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Last Call with Mallory: Girls Gone Wild, Wrestlers' Court, Rock

Mar 8, 2003 - 4:19:00 PM
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By Mallory Mahling, Lounge Dweller

Hi, come on in and join us. Delicious dinner last night, Tony, and that bottle of Allegrini 1999 La Grola was an excellent choice. The garlic wasabi sauce is an acquired taste, though. But then so is some of the music on the Lounge jukebox.

Well, the road to WrestleMania got a little bumpier this week. Injuries have plagued WWE in recent weeks, and the loss of Kurt Angle in the main event was a definite blow. But sometimes adversity can be a powerful motivator. It might even motivate Goldberg to get out his pen and sign on the dotted line. Or not.

Two very motivated people this week were Hulk Hogan and Mister McMahon. Their colorful, shoot-style Smackdown promo was edge-of-the-seat riveting! Nobody does diabolical like Vincent K. McMahon, so fasten your seatbelts. It may be a bumpy ride, but it will darn sure be an interesting one.

WWE's Real MVPs.

With the alarming number of injuries to WWE superstars, it would seem that the most valuable players on the WWE team are Dr. Lloyd Youngblood and Dr. James Andrews. These remarkable physicians have been called upon to put too many superstars back together again lately.

The number of neck injuries alone has increased exponentially as the style of wrestling has become more extreme. There is no doubt that high spots are spectacular to watch, but I hate to see so many talented sports entertainers putting themselves in harm's way day after day. The fans (most of them, anyway), would love them just as much if they scaled things back a bit.

And to Kurt Angle, Edge, Batista, and Randy Orton . . . best wishes for speedy recoveries.

Meanwhile, mild-mannered Gregory Helms was recuperating from a bad break (a concussion and badly sprained ankle) when he found himself on the receiving end of a break of another kind. Disguised as the Hurricane, Helms has been going one-on-one with the Great One in a battle of wits. And from all indications, the fans are loving their escalating feud.

And while we're on the subject of injuries, what is the point of making Nathan Jones look like a slow study who's greener than the greenest Tough Enough trainee? Aren't there already enough wrestlers on the injured list?

Girls Gone Tame.

Bad news for Eric Bischoff, as reported on WAFF-48 News in North Alabama. With his pay-per-view production, "Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break Live and Uncensored," less than a week away (March 13), the Mayor of Panama City Beach, Florida, site of the event, has stepped in and thrown a wet blanket on the show. Mayor Lee Sullivan (who, incidentally, used to be the city's chief of police), has declared that local police will arrest anyone who participates in nudity or disorderly conduct during GGW, and anyone who encourages "taking it all off" will get the same treatment. Considering the nature of the PPV, Uncle Eric would seem to be in a bit of a pickle. Can we expect to see the Raw General Manager and Test doing promos from the Gray Bar Hotel next week?

Mayor Sullivan indicated that the city was concerned that the show would be a detriment to tourism in the seaside community. Umm, not that I'm advocating public nudity, but the theme of this GGW show is spring break. I'm sure this would not be the first time a shapely lass shed her bikini within the city limits of Panama City Beach during spring break. Spoil sport.

Good Golly, Miss Molly.

With no fanfare, Molly Holly hit the ring on Sunday Night Heat with a brand new look. After months of looking dumpier than Ivory ever did as a member of RTC, Molly's new ring attire showed *gasp* cleavage. It was a very attractive strappy black cat suit. And it was flattering to her figure. Poor Molly endured all those "big butt" jokes last year, and the least someone could have done was explain the reason for her more glamorous look. Surely Coach or Lita could have taken just a moment from their inane jabbering to have offered a word or two on the subject. A little back story maybe? Was that really too much to ask?

While Molly was getting a makeover, Stephanie was apparently getting a make-under. What was the deal with her plain look on Smackdown? Maybe it's a side effect of being around that Carrot Top person.

Wrestlers' Court.

It was the Cuban Assassin vs. a Florida wrestling promoter this week on the Judge Mathis Show. It wasn't pretty, and by the end of the show, everybody was "acting a fool," as Judge Mathis is so fond of saying when litigants get out of control.

As the tale unfolded, David Canal (better known as Fidel Sierra, the Cuban Assassin) and his manager-wife, Paula "Fantasy" Kostomlatsky, claimed promoter Joe Pipitone had reneged on a contract for a Venice, Florida, show.

Sierra displayed his Cuban Heavyweight Championship belt, which seemed to impress His Honor. When Pipitone called Sierra a Cuban B.S. artist, Judge Mathis shot back with "know your role" and threatened him with a smackdown from the Brendan the Bailiff.

Long story short, the promoter had arranged with Sierra and his wife to put a card together for the Venice show, then failed to pay them the entire amount promised. Sierra testified that he had to pay some of the wrestlers out of his own pocket. The fact that Sierra had failed to deliver the main event, Horace Hogan, as advertised seemed to be the promoter's only defense (although Hogan's no-show was not Sierra's fault).

