Kelly helps push Beth into Eve, and Maria rolls Beth up for the victory. With the win, Maria ends a title shot against Beth at "Extreme Rules" on April 30th...Oh, wait. I forgot I was watching WWE.

WWE has set a brand new fake Sun Life Stadium attendance record of 78,363.

Matt Striker has a special interview with Shawn Michaels. Shawn, how does it feel knowing that you're going to take all the bumps in this Hell in a Cell match?

Ed Ferrara comes down to ringside dressed as Jim Ross. No, wait! Ross has lost a bunch of weight and has some type of goatee. And he's settling in at ringside, which means it's time for Shawn Michaels to skip down the aisle like a ten year old girl. And THAT means it's time for Hell in a Cell.

Michael Cole thinks I should go to WWE.com and check out the footage of the workouts Triple H went through to prepare for WrestleMania. No thanks, Michael. Some things are better left to the imagination.

Now Undertaker makes the long walk down to the ring. I hope he removes his hood and reveals...he's wearing a bad toupee.

Triple H has a look on his face that says "Wow. That was a lot of pyro." Undertaker has a crewcut that, honest to Pete, makes him look like Kane's older brother. And we're lowering the Cell. Back in thirty minutes or so.

This is a non-bloody cell match. Hunter spinebusters Undertaker on the STEEL steps. Undertaker locks in the Hell's Gate on the steps, but Hunter escapes. And he has a chair. And a whole bunch of chairshots to 'Taker's back. Michaels pulls Hunter off. Hunter shoves Michaels. More chairshots.

Hunter finally covers Undertaker. 'Taker kicks out. Back to the chairshots. The Dead Man begs Shawn not to stop the match. Time for Mr. Sledgehammer. Somehow, Hunter has been busted open above the left eyebrow.

Undertaker prevents Shawn from stopping the match by choking Shawn out. Hunter makes the save. But this gives Undertaker time to rally and kick Triple H in the balls.

Oh, just go read Caldwell's recap. That was fantastic. For those of you who complain that WWE doesn't do multi-layered storylines, here you go. The match built on last year's match, both Undertaker vs. Michaels' matches, and even Michaels vs. Flair from four years ago. And I don't know how many more times we'll see either Undertaker or Hunter in a major match.

Shawn and Undertaker carry Hunter to the back. That was very moving. We follow that up with Rey Mysterio talking about the 500,000 Slim Jims WWE has donated to American troops abroad.

We get a recap of last night's Hall of Fame induction. Someone needs to put the unedited Mike Tyson speech up online. I'm begging you. Howard Finkel introduces the Hall of Famers. Michael Cole forgot to make fun of either Jim Ross or The Fink tonight. Wow. And yes, Flair is introduced with the Horsemen. Jim Ross has apparently been called back to the bullpen.

Backstage, Josh Mathews interviews Flo Rida. Heath Slater confronts Mr. Rida. Three guesses as to who has the bigger biceps. I think Flo Rida can take him. Oh, wait. Flo Rida DID take him, laying Slater out. Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks check in to laugh at the prone Slater. Tune in later when Machine Gun Kelly beats up Tyson Kidd.

WWE WrestleMania is sponsored by the new movie "GI Joe: This Time We Have Actors" Up next, Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny. Michael Cole reverts to Obnoxious Mode. Teddy's team has matching blue T-shirts. Johnny's team has matching red T-shirts.

It's a good thing this show is in high-def. Otherwise, I wouldn't have a proper appreciation of the suits Teddy and Johnny are wearing. Oh, no. Eve Torres is at ringside for Zack Ryder. Talk about foreshadowing.

Yep, Big Zack gets the hot tag and takes over on Miz. Eve distracts Zack, allowing Miz to hit the Skull-Crushing Finale. Team Johnny wins and Laurinaitis takes over Smackdown. This changes, well, almost nothing. Eve follows up by kicking Zack right in his woo-woo's.

Breaking News: Eric Young is having his bachelor party on TNA Impact this week. I'll bet it doesn't end as well as my bachelor party.

