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MOJO MITCHELL'S RAW STREAM 11/23: Stream of Time And A Half As Long And Nowhere Nearly As Good As Usual
Nov 24, 2009 - 10:27:35 AM |
Well, they're blowing off the first ever John Cena vs. C.M. Punk match on free TV.
Thanks.
Randy Orton bigfoots... Wait, did Whoozits the Ring Announcer just say that blowhard Jesse Ventura used to be governor somewhere? How is that possible?
Orton wants Jesse to prove he's "radical" by making yet another John Cena-Randy Orton title match. Uh, "radical" doesn't mean "stale."
Here comes Jesse. He's dropped some weight since the last time I saw him. "I ain't dressed like no governor, I'm dressed like pro wrestling!"
"Pro wrestling," did he say? God bless Jesse Ventura.
Jesse Ventura is "the governor of revolution." Oh brother. He's bringing something new. None of these (same old) people will get a shot at the title. There will be a series of matches and, uh, some sort of a battle royal and the winner of something or another will be the number one contender for one of the world titles. That should kill three hours. What Jesse says goes.
Hart Dynasty faces DeGeneration X, too. (Uh oh.)
Jesse still has that Jesse bravado, and that means he's pretty damn good so far.
Kofi Kingston faces Dolph Ziggler. As Kofi walks out, Orton is between Kofi and the ring. They pass, staring each other down. Michael Cole explains that aRaw Superstar will end challenging the Undertaker tonight and since C.M. Punk will face Cena, a Smackdown Superstar will end up facing, uh, John Cena. No, wait, I mean at the TLC pay-per-view. Something like that. Apparently Vince is tired of all the complaining about the re-run main events. Kofi wins.
Jesse is going to blow the lid off the Warren Conspiracy 40 years too late. Way to go, Jesse. You're better off reading James Ellroy's "American Tabloid."
Raw and Smackdown Superstars are going to tell us what they can be thankful for - you know, the stuffing in this show that takes up the space where the turkey guts would be (right, Wade?).
Miz is thankful he's loved by the fans. Except he's not.
Sheamus, who Jerry Lawler wants no part of, faces Finlay. Here we go. Finlay is kicking his ass out of the ring. Ouch. Sheamus recovers to win in a stiff, brief match.
Smilin' Teddy Long is thankful... that Mr. McMahon has appointed Vickie Guerrero as his personal advisor.
Vickie is grateful WWE is paying her more than five hundred bucks a shot…
I hope.
Jesse Ventura is proud of Randy Orton for retiring those old guys, like the one with the Whoo tickets. Jesse never came back to the ring after he retired.
C.M. Punk is in the ring. He's thankful for being straight edge. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, take prescription pills, or eat a lot of turkey at Thanksgiving.
"Three cheers for mediocrity! Tonight I face John Cena!" Ouch.
C.M. Punk faces John Cena. First, though, they take their shirts off. Punk has chest hair, and that's not the only difference between the two. Punk wrestles Cena's same old match. Nothing the Governor can do about that. Cena wins with an Attitude Adjustment from the top rope. That's new.
Let's see if Vince McMahon is as rude to Jesse as he was to Roddy Piper. Nah. "Rest easy Vince, I'm not here to wrestle you. Minnesota had a 32 billion dollar budget, I can run your little pipsqueak organization."
Jesse says Vince's dad gave his son no power and made him an announcer to keep him out of trouble, "so tonight we're going back to the days you and I worked together at ringside on Saturday Night's Main Event."
(Vince Gulp of Doom.)
This should be fun.
MVP & Mark Henry & R-Truth kill some time with Chris Masters & Chavo Guerrero & Jack Swagger, I mean they qualify for the big battle royal tonight.
DX are so cute, bickering over how many times they hit each other in the match last night: A little subpoena, a little lawsuit, and a little humor from Hornswoggle.
A little.
Evan Bourne faces (oh god, we're not even halfway through yet) Primo. Oops, Randy Orton kicks Primo's ass. He's taking his place. Jesse breaks his own rule and lets Orton be in the Battle Royal if he beats Bourne.
