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MOJO MITCHELL'S WWE RAW 9/21: Stream of Bang! Whack! Take That...
Sep 21, 2009 - 10:54:29 PM |
Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of Bang! Whack! Take That, Nowinski! Latka Gravas, Cedric Isn't All That Entertaining, and Lillian Garcia Says GoodBye
Yikes! That Jenna Elfman show on CBS is awful.
We start with Cedric the Entertainer, who apparently thinks he's still hosting BET's Comic View. He comes out of his limo with a couple of ladies, a few fellow comedians, Linda McMahon, a rabbi performing a bris (a Seinfeld swipe), and a hillbilly with a goat. That's obviously funny. Well, it's obvious.
DX is out in the ring first. Is it the pivotal promo that gets over The Legacy as a real threat to both DX and the rest of the WWE Universe? Well, no. They point out Shawn Michaels was in the first Hell in a Cell and Triple H holds the record for winning Hell in a Cells. Legacy, on the other hand, have no idea what the devastation they're in for. They even whipped Vincent Kennedy McMahon in one, and they like him. In two weeks this thing between DX and Legacy come to an end.
No acknowledgment that Legacy beat them. No acknowledgment that Legacy made Shawn Michaels submit. The truth is, the bigger the opponents, the bigger the match-up. DX already acquiesced to an important part of the formula. Why can't they complete the deal and put them over verbally as well. By not doing so, the fued they win won't be as big as it could have been, and DX won't get all the benefit from it they should have.
Triple H faces Cody Rhodes. Wow, WWE answers Chris Nowinski's recent criticism of their lack of a policy to deal with concussions with a resounding thud, namely the thwacks the two brutal chairshots Ted DiBiase gave The Game made after Cody Rhodes was DQ'd. That'll show the ungrateful Nowinski, who no one would even know if it wasn't for WWE.
Cedric is back. Now he's on the ramp. He's hosted a million comedy shows, so he cuts maybe the worst monologue in his career, at least I hope so, about Big Show being the illegitimate son of Andre the Giant and King Kong Bundy, and Miz being the son of a Jackass…. hahahahahahh…Cole says that's funny.
Latka Gravas comes out to try his comedy act. I liked it better when he did Elvis at the end..
Chavo comes out. Cedric thinks it's funny Chavo loses to a leprechaun every week. Latka tells him Chavo he really loses the matches. Cedric makes a funny face. Hahahahahaha. Cole, that's funny.
Chavo wants to fight Ced. No, he says, he's not a wrestler. Cedric starts yelling something or other about a website and some movie he's directing or something. Latka says Ced will wrestle Chavo.
Just awful. If any of the WWE writers thought Ol' Ced might be their recommendation to a real Hollywood job, well, guess again, guys.
Miz stole the U.S. Title because he's really from the U.S. and Kofi's not. Kofi punches him from behind and takes his belt back. Beginning, middle, and end. I may vote this Feud of The Year, even though it's out of order.
Evan Bourne faces poor Miz.
No, poor Evan Bourne. He loses to Miz when he misses a Shooting Star Press and Miz pins him with the Finale.
Kofi Kingston > The Miz > Evan Bourne.
Civil War? I'm on Cap's side.
Randy Orton tells Legacy to take the rest of the night off, he's got his HIAC contract signing with John Cena. I don't believe him.
Jerry Lawler hosts the contract signing. He reminds Cena and Orton there's a no physicality rule in effect. Either Orton faces Cena for the title in the Cell or he loses his rematch. Orton signs. He doesn't look chicken to me.
Orton tells Lawler to get out. He tells Cena he's more dangerous than he's ever been. Cena has never been in the Cell. Orton has. Cena will never be the same after this match.
Cena stands up. He makes an intense face, then blows Orton off with, "Did yo say something?" He shows a video designed to get fans to chant "I quit" at Orton, but they don't. Cena was actually tortured by Orton and still won. He mockingly offers to back out of the Cell and give Orton the title.
He signs the contract, makes the obligatory boys in their underwear reference, then "gets serious." When they lock the door he'll destroy Randy Orton.
Orton found a few individuals who are as annoyed at Cena's bad promo tonight that they want to jump Cena for him. It's not Legacy (wow, what a swerve), it's Chris Jericho and Big Show.
MVP and Mark Henry make the save, and our gust host makes the inevitable six-man tag match for later tonight.
Alicia Fox comes to ringside to watch champ Mickie James face Beth Phoenix. Again. Phoenix squashes the champ?!? Alicia Foxx scissor kicks James for added insult. Poor thing.
Kofi Kingston defends the U.S. Title against Jack Swagger. Miz attacks Kingston from behind and steals the U.S. belt again. Swagger clotheslines Miz from behind and steals the belt from him instead.
Jack Swagger > The Miz > Kofi Kingston > Evan Bourne
Hey, I got it! Let's have a four way for the U.S. Title at the pay-per-view and Kofi can win it and get his belt back!
Chavo faces Ced, who's out in an outfit that's a cross between the King of Memphis and The King of Soul. He puts on a lucha mask to start the match. Chavo stomps on his hat. Now Ced is mad, so he crawls up under the ring. Did I mention that Latka is special guest ref?
Anyway, a much bigger, more muscular (and almost as athletic) masked Ced comes out from under the ring to squash Chavo. He crawls back under the ring. Little Ced then crawls out to Tadpole splash Chavo for the umpteenth week in a row. He rolls out and the real Ced returns to pin Chavo. He unmasks. Hornswoggle does, too. But the big lummox keeps his on. They dance together.
That was cute, but they should have done it in the first hour as it was pretty much for the kiddies.
Reverend Al Sharpton is guest host next host. I'd be interested in hearing how that came about and how it turns out.
Ced macks on Kelly Kelly. Chris Jericho interrupts. We need to talk. Ced blows him off to continue macking. Big Show interrupts. We need to talk. Ced gulps.
Jerry Lawler announces that it's Lillian Garcia last night. She's in tears. She makes a nice speech. This makes WWE look more mainstream than anything else they have done.
Jericho, in the ring with Big Show and Randy Orton, tells Orton that they bullied Ced into raising the stakes for the match. If Cena wins, Orton has to face MVP, Mark Henry, and Cena in Gauntlet match next week. If Orton wins Cena has to face Jericho, Show, and Otton the same way. Big Show assures Orton they've got it.
I love that someone is smart enough to make sure the match has consequences on both sides.
Chris Jericho, Big Show, and Randy Orton face MVP, Mark Henry, and John Cena. Big MVP chant. Orton RKO's Henry so Cena faces the Gauntlet next week. He makes a concerned face as the show goes off the air.
Score 4.0
This was one of those shows that demonstrates why WWE's young writers are on Stephanie McMahon's staff instead of actually working in Hollywood. It's extremely difficult to write in voice as distinctive as Cedric the Entertainer's and the writers here failed miserably in the first segment particularly. Ced didn't help matters with his website rant.
The big programs (DX-Legacy and Cena-Orton) seemed like they were going through the motions with stuff we've seen before and better. I don't understand why DX puts Legacy over in the ring, but not in the mic. Speaking of the mic, I wanted someone to take it away from Cena tonight. The writers did him no favors, either. That U.S. Title merry-go-round is endemic of why it's so hard to break out in WWE. WWE did the right thing by Lillian Garcia tonight, and she showed why she stood above the Divas for ten years.
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