Alex Rodriguez & Torrie Wilson are at ringside. Those other people around Alex and Torrie don't exactly look for VIP's. Then we get a Fan Axxess video package that could have waited until Raw. Some guy proposed to his girlfriend at Fan Axxess. Okay, that's funny.

John Laurinaitis tells Punk that the disqualification rule is waived for his match. The WWE Title match is now. Chris Jericho makes his way down the aisle, sporting the obscenely expensive Jackettron 5000.

Punk gets a ton of fireworks for his entrance. And it's on. The storyline is Jericho trying to taunt Punk into getting disqualified. Jericho tells Punk that his father's a drunk, his sister's a crack whore, and that Coke defeated Pepsi in a blind taste test. Still, Punk holds his temper.

For about fifteen minutes, we forget about all of this disqualification stuff and have a competitive wrestling match. Then Punk finally locks in the Anaconda Vice and...Jericho taps out! Punk gets put over by a legendary former champ at WrestleMania, to make him look like a bigger star. Good on WWE.

WrestleMania XXIX is coming to New Jersey, home of Times Square, Wall Street and the Statue of Liberty...Wait a minute...

We now pause this recap for a word from...the Funkasaurus, Brodus Clay! Awesome. Brodus instructs everyone to get the cell phones out and call their mamas. Kevin Dunn, to his credit, cuts to the one dipstick in the crowd who actually followed Clay's orders.

Then, Brodus brings out his mama, and his mama's bridge club, who assist Brodus and the Bro-dettes in a dance routine. Nothing wrong with this, although I don't know if it was worth cutting time from the Smackdown title bout.

We get the video package for The Rock vs. John Cena. This match is once in a lifetime. Unless it draws. Then we'll have the rematch next year at WrestleMania 29.

Diddy comes out to introduce Machine Gun Kelly, so the crowd doesn't boo that goofy kid. Maybe we should have skipped a step and had Diddy introduce John Cena.

Time for the ring introductions. Cena's out first. This goes about as well as Boone's shoutout to Otis Day & The Knights in "Animal House." Otis, my man! Did Cena just give his room key to some woman at ringside, or am I imagining things?

And here's Rock's intro. Why is The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo singing with Flo Rida? Rock's making his way to the ring, just as soon as he's done checking out those backup dancers. Easy, big fella!

Currently, in the ring, wearing a T-shirt left over from the 2005 St. Patrick's Day Pub Crawl, John Cena! The bell rings and we get the infamous "stare at each other, stare into the crowd" bit ripped off from ten years ago. Cena's thinking "How did this guy get bigger than me? Is it a P-90X?"

Rock takes charge in the opening minutes. We call this "the shine." Cena gets some moves in, and now we know, beyond a shadow of a damn doubt, that John Cena's not getting cheered tonight in Miami.

Cena starts working over Dwayne's ribs. If Rock's cardio isn't up to snuff, this would be a good way to cover that up. I'm just saying.

Say, is it too late for J.R. to grab a two-by-four and take over the Spanish announce table? Then all I'd have to do is hit the "SAP" button.

Rock kicks out of the Attitude Adjustment. Cena kicks out of the Rock Bottom. Everyone knew this would happen, but it still worked.

Rock locks in the Sharpshooter. Earl Hebner runs in from the back and orders the timekeeper to ring the bell. Okay, I made that last sentence up. Cena makes the ropes.

Rock throws Cena into the ring steps. Bruce Mitchell texts The Rock, telling him that it's 10:45 and time to end the show. Cena gets Rock back into the ring and locks in the STF. The crowd is not pleased. Fortunately, Rock makes the bottom rope.

The Rock hits the People's Elbow and Cena kicks out. They're running out of moves. Cena with a second Attitude Adjustment, and Rock kicks out again. Time for the Cena's Elbow. No! Cena walks right into another Rock Bottom! The cover. And that's it! The Rock beats John Cena clean, in the middle of the ring.

Well, that definitely sent the Miami fans home happy. And when you take into account how much the finish of last year's WrestleMania main event ended up meaning, this probably won't hurt Cena at all. That'll do it from here. Tune in to BlogTalkRadio for the post-show Livecast with James & Greg. You VIP's, you'll have your post-show roundtable as soon as Bruce and I can get Wade Keller off the phone. Good night!

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