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MOJO MITCHELL'S 7/13 RAW STREAM: What Happens When A Thirty-Five Year-Old Fifteen Year-Old Quasi-Movie Star Plays WWE Superstar
Jul 14, 2009 - 12:22:53 AM |
By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch senior columnist
Some poor girl put her phone number on a sign. She wants John Cena to call her, but I've got a feeling she's going to hear from a lot more than just him.
Triple H is out. Wow, did you see him on the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine? Boy, was he jacked! He's going to catch us up to speed on what's been going on. Brock Lesnar beat Frank Mir in the biggest wrestling show in who knows when Saturday night. Triple H used to beat Lesnar all the time back in the day, so he's leaving WWE to go to UFC and get the one world title he has never won.
No, no, no, that's ridiculous.
Actually, he introduces the fifteen year-old Seth Green as the new Raw General Manager, who gets real music to come out to in the form of the over-played Guns and Roses' Welcome to The Jungle. He's jumping around in excitement at this opportunity to play wrestler. Like any good fifteen year-old boy, he books a Diva bikini tag match for later.
What a great sport that Triple H is. He does a job for Dakota Fanning on Green's animated Robot Chicken show. After the clip he tells the kiss-ass G.M. that Dakota and Randy Orton have something in common – neither has male genitalia.
Orton points out he has something Triple H doesn't – the WWE championship. Seth Green responds to Orton's bullying like any good fifteen year old, by booking himself to play wrestler with his heroes Triple H and John Cena against Legacy in the main event.
If Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase get Green to tag in, then cut off the ring, pull his arm behind his back, then slam him and drop elbows on him over and over again until that arm falls off I'll give this show a ten.
Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, & Mickie James wrestle Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes, and Miz Favorite Maryse in their bikinis. Everything stays glued in place.
Chris Jericho is the adul to to Green's fifteen year-old.
Primo calls out Carlito for a match. As you may recall, Carlito jumped Primo after the brothers lost the unified tag championship.
Miz appears, telling Primo that Carlito must have had something more important to do, like getting a cup of coffee, you know, burying Colons' angle. He's going to impress Miz Favorite Maryse by beating Primo. Carlito appears on the ramp. Primo is distracted, and he loses to Miz.
Bad Carlito kicks Primo's ribcage in, then spits an apple on him to add insult to injury.
Michael Cole tells it straight about Edge's injury.
Raw G.M. Seth Green books fellow kid Hornswoggle in a rematch against Chavo Guerrero, only this time Chavo has to wrestle with his arm behind his back. Shouldn't HS wrestle with one hand behind his back, seeing as how he beat a two-armed Chavo straight up, well, on his knees last week?
Big Show impresses Green with his Dr. Evil impression. (Dr. Evil was a character in the Austin Powers movies series of the mid-1990s.)
MVP faces Jack Swagger. They're playing up how Swagger gets on MVP for his prison record, even though MVP has cleaned up his act, and wants to teach kids how to make the most of a second chance. It's the type of angle that really does work for a PG 13 ethos.
Chris Jericho notes the irony that Edge, like Achilles of Greek mythology a great warrior, injured his Achilles tendon and is out. Edge is injury-prone and weak, and Jericho had the foresight to have put in his contract that he can choose another partner, a truthful honest and just man –unlike Edge – for his championship tag team. It's a great promo that dots all the booking "i"s while infuriating the fans.
Smiling Mark Henry, last seen as a babyface who cleanly beat the world champ Randy Orton, comes out to ask the crowd if they think he and Jericho would be a good team. Alas, he's not out there to team with Jericho, but to be his opponent. He rips Jericho's suit off and then beats him by count-out, so he's still a good guy. At least one guy is benefiting from Pretty Ricky.
Hornswoggle faces Chavo Guerrero, who has one arm behind his back because last week's match wasn't bad enough. I'll give HS this, he's working hard. He wins with a small package.
Orton is proud of Ted DiBiase for slapping his dad last week. Cody Rhodes says he heard a rumor that the American Dream Dusty Rhodes will be the booker next week. Uh oh, don't do it Vince, the Dream will have Legacy running in for a Chorus Line of Bionic Elbows by the end of the night and your world champ will look like a punk to make his fat ass.
All right, I need to take a deep breath now.
Evan Bourne goes to Mismatch Style-Clash Hell with the Big Show. US Champ Kofi Kingston is at the announce table. He's going to MMSCH with BS on Thursday night too.
Big Show makes Bourne submit to his choke hold, and Kingston runs in to break it up.
Santino Morella plays with his wrestling dolls, and works in the obligatory stale "humble" joke for his Iron Sheik figure.
John Cena calms down the nervous Green kid by threatening to beat him up, but he was only joshing. Triple H tells him to stick close by. It's more important for Cena and Triple H to play with the little celebrity than focus on the wrestlers they hate
It ain't Dusty next week. Well, it is. It's Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top. Those two go back to the glory days of Mid South Wrestling. (What, you thought Vince McMahon invented celebrities in sports entertainment?) Maybe they'll bring Cowboy Bill Watts with them.
Legacy faces John Cena, Triple H & play-wrestler Seth Green. The crowd enjoys this. Cena hold Rhodes so Green can punch him. Triple H sets up Green for a two count on
the world champion. WWE is all about putting smiles on fans' faces.
Finally, Randy Orton is alone in the ring with the fifteen year-old Green. Orton stalks him and is about to punt the kid's head in when Cena makes the save. Triple H returns with a sledgehammer to clear the ring, but he accidentally whacks Cena with the hammer.
See what happens you play with dad's tools in the house?
It's a little tense for a moment, but luckily the way-over Seth Green makes peace between his two buddies. Welcome to WWE PG.
Score: 6.5
WWE put on their most PG 13 show yet, with the thirty-five year old Seth Green playing the fifteen year-old Seth Green playing wrestler the whole night. It looked like the kids and girls in the audience loved it, and he was the most popular character of the night. If enough of them watch (and buy) to make up for the fans they lost this weekend (or sometime back) to UFC, well, it worked.
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