TAKE PWTORCH
WITH YOU! Get our iPhone App (FREE!): Click Here Or enter "PWTorch.com" on your Blackberry or other Smart Phone browser for mobile-version of PWTorch.
MITCHELL'S TAKE
MOJO MITCHELL'S RAW 7/27: Stream of Not The Most Dominant Player, Fat Boys, Limpin' Triple H, The Worst Catch Phrase Ever, and The Return of The Four Corners Jul 27, 2009 - 11:07:06 PM
Up in the ring Jerry Lawler, The World's Oldest Teenager, is delighted to introduce Raw's "guest host," Shaquille O'Neal, because this isn't a wrestling promotion that needs a general manager to run it, apparently it’s "The Tonight Show."
Shaq wants to fight Brock Lesnar. No, he doesn't. Yes he does, just not here.
Shaq is doing great until he has to explain the five-man Beat The Clock gimmick for tonight. Luckily, Lawler is there to help. The winner gets a title shot with Randy Orton at Summerslam. Shockingly, even though Orton beat both guys last night in one title match and they should have dropped to the bottom of the contender's ladder, Triple H and John Cena are among the five contestants.
"When I heard the most dominant player in NBA history was hosting Raw, I thought I'd come out and meet Kobe Bryant."
Ouch.
Actually Bill Russell is the most dominant player in NBA history, but he's not here tonight so he misses out.
Oooh, Shaq called him "Christina." It's not "How does my ass taste?" but the crowd likes it. Shaq kisses him on the forehead but Jericho, pro that he is, keeps a straight face.
Jericho is offended that Shaq didn't consult or cater to him, so he's bringing out his big brother Big Show.
"You'd have a better chance of making two free throws in a row than intimidating me."
Ouch.
"Look here, fat boy…" You know Shaq enjoys the chance to say it himself for a change. He wants to fight Show. Show doesn't want to fight him. NBA Guest Host David Stern would give Show a hard time for destroying Shaq. It's not worth the trouble.
"Yeah, and I'm not going to fight you, either." Little Jericho is so cute.
Shaq makes a match between the Unified champs and Cryme Tyme with himself as Ringside Enforcer.
Smilin' Mark Henry faces Carlito in the first Beat The Clock match of the night. This goes a very long 6:59 before Henry wins with world's Strongest Slam.
Why is it important that the SummerSlam challenger wins his match against some scrub quicker than four other guys facing four other scrubs? Who knows?
Beth Phoenix & Alicia Fox & Rosa Mendes face new champ Mickie James & Gail Kim, & Kelly Kelly. No Maryse. Lawler is doing all the commentary because Michael Cole went to the back to try to get an interview with Shaq. Really? Kim hits a missile dropkick for the win.
Cole wants to know what Shaq has in store for the rest of the show, but Shaq gets Hornswoggle to dunk on a little goal. He misses and falls on his butt. Cole is a geeky white guy trying to be cool.
If WWE is going to keep doing this celebrity guest host stuff they needs some comedy writer who can come with something beside the most obvious joke every time.
In the next BTC match MVP is in a handicap match against the debuting Chris Masters and his new hair. Masters locks in the Master Lock on MVP outside the ring on both guys are counted out, so MVP is out. Whatever it is that Chris Masters never had, he still doesn't have it.
The Brian Kendrick is trash-talking Lawler outside the ring before his match with Kofi Kingston. After he finishes beating up Kingston he's going to slap Lawler. Instead, Kingston immediately dropkicks Kendrick for the win. Lawler and the crowd love it.
Ted DiBiase hits Triple H in the leg with a club to raise the non-existent possibility that Cody Rhodes, Triple H's opponent, could actually beat Triple H in their BTC match.
Limpin' Triple H faces Cody Rhodes in their BTC match. John Cena goes last so he's probably getting the shot. Big Triple H chant. It's a pretty even match. Rhodes is playing for time so his Legacy leader Randy Orton won't have to face the great Triple H at Summerslam. As time goes by I start to daydream about a Randy Orton vs. Smilin' Mark Henry main event at SummerSlam.
Keep hope alive! Ted DiBiase appears in the last twenty seconds, just as Triple H is about to give Rhodes a Pedigree. Dumb ol' Triple H stops to get in DiBiase's face on the ring apron (to be fair, DiBiase just did almost break his heavily-muscled leg) instead of finishing.
Shaq has the obligatory comedy segment backstage with Santino. They're playing Scrabble. Cryme Tyme talks that talk with Shaq, Santino steals poor Ray Gordy's gimmick as the geeky white guy who hangs around Cryme Tyme and thinks he's black. you know, the gimmick the white writers always come up with to ease their sneaking suspicion that they're not black enough to write for the likes of Cryme Tyme.