"He ruined my show," whined the promoter, who shot himself in the foot when he produced a copy of the advertising flyer. The names headlining the show were Kevin Sullivan, Barry Horowitz, and Horace Hogan, but the only picture on the flyer was that of the Cuban Assassin and Fantasy. Judge Mathis jumped on that fact with both feet and accused Pipitone of disrespecting the Court with a "cockamamie lie" about the whole show hinging on Horace Hogan.

As Judge Mathis sorted out the facts -- a contract signed by the promoter after the show, an allegation of too much gigging affecting Sierra's judgment, and way too much showboating from both -- he concluded that "all y'all are scam artists." However, the fact that Pipitone had signed a contract after the fact effectively threw all previous oral contracts out the window.

"You're a good judge," said an exuberant Sierra after Judge Mathis ruled in his favor. He handed Judge Mathis, ace wrestling fan, the Cuban belt for a photo op.

On the Boob Tube.

When Cris Judd won the title of King of the Jungle this week on "I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here," show host John Lehr's first words to him were, "Is it good to be the King?" Thus, he managed to work the title of Jerry Lawler's book into the finale of the popular ABC reality show. If you didn't follow it, the premise of the series was celebrities roughing it in Australia's Rain Forest. Judd started the show with the tag of J-Lo's ex, but quickly captured the hearts of America's game-show-voting public. It just goes to prove that nice guys do finish first sometimes.

* * *

The Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, famous for his rants (and for driving Phil Donahue back into retirement), has twice postponed his piece on the death of Curt Hennig. Goodness knows what his take will be on the subject, but if O'Reilly plans to make it his cause celebre anytime soon, he'll need to consult Miss Cleo for his research. The autopsy hasn't even been finalized at this point. The results are still pending while toxicology reports are being completed, and that task is expected to take several more weeks. Hard to be fair and objective when you don't know all the facts.

Story Time.

A few weeks ago I suggested that WWE consider a Tough Enough-style training camp for wrestling writers and asked Lounge readers to share storylines they'd like to see on TV. Here is one featuring the enigmatic Jeff Hardy. Enjoy!

Bas Porter sent in this detailed scenario involving the Hardys.

Approximately two months before the next PPV, and Jeff Hardy's behavior has grown increasingly erratic and aggressive. After yet another loss, he snaps completely and has to be dragged out of the building, kicking and screaming. (Finally, no more "conflicted," just good, old fashioned insane.) The next week, it's reported that Jeff's taking a little "vacation" in a mental hospital.

In the following few weeks, there are regular updates (cue footage of Jeff in an art class, attempting to paint himself, only to be stopped by the nurses.), interviews with Jeff's doctor, and other WWE Superstars go to visit him. One such visitor is Matt Hardy, in full heel mode, with Shannon Moore tagging along. Any pretense that Jeff is improving is destroyed during Matt's visit, when at the first mention of "Mattitude," Jeff goes berserk and attacks his brother.(All this, of course, gives Jeff Hardy the time away from the ring that he seems desperately in need of, without dropping him from the roster completely. Besides, I doubt that insanity would be a hard sell for Jeff.)

Three weeks before the PPV, and big news. Jeff has escaped! He's been seen headed toward whatever city Raw is in, and backstage, nerves are high. The show goes off without a hitch but as Eric Bischoff is leaving at the end of the night, Jeff appears. He's painted up again, raving. He beats the Raw GM down (okay, that part's just for me) and demands that Bischoff book a match for him. He wants a cage match at the next PPV, against the WWE Cruiserweight Champion, Matt Hardy. Like the coward he is, Bischoff agrees. Jeff disappears again just as Chief Morley appears, drawn by his boss's squeals for help.

Two weeks before the PPV, and Eric Bischoff is a marked man. He's calling in every favor, desperately trying to set up the match. Despite heightened security, Jeff Hardy manages to get backstage again and corners Bischoff in a deserted hallway. He repeats his demand, then disappears once more.One week before the PPV, and Vince McMahon has arrived to take charge of the situation. He brings with him Jeff's doctor and several burly orderlies. Vince informs Bischoff that he's going to schedule the match, but as a trap. After they get Jeff into the cage, they plan to let Matt out, then the orderlies will go in and take Jeff down. Bischoff is understandably relieved.

Over on Smackdown, Matt Hardy is one unhappy MF'er. When he hears the news from Stephanie, he outright refuses to go through with the plan. Vince calls and whatever he says must be pretty convincing, because afterwards Matt agrees to play along. Stephanie assures him that he will be perfectly safe; that he'll have plenty of backup just backstage. Matt says he's glad that Shannon, at least, will be at ringside, but Shannon balks. (He's whipped, but not stupid.)

"You don't need me, dude," he tells Matt. "You've got Mattitude.

"The night of the PPV, all those involved are assembled backstage, going over the plan. Shannon will be going to ringside after all, in charge of the key to the cage door. Jeff's doctor is thrilled, telling everyone that he thinks this will be "very therapeutic" for Jeff.

