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BY BRUCE MITCHELL, PWTORCH SENIOR COLUMNIST

We're in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. That sounds familiar. Wasn't there once a famous wrestler from Calgary?

Randy Orton wants to address the rumors that he's worried about facing John Cena at Summerslam, and that he bullied Jeremy Piven last week to do his dirty work. He bullied him because he can. He will beat John Cena at Summerslam – not a rumor, it's a fact.

John Cena comes out. Something about rumors and lies and areas of grey makes him angry. Hmmm… He's ready to snap. He's tired of Orton talking about what he's going to do and thinking this business owes him something. (That usually means Vince is in a mood.) And he's tired or Orton bullying people.

You want to bully someone, bully me. (The classic babyface statement.)

Big Show and Chris Jericho come out. Nice suits. Please don't tell me Orton and Cena are going to team together for no reason.

Show knows how to bully and intimidate people. Orton and Cena don't.

Huge "Y2J" chant interrupts Show.

Sure enough, Jericho convinced Sgt. Slaughter to give him a one-on-one match against John Cena.

I guess Jericho doesn't want to be World Champion. He could have gotten a title match and punished the fans he hates by making them watch another Cena-Show match besides.

Show does.

Is it me, or did three out of four here just turn?

Sgt. Slaughter calls us to attention.

Alicia Fox, Gail Kim, Beth Phoenix, and Kelly Kelly have what used to be called a Texas Tornado match with all four in the ring fighting each other at the same time.  Actually TT matches weren't where all four faced each other, usually tag teams stayed together. This is sloppy but the crowd likes it. Native Gail Kim pins Fox. I guess they figured she's Asian so she couldn't be from Canada.

Sgt. Slaughter is out. Why exactly did WWE book a USA gimmick in Canada? He respects our neighbors in the North so he leads us all in a salute to the Canadian flag.

Oops, he's a heel. He shows a flag with a bar on it. If it weren't for the U.S., Canada would be ruled by either France or Russia.

He demands the Canadians pay their respects to the greatest country in the world and recites the Pledge of Allegiance.

So, clearly, WWE is still mad at Canada. They're also disrespectful to the Pledge.

Why does Triple H need Shawn Michaels's help, anyway? Sure, he lost to Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase added together last week, but he was able to more than hold his own, and the loss sure didn't seem to bother him.  

Jack Swagger completely whipped Evan Bourne last week on Raw, but since their series score is one-to-one he gets to do it again.

MVP wants him, though. He knows how to work the Canadian thing. He can beat Swagger in this ring, tonight.

Maybe, next week, MVP decks him.  

Triple H is looking for HBK at a Texas diner. First he thinks a male waiter with a longhaired wig is Michaels, and then after the guy tries to pick him up, he discovers Michaels is the cook there.

As Michael Cole says, "What?"

Michaels must be really bored with being a WWE main eventer if he's doing this kind of stuff.

Slaughter is out again. He's got Jillian Hall to sing the Canadian National Anthem, except she sings "God Bless America."

The returning Eugene faces The (masked) Calgary Kid in a Raw contract on a pole match. The Kid wins. He face-plants a crying Eugene, then unmasks.

That's right. The Miz is back. Finally, a storyline with a clear beginning, middle, and end.

Randy Orton faces The Big Show. The typical Big Show versus a main eventer match. Show is the face here. Orton finally just walks away and gets counted out.

Michaels tells Triple H he's a chef. "For some corporate nimrods?" Another kid throws tater-tots in his face. "I'm happy and I'm really good at what I do." The grill catches on fire. He agrees to listen to Triple H.

Sigh.

MVP faces Chris Masters. Nice tits. MVP beats Masters. Swagger appears on the ramp. Masters puts a distracted MVP in the Master-Lock. Swagger put the boots to him to set up their match next week.

Back to whatever Raw is this week. Triple H begs HBK to come back while he helps him cook. One of the corporate nimrods yells at Michaels, so he superkicks him.

"I'm in."

He superkicks the mean little girl too.

Sigh.

Slaughter introduces the Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Ever Will Be, only it's Jim Duggan, whom nobody much visited at his vendor table at NWA Fanfest. See, twelve years ago Vince McMahon broke the creative control clause in Bret Hart's contract and deliberately embarrassed him by causing him to lose Shawn Michaels in Canada. Bret Hart punched McMahon out backstage and when the story got out the Canadian fans weren't happy. That's why Slaughter keeps taunting the audience.

The answer to your question is: Yes, twelve years is an awful long time ago.   

Chavo Guerrero doesn't want to wrestle Smilin' Mark Henry and Hornswoggle so he sends out Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. The fans want Bret. After the World's Strongest Man tossed them around a little, Legacy tricks H.S. into tagging in, then DiBiase Dream-Streets him for the pin.

DiBiase says Legacy is ready to face DX. Too bad.

Chris Jericho is backstage so he doesn't get cheered too much. He dedicates his victory to Calgary. (He's losing.)

Big Show pulls him to the side, where Jericho explains how easy it is to manipulate Canadians. Hell, he's not even Canadian; he was born in the U.S.

"We're still on the air." Oops. I like how they paid attention to detail; with this "eavesdropping." We'll see if it works. Nice try, but I say no.

Freddie Prinze Jr. is going to explain what happened to his career next week as the guest host on Raw.

John Cena faces Chris Jericho. Jerry Lawler explains that Canada is Bizarro World again, instead of the WWE Orwellian Universe. Calgary is still for Jericho.  

Cena escapes the Walls of Jericho, and then slaps Jericho in the STF. Orton hits the ring, wants to punt him in the head, the ref calls for the bell, Jericho taps anyways, Cena stands up to stare at Orton, Jericho hits the Codebreaker. Jericho attacks Orton, Orton throws Jericho out of the ring, Big Show chokeslams Orton, Slaughter makes Orton & Cena versus Jericho & Show for next week, Orton and Cena throw out Show, and Orton and Cena team up to beat up Jericho.

It's almost like Orton turned good. Both Cena and Orton have weird looks on their faces as we go off the air.

Final Thoughts (3.0): UFC has George St. Pierre. WWE has... this. Why does WWE even go to Calgary, anyway? They can't help but sabotage their show because of what happened in Montreal a million years ago.  Shawn Michaels must be awfully bored with wrestling if that chef mid-card comedy stuff is what he wants to do. I think I saw the last two weeks of Miz on TNA Impact. Chris Jericho gave getting over as a heel in Canada the old college try, but it didn't work.

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