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Chris Jericho is out front, asking fans to sign a petition to allow him to come back to Raw.
John Cena cuts a promo sitting on the top turnbuckle and looking down at a table much like the one he fell through to lose the WWE Title to Sheamus. He wants the match right now, instead of later, and he wants to make it a tables match because, wait, didn't he just lose a match like that?
Sheamus comes out. "Exactly how many tables do I have to throw you through, pal?"
He doesn't say that, but he does point out he doesn't have to prove anything, he's the champion. He turns down the table match. It's not a challenge to him. He's going to beat Cena straight up, one on one, later on tonight. That makes sense.
Cena dumps Sheamus through the table.
Timbaland is backstage watching Divas shakin' it. He asks the fans whether they want Cena and Sheamus to get it on tonight for the WWE Championship. The fans say yes, so that's settled.
Randy Orton tells Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase that it's time to break up Legacy. He's wasted the last 18 months of his life, Three guys who never teamed together beat them, and a Nobody is a champion. Ted DiBiase points out how many times Legacy saved Orton. He tell them if they don't win tonight he'll kick them out of Legacy and beat the hell out of them besides.
Orton comes down to watch the matches.
Jericho is out in the cold, making a speech on a bull-horn asking to be reinstated.
Ted DiBiase faces Evan Bourne in the Lose and Get Kicked Out of Legacy match. DiBiase's movie comes out tomorrow, so you'd think he's winning here. DiBiase wins with Dream Street in two minutes. Whew. That was close.
Cody Rhodes faces Mark Henry. Rhodes kicks Henry knee, then DDTs him for the win. Orton walks over to Rhodes, shakes his hand, and walks him up the aisle.
Jillian Hall wants to audition for Timbaland.
Shawn Michaels took Hornswoggle to church. Triple H taped him to a skateboard. Michaels is a little bothered by this Bret Hart thing.
Hornswoggle rolls into the auditioning Hall, and knocks her on her butt to the delight of Timbaland.
Kelly Kelly faces Maryse. Kelly loses. Maryse cuts a promo on Divas Champ Melina.
I can't tell if Mr. McMahon is strutting or limping to the ring. I can tell he's wearing a purple shirt. Lent's over, bud.
Big Show tells Chris Jericho outside the arena that it was special, no one knew me like you did, but it's over. Jericho is going to cherish forever the letter he hands him. You know, because they're gay. He looks at the letter and chuckles evilly.
Mr. McMahon is in the ring. Some fans chant "We want Bret." There's nothing Mr. McMahon won't do for all of you in the WWE. He shows a Hitman Highlight video, that turns into the dark Montreal screwjob video, including the infamous "Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart" line. He claimed Bret wouldn't shake his hand at the Hall of Fame. (Vince thinks he's Hogan, which figures.) Despite all of that, to show he's the better man and there's nothing he won't do for you people next week the guest host will be...
Will be...
(It's like how the Fonz could never say he was wrong.)
He can't do it. Bret Hart will never be the guest host on Raw.
Mr. McMahon starts to leave, but Shawn Michaels comes down, looking all humble.
"Sometimes there are rivalries that are bigger than the industry. So big you can't deny yourself or the people."
Michaels doesn't mean Bret, he means the Undertaker. He wants his WrestleMania rematch.
McMahon tells Michaels if the match is going to happen, he has to make it happen himself.
One more thing: Being afraid of Bret Hart? Maybe it's time you brought yourself some closure. If you bring Bret Hart back, only good things will happen.
McMahon takes that to mean DX will help him get Hart. He changes his mind and makes Bret Hart next week's guest host.
That was something of a mess.
Sheamus jumps Cena backstage. MVP, Kofi Kingston, and The Miz all hang out with Timbaland.
If Kofi wins against Miz, he gets a U.S. Title shot tonight.
Kofi Kingston beats The Miz quickly so Kofi Kingston gets a title shot against Miz. I know, it sounds stupid.
Julie Andrews and The Rock in a movie. Whatta world.
Kofi Kingston's quest for the U.S. belt ends when Randy Orton beats him up. This gets more heat than Mr. McMahon and his announcement earlier tonight.
Orton is going to kick Kofi Kingston in the skull next week.
DX faces Big Show and his mystery partner. Triple H says Big Show is about to consummate things with his new partner (BECAUSE THEY'RE GAY). A dispirited Michaels adds, "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Jericho comes down. There was a ringside ticket in that envelope.
Show's partner is Chavo Guerrero. I guess he's JeriShow's mascot. Hornswoggle sneaks in to try to Pedigree Chavo, but gets tossed over his head. Triple H does it instead for the win.
Triple H tells Jericho he can have his JeriShow rematch next week, and this time when Jericho loses he's off Raw forever. He means it, too. So much for DX versus the Hart Dynasty.
They finally let the laidback Timbaland appear in front of the crowd to ring-announce the John Cena-Sheamus match. He looks exhausted.
Sheamus defends the WWE Title against John Cena in a four minute match. Sheamus throws down Cena for the deliberate DQ right before Cena went for the Attitude Adjustment. Cena chases Sheamus down and throws him back in the ring, but Sheamus kicks him down and stands over him in triumph as the show goes off the air.
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Bruce Mitchell's columns appear in the Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter every week. He and PWTorch editor Wade Keller discuss wrestling's current events and history for about two hours every week in the PWTorch VIP Audio Show section (available with an RSS feed, also, for paid members). Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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