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MITCHELL: Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of Lining His Pockets and Serving his Ego with All of Us Commodities
Jan 25, 2010 - 11:24:30 PM |
By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch columnist
The Mojo respectfully notes the passing of Georgiann Makropoulos, who in fifty-plus years covering the waterfront went from fan club president to newsstand magazine columnist to Wrestling Chatterbox newsletter maven to Internet writer, and along the way knew and talked to just about everyone in the business except me. Tonight, no doubt, she's back in her reserved seat in the old Garden, waiting for Bruno in the main event. Here's to her.
We start with those old rebels DeGeneration X. What, you thought we'd start with the celebrity Raw co-host, the one who stars on that show, you know, the one with other guy who has appendicitis? The one on the USA Network? No, not that one, the one I was surprised my sister-in-law watched, the other one...
Anyway, Shawn sent the leprechaun home. He's not happy. (Shawn, not the leprechaun.) For once, he wished his partner would see things from his side. Is that too much to ask?
Can This Marriage Be Saved?
It is too much to ask. Only one can run the household.
So, after fifteen years, the honeymoon is over.
That doesn't mean there isn't work to be done. DX faces Legacy (again). As usual, Shawn Michaels does the work and, lo and behold, shades of His Only Begotten Son Barry Windham turning on his NWA World Tag team partner Lex Luger and joining the Four Horseman twenty-years ago, (Did Arn Anderson produce it?) Triple H, completely by accident, isn't there when Barry, I mean, Shawn desperately needs a tag.
Unlike when Barry turned on Lex (and several years earlier, when Ernie Ladd turned on Dusty Rhodes), Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase don't get to win the NWA World Tag Team Titles like Arn & Tully Blanchard did. DX halfway makes up by the end of the match.
MVP tells Miz that he, Miz, is the U.S. Champion and he, MVP, is the number one contender, and that he, MVP, will win because he, MVP, is straight-up ballin'.
Miz cracks on MVP's time in prison, and his own time as a reality TV star. This is one of those over-scripted back and forth that you just know is going to end up, yeah, here we go...
MVP: As a matter of fact, Miz, you'd have a lot of friends in prison. They'd all be fighting to be your exclusive friend, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, we know.
Miz's friend on Raw, Big Show, squashes MVP flat.
John Cena hypes the season premiere of whatever show it is that the Raw co-host is the star of. The Miz comes in. Whatever that show is could have had the Miz. Probably so. The Raw host makes a match for Miz. Okay.
Randy Orton tells Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase he's beating Sheamus for the WWE title, with them or without them.
Maryse faces Eve Torres in this month's Divas Title tournament. I have to say, she's pretty snotty on the mic. Whoever that guy is who hosting Raw accidentally sets off the pyro and Maryse yells at him. She also gets one step closer to the coveted Diva's title shot.
Mr. McMahon wobbles down to the ring to make some sort of announcement about Bret Hart. I thought he already said Hart was never coming back. Either I've got to adjust the color on my TV, or the guy is wearing a brown and grey ensemble.
If Undertaker was here tonight I'd dare him to call me a coward. My son-in-law said you people would think I was a coward if I didn't bring Bret Hart back. "We want Bret!"
He again announces Bret Hart will never again appear in WWE. He goes out in the crowd to ask the fans to give him one good business reason to bring Bret back. He doesn't give them much time to answer before he heads back to the ring.
As he's leaving, John Cena heads to the ring. Maybe a rising young star like Cena will get the rub from the Excellence of Execution. Cena stands up for Bret Hart and Roddy Piper and McMahon's contention that the Superstars are nothing more than commodities who hit their expiration date.
Mr. McMahon: I have no idea what you're talking about. Hey, you wrote it, you tell us.
If you don't invite Bret to Raw you prove that we're all commodities and in 2035, when you're 90 years old, this used up commodity will knock your false teeth down your throat.
Oh, the jacket is purple. I always did have trouble with that shade. Anyway, McMahon bites, and invites Bret to Raw next week. That makes sense. He also gives away John Cena vs. WWE Champion Sheamus as the main event. Cena smiles, because wouldn't he want a match with the WWE Champion?
The Miz faces Kofi Kingston. They work awhile in the ring while Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler go over lucky numbers in the Royal Rumble. MVP's pyro goes off, The Miz is distracted, and Kofi kicks him in the head for the win.
Carlito talks that Carlito talk to the Raw co-host in the production truck, who makes a Carlito versus Kelly Kelly match. Carlito promises to do his best.
Santino Morella stops Kelly from enetering the ring. Morella has a copy of the (30 minute long) Best of Raw 2009 DVD. He looked foolish in it, so he's going to do something spectacular and win the Royal Rumble.
In the meantime, however, Jack Swagger jumps him and beats him up. That was mean.
Michael Cole forgets about the Carlito-Kelly match and hypes the Cena-Sheamus main event instead, leaving WWE Universe wondering what might have been.
The Raw host guy talks to the other guy and Cena on the phone, and Alicia Fox asked him something I didn't catch.
Alicia Fox faces Gail Kim in what they used to call a popcorn match but they now call the semi-finals in this month's Diva's tourney. Kim wins. Fox yells at that guy, then slaps him. Ouch.
Subsequent to that, the host said he was a better host than former movie star Freddie Prinze Jr. so maybe that's our WrestleMania celebrity match.
Or maybe not.
WWE champion Sheamus faces John Cena. Just as Sheamus might beat Cena by count-out, Randy Orton strikes the champion with an RKO. He just got Cena DQ'd, although no one will say it, so there goes Cena's promise to win all his matches until WrestleMania, if it wasn't gone already.
Anyway, Orton goes after an exhausted Cena, but, in a burst of energy, Cena Attitude Adjusts him as the show goes off the air.
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