By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Tommy "Black T-shirt" Laughlin, Vince Russo, or whichever Idiot of the Week has the helm for this holiday show. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Lee Press-On Nails. They press on in seconds. No glue, no mess. In natural and glamour lengths. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

This columnist still has that lovin' feeling towards TNA this weekend, thanks to their decision to hold "No Surrender" on Sunday night instead of opposite the Redskins-Cowboys game on September 12. Thank you. Sincerely. In return, I promise to actually pay attention to this pay-per-view instead of half-assing my review the way...well, the way your company has...No, dammit. I'm being nice. Which reminds me...

BREAKING NEWS: Our McNeill's take correspondent, Red Sox Mikey has just checked in from the TNA house show at the Shenandoah County Fair in Woodstock, Virginia. He reports that Kurt Angle did not wrestle on the show, (Samoa Joe replaced Kurt in the main event) but Angle promised to wrestle tomorrow night on the pay-per-view. TNA drew about 2,000 fans to the show, and the wrestling card was the highlight of Fair Week. Especially after Uncle Cracker cancelled.

TNA has been running commercials claiming that tomorrow night will be Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle's first meeting on pay-per-view. That's true, by the way. And it's also a lovely segue into this month's Wrestling History Lesson. Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle have wrestled on television before. Namely, they squared off on June 18, 2001, as a quarterfinal match in the WWF's 2001 King of the Ring tournament. Check it out.


Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle WWF Smackdown
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And, as your free gift for viewing this column, how about a look into this week's edition of TNA Xplosion? If you haven't been watching lately, they have a great storyline where Eric Young is suffering from brain damage after sustaining a concussion. Don't ever let it be said that TNA doesn't have cutting-edge storylines. Anyhoo, Jeremy Borash and Taz bring you the action as former TNA Global Champion Eric Young takes on former DGUSA headliner Jeremy Buck. Bon appetit.





On with the projections!

Velvet Sky vs. Madison Rayne (Grudge Match): I think the only way to recover from a feud this awful is...No, wait. These two young ladies are in good shape, and they work hard. In the ring. Projection? Ms. Velvet wins the match cleanly with a DDT.

Abyss vs. Rhino (Hardcore Whatever M...I mean, Falls Count Anywhere): Remember, "they" are coming to destroy Dixie Carter, Hulk Hogan and friends next month. Ah, anticipation. Projection? Rhino misses a gore, lands on his back, and flails like a turtle trying to turn over, while Abyss crushes his head with a Sentry safe for the win. (After all, Rhino's a veteran and knows how to work, and weapons shots are less dangerous than highspots or strikes when used by veteran wrestlers like Blubber J. Dummy who know what they're doing, yes I'll stop now.)

Douglas Williams vs. Sabu (X Division Match): Sabu gets the X division title match instead of Sandman because it's hard to navigate airport parking lots after downing a case of Schaefer and...Oh, well. Projection? Sabu wins in what should be the second biggest feelgood moment of the show.

Jeff Jarrett & Samoa Joe vs. Kevin Nash & Sting: A star-studded tag team match involving four former World Champions (No, really) fighting over, um...something that happened in WCW. Projection? All four wrestlers spend twenty minutes trying to figure out what the storyline is, and the match is declared a time-limit draw.

Tommy Dreamer vs. A.J. Styles (I Quit Match): The bad news is, a number of wrestling writers and fans (and wrestlers) were disgusted with last month's Tommy Dreamer pay-per-view match where Tommy got his young children involved in the match. The good news is, that match will soon be overshadowed by the finish Tommy and Vinnie have put together for this match. No, I'm serious. You'll love this one. Projection? Styles wins in the feelgood moment of the evening.

Motor City Machine Guns vs. Desmond Wolfe & Brutus Magnus (TNA World Tag Team Titles): Yeah, right. Projection? Shelly and Sabin kick Magnus a couple dozen times and the Guns keep the championships.

D'Angelo Dinero vs. Ken Anderson (TNA World Title Tournament Semifinal): Personally, I like both Captain A-Hole and the Black Pope. Professionally speaking? There's more heat at the bottom of the Mariana Trench than there was in the Impact Zone during Thursday night's main event. Projection? Anderson wins with the Mic Check, and turns evil next week on Impact.

Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle (TNA World Title Tournament Semifinal): It's the moment we've all been waiting for, as the two titans of the mat face off in their most high-profile meeting ever. Projection? Angle wins, so that Jeff Hardy will finally have the free time to prove his innocence in his upcoming drug trafficking trial.

Aftermath: Next month is "Bound For Glory" in Daytona Beach, which will feature the long-awaited of "Them". Yes, Dave Prazak and the Shimmer roster will finally invade the Knockout Division, forcing the Beautiful People and the bad girls to band together and fight for their professional lives. Tommy Dreamer takes on Ric Flair, because it's pretty much inevitable at this point. And Kurt Angle takes on Mr. Anderson. Hey, they've had a couple of pretty good matches this year.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He thinks that all you college football fans should check out the replay of the Oregon State vs. TCU game on ESPN3. Drop him a line via mcneill@lawyer.com

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