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MOJO MITCHELL'S WWE RAW 1/26: Stream of Pre-Existing Conditions, Oscar Contenders, Elimination Chamber Contenders, KKKs, Repercussions, and Shane McMahon Beats Up Raw
Jan 27, 2009 - 1:12:57 PM
I love the "Big Bang Theory" but that "How I Met Your Mother" is just insufferable.
We start with them putting over the McMahon Family angle over big (and Randy Orton, too.)
Lillian Garcia welcomes the winner of the Royal Rumble, Randy Orton. He's flanked by Legacy and what looks like some lawyer types behind him. He's going to be reprimanded in some form or fashion. Mr. McMahon has a concussion and maybe some sort of neck injury. (Neck injury? He's not under indictment.)
Oh wait, the suits are Randy Orton's lawyers and therapist. If he reveals he's got multiple personalities and starts talking like Linda Blair (See Linda Blair was in "The Exorcist" and... ah, screw it), but no, it's Intermittent Explosive Disorder - when he's provoked, he explodes in violence. Stephanie slapped him and Vince threatened his job. That's provocation. They knew he had it and they did nothing about it.
See, he's the victim. He'll sue if they fire him. Not only that, he'll sue for breach of contract if he doesn't get what he is legally contracted for, Raven and Kanyon will walk out with him.
He reads an apology from a piece of paper.
Hilarious and well-thought reason as to why Randy Orton doesn't get fired. I wonder who had a pre-existing condition that WWE has to pay for and it's so not fair?
Miz & Morrison put their tag belts up against Cryme Tyme. They retain. Michael Cole calls it "an impressive victory." Aren't they all?
The next pay-per-view, No Way Out, features the Elimination Chamber gimmick. Both heavyweight titles will be defended there. Ugh, another couple of multi-person title matches where the champ can lose without losing.
Uh, if JBL's employee Shawn Michaels can fight champ John Cena gain to get JBL a spot in the Elimination Chamber title match, why can't he just wrestle for JBL and win the title for him?
Nah, that would be ridiculous,
Kane wrestles Kofi Kingston in the All K match-up to get in the Elimination Chamber. Kofi wins on a surprise roll-up. He doesn't even get destroyed after the match, either. Good deal.
Chris Jericho gives "The Wrestler" a thumbs down. WWEW cleverly edits the footage of Rourke so it puts over the business in a "we're about making people smile" way. Clearly Ric Flair will be returning to WWE to direct traffic for this match.
The last thing you or Ric Flair would want to do is offend Chris Jericho.
Shawn Michaels explains he superkicked JBL to get Cena to lower his guard. JBL rightfully tells Michaels he assumed he got the job done, and he better win tonight so JBL can be in the Chamber.
Big ol' WrestleMania piece that puts over the genius of Vince McMahon…
Shawn Michaels faces John Cena. Why isn't this a title match for Michaels? He won their last match. Couldn't he then give the title to his boss? Hell, he can get him in the Chamber by winning, so why not? Cena is the clear favorite of the fans.
A really good match takes a turn when JBL demands Michaels superkick Cena, but Michaels want to go to the top rope to drop and elbow first. JBL goes on the apron, Cena shoves him into Michaels, Michaels falls off the top rope into Cena's Whatever for the pin. JBL gulps. He's out of the Chamber.
JBL stands over Michaels, but WWE pulls a TNA, cutting too fast to yet another recap of the Orton-McMahon Family angle.
Stephanie vows there will be action against Orton tonight, then stares for a beat or two.
New Women's champ Melina & Kelly Kelly face Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall. Santino doesn't recognize Jim Ross without his hat. Lawler rolls his eyes. Marella's new Rumble expulsion record is 1.9 seconds. Marella "wasn't ready." The intern Rosa Mendes knocks Melina off the apron and Phoenix makes Kelly submit.
Rey Mysterio tries to qualify for the EC match by facing William Regal, the best three-minute worker in the business. Mysterio wins.
Rosa Mendes chews up the scenery, telling Santino why she interfered in Phoenix's match. Beth Phoenix tells Santino they can keep her.
Isn't that the same John Cena movie as last time?
C.M. Punk faces Chris Jericho for the EC Chamber spot. Jerry Lawler makes the Andy Kaufman/Mickey Rourke comparison. I bet they don't make the Mr. T/Mickey Rourke comparison. Jericho wins with the Codebreaker.
It's John Cena defending against Jericho, Kofi Kingston, and Rey Mysterio in the EC. That can't be right. Oh wait, there are two more spots.
Stephanie McMahon comes to the ring to tell Randy Orton the repercussions. She's not going to back down. She tells Orton to come out and find out what she thinks.
Randy Orton and Legacy and the lawyers and the therapist head to the ring.
Orton asked her if she wants to go through with firing.
Stephanie: I've got two words for you: Jerry McDevitt.
Orton: Look, I'm sorry...
Stephanie stands up to them all. This isn't so good. Even when Orton threatens to shut down Wrestlemania and the entire company.
The whole locker room that are not top stars, except Chris Jericho, stare down Orton from the stage. He's not intimidated. "Fire me!"
Stephanie isn't intimidated. "Firing you would be too easy." Ah, the key line.
Shane McMahon walks with a purpose to the ring. Either he wants to fight Orton, or he's about to cry. He comes to the ring. He's not intimidated. He jumps Orton. Legacy can't keep him off.
His punches suck. He keeps coming, though. A beaten Legacy drags Orton away. Shane jumps them on the ramp, but the Raw roster pulls Shane off Orton. He beats them up too.
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