By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

HOT NEWS!

TNA only released one bullet point from their market research report. PWTorch has obtained the entire report, the contents of which were meant to be kept secret for reasons which will become obvious as you read this report...

TO: TNA President Dixie Carter
FROM: Total Marketing Information Inc. (T.M.I. Inc.)

Ms. Carter,

Please find below the summary report from our market research report you ordered from us. The complete report is attached in PDF format, but the following summarizes the key points.

-Current, former, and potential pro wrestling fans prefer to watch TNA wrestling on Thursday nights rather than Monday nights. (Note: We actually didn't have to do any special research on this topic, so you won't be charged. We simply looked at the Nielsen Media Research ratings for the last ten weeks and saw how terribly you were getting spanked by the competition.)

-Current, former, and potential pro wrestling fans prefer to watch Desmond Wolfe, Matt Morgan, and Mr. Anderson in main events instead of Jeff Jarrett, Abyss, and Team 3D. (Note: We actually didn't have to do any special research on this topic, so you won't be charged. We simply referred to an online poll at your own website, TNAwrestling.com.)

-Current, former, and potential pro wrestling fans prefer to watch realistic portrayals of pro wrestling between high-caliber athletes such as Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe rather than what is commonly referred to as "garbage wrestling" between wrestlers who appear to be old, out of shape, or wearing odd costumes. (Note: We actually didn't have to do any special research on this topic, so you won't be charged. We simply referred to PPV buyrate trends provided by you, including the spike for that Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle MMA-style main event.)

-Current, former, and potential pro wrestling fans prefer to watch younger stars near their physical prime rather than older stars who show signs of physical wear and tear from age and years of hard ring bumps. (Note: We actually didn't have to do any special research on this topic, so you won't be charged. We simply, well, used common sense.)

-Current, former, and potential pro wrestling fans prefer to get behind a promotion that doesn't have an embarrassingly bad name that you really wouldn't want to repeat to anyone in mixed company or with any sense of "cool." (Note: We actually didn't have to do any special research on this topic, so you won't be charged. We are, quite frankly, embarrassed to have been hired by a company named TNA and would prefer if you not share with others that we have been hired by you. It could turn away other potential clients if they think we do business with a soft porn entertainment company.)

-Finally, our research team found that there is one individual in particular who tends to be associated with pro wrestling promotions losing money and turning off fans and creating a lot of negative energy and feedback among the most ardent followers. We're not familiar with where he's working now, but perhaps you are familiar with his name... Vince Russo. We just thought we should tell you that should you run across him, do not hire him. Our computer stats generator firmly indicated he is historically the least successful, most damaging "creative team member" or "booker" in national pro wrestling history. Plus, one member of our staff watched WCW back in 1999 and believes he wrote those shows which led to the demise of another competitor to WWE.

Thank you for letting us be of service to you. As noted above you will not charged for any of this market research because, quite frankly, we'd feel we were stealing from you since all of the above is pretty much common sense. Also, as we noted above, if you pay us, we'd put our reputation at risk for being seen as working with a porn company.

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