Shaq makes Chavo Guerrero wrestle Hornswoggle with one of those fake blindfold hoods on. The only one who ever got that one over was The Crusher. Hornswoggle wins.
Hey, that's right, there are five guys in the Beat the Clock match. Jack Swagger could ruin my dream of a Smilin' Mark Henry-Randy Orton SS main event.
Jack Swagger faces Evan Bourne in the fourth BTC match. This could be fun. Bourne wins with 3:10 left on the clock keeping my dream alive.
I wonder if, when Shaq challenges Brock Lesnar on his WWE Universe page, WWE will have the nerve to delete it.
John Cena faces The Miz in the last BTC match of the night. I remember when the Miz was an up-and-coming Superstar who actually had a feud going with Cena.
Limpin' Triple H wants Cody Rhodes & Rhodes next week because "when you cut the tail off the dog, the dog dies." Uh, no, it doesn't. Ask Michael Vick. I think the Game is going to be living that one down for a while.
Anyway, don't screw with him.
The Miz makes fun of the Wizards and the Redskins (they're in D.C.), not that there isn't a lot of material there. He's going into the famed Four Corners in his BTC match with John Cena, so my GMH dream can come true.
Randy Orton is at ringside. The dueling Cena chants starts, so Lawler claims no one in the arena is rooting for the Miz.
Darn, no Smilin' Mark Henry in the title match at SummerSlam. Miz taps with more than two minutes to go on the clock, so John Cena gets Henry's title shot.
It's just as well. I always hated that cowardly, gutless Four Corners.
Chris Jericho & Big Show face Cryme Tyme with Shaq as a ringside enforcer in a non-title match. Cryme Tyme (they need a new kid-friendly name; they already dropped the babyface thievery). Nor much heat. Everyone is waiting for Shaq to do something. Cryme Tyme wins by DQ because just as they are about pin Jericho, Big Show starts stomping them.
The big moment is here. Show is going to double chokeslam CT, but Shaq tears off his ref shirt and gets in the ring. The two goes for the fabled simultaneous chokeslam, but CT kick Show in the stomach and Shaq awkwardly knocks Show on his butt.
Cole: "Boom Shakalaka!" I guess I wasn't the only one listening to the new Sly at Woodstock release on the treadmill today. After hearing Cole (Vince?), I wish I was.
FINAL THOUGHTS (5.5): This was another solid PG 13 show. Shaquille O'Neal is good at wrestling skit acting (he's something of a wrestling gimmick himself) so that helped. The celebrity guest host gimmick itself is starting to wear a little thin. It's seems like we've been seeing the same skits three weeks in a row.
The Beat The Clock for a title shot gimmick was as predictable as it was easy to understand for the PG 13 audience. I liked Evan Bourne upsetting Jack Swagger. I didn't like the MVP-Chris Masters double countout. Triple H's Dog Tail was one for the ages.
Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
INCREDIBLE BENEFITS! Over 50 full-length audio updates per month (iPod compatible)... New weekly award-winning Pro Wrestling Torch Newsletter (text and printable pdf versions) with latest exclusive insider news, new Torch Talks, great columns, Keller's cover story, much more... Hundreds of full-length back issues of PWTorch Newsletter from late-'80s to today... Ad-free access to PWTorch.com's Main Listing... VIP Forum with interaction with other subscribers and Torch staff... Torch Talk Library with text and audio of hundreds of interview installments from last 20 years... Great layout... Deepest archives on pro wrestling history anywhere... Keller's PWTorch Today PDF Bulletins with email alerts... VIP Email reports on major PPVs and TV shows... Staff Roundtable Reviews (text and audio) followiing major events... The best staff of writers and world class reporting since 1987... We'd love for you to join us and experience the most entertaining, authoritative, experienced staff of professional reporters and commentators in the business...
Compare the value of four or five months of PWTorch VIP content to the price of just one PPV. Can you cut 25 cents a day from your budget to make room for PWTorch VIP?
AND NEW FOR 2009! Monthly "Vintage Audio Torch Talks." We are releasing for the first time ever audio versions of our text Torch Talk updates, the historical first series of insider interviews ever. Wade Keller's newsmaking in-depth interviews with wrestling's biggest names are now being made available exclusively to VIP members. But you must be a member each month, as these are not archived, so they are replaced with a new one each month! This debuted in January 2009 with a 68 minute interview with the late "British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith. Who's next? Hulk Hogan? Eric Bischoff? The Rock? Goldberg? Jeff Hardy?