Orton wins. He's in the battle royal.
Can Ted DiBiase carry the same movie WWE always makes? He looks a little bland in the preview.
It's the first-ever Mayflower Melee with several Divas. The first team doesn't like being dressed as Pilgrims. Hey, look, it's the Gobbledygooker. He's the timekeeper (yawn). The second team is Indians.
The match is dead on arrival.
Except it turns out the Gobbledygooker is really the returning Maryse and she beats up the Diva's champ Melina!
The show is losing steam, which could be perverse fun. Jesse Ventura running over Vince McMahon on the mic as a dead Battle Royal runs on certainly has potential for unintended mirth.
DeGeneration X faces the Hart Dynasty. Hey, maybe this is where Bret Hart runs in and costs DX the match! He said he'd be willing to help his young family members out, didn't he? Isn't it about time he got over Montreal, (not to mention that dead brother)?
I guess not. Sheet Chin Music, Pedigree, and "that's all she wrote."
Here's Chris Jericho. Oh well, I'd rather see him in 2009 anyway. He tells DX they're fighting Jerishow at TLC. Triple H says Big Show is eating at the chocolate factory here in Hershey.
Jericho wants to be serious.
Batista needs a shave. He cuts one of those expository promos explaining why he crushed poor little Rey – pretty good lying heel stuff here. "The Undertaker is mine. The world title is mine."
No so fast. Here comes Undertaker's brother, Kane. "Please, Dave, make an example out of me." Batista slyly grins and slowly backs out of the ring.
Cryme Tyme faces Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase for the last two battle royal slots. Crowd is definitely tired now (or maybe it's just me). Legacy gets the two spots.
The "Jeff Hardy: My Life DVD" goes on sale. Tell me why any mainstream PG-rated company that markets to kids would sell that while charges are still pending.
Santino lectures Alicia Fox and Gail Kim on how they should be cooking for him on Thanksgiving. He gets two pumplin pies in the face. Then the Bellas do the same thing. Eva Torres too…
Then a blinded Santino accidentally pops a pie in Vickie's face. The fans laugh, but it's a long way for a joke.
Jesse Ventura comes down for the battle royal. What, he couldn't get some Warren Zevon to come out to? Carmelita, maybe? He recalls the old "WWF," then introduces a tuxedoed Vince McMahon, who comes out to that awful "Obsssion" song that used to be the SNME theme.
"This is a rotten idea," McMahon complains.
Kofi Kingston, Sheamus, Randy Orton, R-Truth, Mark Henry, and MVP are our contestants. Orton just stands on the floor. R-Truth is out first. Jesse starts in on McMahon and the referees, just like the old days. Jesse seems to recognize everyone in the ring, which means he prepared for this more show more than all the ones he did in WCW combined.
Orton, Kofi Kingston, and Sheamus are left. McMahon says Orton will obviously win. If it's old-time Vince McMahon announcing; that means Orton's obviously not winning.
"How dare you call me, a Vietnam veteran, a coward?"
McMahon sputters. God bless Jesse Ventura.
Kofi eliminates Orton. Sheamus eliminates Kofi, and gets a title shot against John Cena. Pretty perfunctory.
This show ran out of gas about an hour ago.
Ventura moderates the contract signing between Sheamus and John Cena. Cena isn't impressed with Sheamus, bullying and preying on the weak, then cuts a hyper-active "serious" promo. For a second I thought he was going to cry.
He calms down. "You sign that paper, you go to war with me."
Staredown.
Jesse cuts a promo on Cena. "You're the perfect little champion. I never got a shot at the champion!" Yeah, he did – against both Bob Backlund and Hulk Hogan. Great look, great promo, terrible wrestler, in case you're wondering.
Sheamus takes advantage of the distraction by kicking Cena down, then putting him through a table. The fans aren't sure what to make of this.
I'm glad Sheamus is getting the main event, and it was fun to see a motivated Jesse Ventura after all these years, but wrestling TV shows shouldn't be three hours long because the fans run out of energy.
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