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By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch senior columnist

When I was in fourth grade, my buddy Walt and I used to borrow his older brother Mike's "Black Sabbath" Paranoid album so we could listen to it on his turntable. (That's album, not download or CD or cassette or track tape.) As a teenager who knew exactly what Lester Bangs and Robert Christgau and the Reverend Charles M. Young meant, if you had told me Ozzy would be a household name/harmless joke almost forty years later, well, I would have had a lot of questions about the future that maybe didn't include Black Sabbath...

Ozzy is sitting on his throne, because there's no sense in spending network time on how long it would take him to walk to the ring. Sharon, who you may know is the wife, prompts him through a few non sequiturs, then Miz comes out to get his count-out loss from last week no one remembers or cares about taken off the record, Legacy wants a handicap match against Kofi Kingston, and Big Show wants an apology for Raw turning on him last week.

Then, since all celebrities love Triple H and his partner, and it's not because D Gen X is wearing out their welcomeor anything, DeGeneration X comes out to plug their book and Ozzy's book, neither of which were written by their authors. They get the Osbournes to book Miz in a rematch versus Evan "Bron," "Kobe" Kingston against Randy Orton (we'll see), and John Cena versus Big Show versus Chris Jericho, jobber to the stars and almost-stars. The Ozbournes do the DX pose because DX is just so cool.

Miz beats Evan Bourne in a decent TV match.

Joey Matthews: Is there anything (Sheamus) would do tonight to impress Ozzy Osbourne?

Sheamus: You mean other than stand on this box?

Sheamus squashes jobber-to-the-mid-card Jamie Noble again. He squashes him so badly the ref stops the match because apparently Noble has such a severe concussion his eyes won't close. Sheamus then powerbombs the damaged Noble on the floor so hard he starts bleating incoherently, sounding a lot like like Ozzy on Paranoid.

Randy Orton faces Kofi Kingston. This starts with some real heat. Kofi does well early. Legacy comes out to help Orton catch Kofi.

The Ozbournes on the pre-tape don't like Kofi's odds. Sharon makes it a six-man tag. "That's right," Ozzy bleats, "It black geys versus the white guys!"

Or was that Bill Murray?

Anyway, MVP & Mark Henry & Kofi Kingston face Randy Orton & Legacy. Even-Steven Rules say that Ted DiBiase pins MVP. Ole, Gene, and Lars cut off MVP in the corner. A table with three legs cannot stand.

Kofi Kingston cuts an assured promo about his match next with Orton.

Poor ol' Even Steven. He's nowhere in sight when Mark Henry pins Cody Rhodes. Poor Ol' Legacy. Remember when they beat DeGeneration X? Me neither.

Ozzy, Sharon, and The Great Khali host "Raw's Got Talent." Yeah, well, we'll see.

As you might expect, Santino Marella is first to sing "Bark at The Moon."

He's dressed like Ozzy. He bites the head off a bat – a Batman action figure, that is. "Rubbish," Sharon yells. Where was she when we needed her all these Monday nights.

Chris Masters makes his pecs dance to "Gyno Train." Randy Rhoades died for that?

Jillian Hall and Chavo Guerrrero sing some duet Ozzy sang with Lita Ford. Everyone's getting gonged tonight.

I think Jillian and Sharon are going to fight. Yep, Sharon slapped her.

Chavo steps toward Sharon. Khali stands up and slaps him down. Hornswoggle, dressed like Jack Osbourne, frog-splashes Chavo. What fun!

The Bella Twins, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, Alicia Fox, and Eve have a Battle Royal. The winner goes for the big prize - not getting over, either. Jack Swagger likes Eve. Alicia Fox wins.

A video package airs recapping Randy Orton versus Kofi Kingston, which would seem to indicate it counts for something. We'll see.

Dave Batista plays bully well with little Rey.

Man, Ozzy's a shrimp. Chris Jericho almost towers over him. The Osbournes laugh at the Jericho trademark promo.

DX tells Hornswoggle he can't imitate DX for two weeks. They hang Hornswoggle on a hook. I can't spell leprechaun. DX and John Cena do comedy about their three-way match for the title at Survivor Series. I'm not sure it's amusing enough to generate pay-per-view buys.

The stars of Raw are here to watch from ringside as John Cena faces Big Show faces Big Show. Triple H and Shawn Michaels note the people yelling in their ears. It's good to be kings.

Dr. Wertham can tell you what it means that Shawn is Robin to Triple H's Batman. DX is so cool, too cool to care about sports entertainment matches - even our main event. Big Show fussing with Jericho, does that foreshadow trouble in our heroes' camp?

Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment on Jericho, but Show reaches across the ropes and knocks him silly. Jericho pins Cena. Huh?

DeGeneration X hits the ring for the save. JeriShow kicks their ass. Huh?

What was the main event for Survivor Series again?

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