At last, Matt makes his way to the ring and waits nervously while the cage comes down. Shannon shows him that the door is unlocked, and the key is around his neck. Seconds tick by then, and nothing happens.Then the lights go out. When they come back, Jeff is standing at the top of the cage. Shannon is trying to get to his feet. Matt runs to the door and finds it now locked. Jeff has the key. With no other choice, Matt faces off against his brother as Shannon runs away. Throughout the match, Matt uses every opportunity to try to escape the cage, but Jeff drags him back in. It's close, but in the end Jeff wins with some typically daring move, like a Swanton off the top of the cage.

Shannon returns with bolt cutters just in time to see the finish. He cuts off the lock and the orderlies, who have assembled outside the cage, rush in and grab Jeff. This time he goes quietly, resisting only long enough to snatch the title belt from the ref's hands. Matt is livid, blames Shannon, and demands his belt back. Stephanie McMahon reminds him that he agreed to the match, so tough luck.

What comes after? I think Jeff gets to keep the title for a little while, and he returns to wrestling, "under supervision." (What fun it would be to have Jeff led to and from the ring in a straight jacket, with the doctor at ringside as his de facto manager.)

Letters, letters, letters.

Lela Shirk had this to say about the Rock's blossoming movie career:

I couldn't agree with you more about what you said on the Rock. It's so freakin' true! These "fans" are so jaded about the Rock leaving that they don't see what a huge opportunity that it is for wrestling. I mean who cares about GGW anyway?

The WWE needs a credible venture into the new world of marketing (and I say the new world because they have yet to have success in anything related to corporate standings) and they can't stay latched on to Girls Gone Wild and "Playboy" forever.

And if they think that the Average Joe in wrestling isn't going to switch to movies, doing something a little less taxing than slamming every night, well then, these fans are pretty whacked out.

My reply: You go, girl! The Rock is a multifaceted talent. His acting ability actually equals his wrestling ability -- something that can't be said about many of the wrestlers who've made the trip to Tinsel Town. May his Hollywood star shine brightly!

* * *

Josh, no hometown given, shared his thoughts on D-Lo's former angle.

What is it with Torch writers and Clarence Mason? I only really read Derek's Smack Down report as dedicatedly as your columns, but both of you seem to have this secret fascination with Clarence Mason. The funny part is, Clarence Mason was part of the Nation of Domination with D-Lo Brown. I think that any sort of racial play isn't wise for the WWE without Faarooq or Ahmed Johnson involved somehow. Plus, they tried that whole angle back in the day, and it didn't go over too well. Faarooq complained that there were no African-American WWE Champions and what did he get for his trouble? Well, he didn't win the belt.

When the whole racial thing came up again with D-Lo, people were just glad to see D-Lo getting a bigger push and just hoping that the writers would carry through with it. But replacing D-Lo with "Red Dogg," almost as if it doesn't matter, just shows their lack of commitment to this whole idea. It's almost racist in itself; the way whoever is writing this is like, "D-Lo, Red Dogg, who cares, a black guy is a black guy." When they tried to pass off the angle to Red Dogg, it lost whatever little interest I had in it.

And on the subject of Booker T, when he beat D-Lo Brown, the whole gimmick lost credibility. It was OK when he was fighting white boys, but when he got beat by a man who is rightfully "blacker" than D-Lo in every way, it's just time to say, "We need some new ideas."

My reply: New ideas? What a concept. Actually, I don't know about Derek's fascination with Clarence Mason, but he was the only "lawyer" I could think of.

* * *

That's it for this week. See you back here in The Lounge next Saturday.

Mallory Mahling also writes a Raw Alternative Perspective Rundown every Monday night/Tuesday morning for PWTorch.com. You can write to her at mmahling@pwtorch.com.

LOUNGE DRESS CODE

Unlike the rest of PWTorch.com, smoking is permitted in The Lounge. There is no dress code. The Lounge is a new area of PWTorch.com that will feature columns from a variety of Torch Team Contributors (now also forever known as Lounge Dwellers). Each of them will write a column once a week, and a new Lounge column will be posted daily.

This Lounge features a different, more casual tone than the rest of PWTorch.com as the Lounge Dwellers write about wrestling, each other's opinions on wrestling, and some other stuff. They also welcome your feedback and will react to your letters in their columns. Here is the schedule of who you can expect to be here each day...

MONDAY: Gregg Allinson (also NWA-TNA reviewer)

TUESDAY: B.J. Bethel (also Smackdown reviewer)

TUESDAY: Robert Igoe (also Velocity/Confidential reviewer)

WEDNESDAY: Pete Nyman (also Velocity reviewer)

THURSDAY: James Guttman (also Raw alt perspective reviewer)

FRIDAY: Tony Marshall (also Heat and alt perspective PPV reviewer)

FRIDAY: Derek Burgan (also Smackdown reviewer)

SATURDAY: Mallory Mahling (longtime Raw alt perspective reviewer)

SUNDAY: Mike Sempervive (also NWA-TNA reviewer)

To visit the Main Lobby of the Lounge where you can access previous columns, click here.


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