MITCHELL'S TAKE
VIP - MOJO MITCHELL'S WWE RAW 3/17: Stream of Little Guys Bump For Big Guys, Two Old Fools, Triple H Can Book, and Big Show Can Box With One Hand
Mar 17, 2008 - 11:32:28 PM |
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By Bruce Mitchell, Torch columnist
Special free-view of the usual VIP Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of Consciousness commentary...
"Uh, Vince, look, about this thing Hunter booked for tonight - me and that idiot facing the whole Raw roster - frankly one or both of us could get hurt, and then where's your WrestleMania main event?"
"That f**** Hunter…yeah, I'll call it off."
We start with Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel. He introduces his shiny, sexy guest - his new IC belt. Okay, he's annoying in that "Rock Star In The Bar Band" style again, but at least this time he's supposed to be a heel (I think).
He intros Big Show, his real guest. They show several replays of Show tossing Floyd Mayweather out of the ring last week. Well, if SportsCenter won't show it, might as well.
A relaxed Big Show details how no one likes Mayweather, and avers that Jericho is 60 pound bigger than Mayweather and could beat him, but Jericho couldn't last two minutes with Show.
Quick "Jericho, Jericho" chant. Jericho heels up, says he beat Rock and Austin for the Unified title in one night, and no one likes Show either…
Show wants a match tonight with Jericho for the IC Title. He makes fun of Jericho's hairdo and singing (yeah B.S. turned babyface last week alright). Jericho accepts and gets the screams; what, with last week's news, he's moved to number two on the girlie charts.
Jowls wagging, Mr. McMahon overacts even for him about his big week, what with the Hollywood Walk of Fame, his big squat of 700 pounds, Larry King, three grandkids, St Paddy's Day, and… what can top all that? How about Vincent Kennedy McMahon retiring Ric Flair in a street fight?
Well, that was inevitable. Dollars to doughnuts that pussy doesn't allow Flair a rebuttal.
C.M. Punk faces Carlito in the "Hit On My Girlfriend And Get a Push" match. Some near falls that wake up the fans a little… Punk wins with the Go To Sleep. He points to WrestleMania sign over Carlito's prone body.
Snoop Dog is coming to WrestleMania. Santino Morella wrote his promo. "I don't think so, fool."
Raw GM William Regal sends out the WrestleMania Raw Representative Umaga to squash Paul London & Brian Kendrick. Don't worry, boys, this is how Jeff Hardy got back over.
What's this? A sensible Kendrick leaves London to take the Samoan Spike.
Triple H leans in on Regal backstage. The Cerebral Assassin explains that while Kendrick walked off, if John Cena walks off in tonight's match with Randy Orton against the also-rans, I mean the whole Raw roster, he's out of WrestleMania altogether. If Orton walks off, he's stripped of the title and Cena and Helmsley will wrestle for the title at 'Mania. This was smart booking, using a mid-card match to answer logical questions about the main event stipulations.
A Mr. McMahon Hollywood Walk of Fame video airs.
A manic Ric Flair tells a silent, concerned Shawn Michaels not to interfere in his match with Mr. McMahon tonight. Flair was almost rolling his eyes with this one. He does quote Mr. McMahon's catch phrase about "No Chance in Hell."
Too bad he has none of his own.
JBL comes out in his long white limo. He wrestles the second toughest Irishman in the company (ahead of Vince and Shane) - Colin Delaney. (A distraught Finlay grieves over his dead child, then promises JBL a beating "you can't put into words." You can't? Try these words - "three and a half star match." JBL wins with the Clothesline From Hell.
Colin Delaney - what wrestling will look like if some of you people have your way.
"Irish Need Not Apply." A racist reference from two centuries ago - instead of JBL's usual 30 years... Cute.
Ric Flair puts his career on the line against Mr. McMahon in a Street Fight Match. This can't be what Vince has training for these past months. Maybe it's his consolation prize with the change in the Hornswoggle angle. In case you're wondering, McMahon comes out last. Flair beats down McMahon, who covers up. Flair throws him on the announce table and beats him down again.
Flair's beating up McMahon. That's a little concerning.
McMahon reverses Flair into the ringpost. Here we go.
McMahon hits him in the head with the monitor. Flair juices for the boss. McMahon throws him back into the ring and gets a near fall.
McMahon grabs one of the stupid shiny trashcans and busts an unprotected Flair in the head. McMahon gets a kendo stick and whacks him hard with it a couple of times. Another near fall.
He gets a steel chair. Unprotected shot to the head. Asshole. Fool.
McMahon pins Flair, but Banana Peel Shawn Michaels pulls the ref out of the ring by the leg just as he is counting three (my least favorite spot in modern wrestling; just keep counting, idiot.) Now you know who should have won.
McMahon gets a table and places it in the near corner of the ring. Flair gives him the obligatory low blow, then climbs to the top rope for a Ricky Steamboat dive that puts McMahon through the table for the three count.
"This match was pretty much all Mr. McMahon" - Jerry Lawler.
Jared from Subway gives Lawler a subway sandwich. Lawler asks him how he really lost all that weight. Okay, no he doesn't. Jared reminds me of someone, but I quite can't put my finger on whom.
Maria and Candace Michelle face Jillian Hall & Victoria. Santino Morella comes out to do some commentary. He doesn't trust Lawler for one second and thinks he looks "a little chunky today." Michelle pins Jillian Hall. Morella throws Lawler's soda in his face and steals his Subway sandwich, so I guess gets the final jewel on his career crown and gets to wrestle at WrestleMania for the first time.
The next HOF inductee will be announced on ECW tomorrow night. Either WWE is finally taking that ECW-Impact ratings war seriously or Vince McMahon doesn't want the name "Gordon Solie" said on his flagship show.
Chris Jericho faces Big Show for the IC Title. This isn't bad, but it doesn't have the heat it should - maybe because both are babyfaces. Jericho bumps around for Show, then whacks him with the IC belt for the DQ.
The key spot is Show knocks out Jericho with a stiff shot from his 15-inch hand after the match. Jericho definitely took one for the team there.
Kim Kardashian tells Big Dick Johnson he's off Wrestlemania. What an actress.
John Cena tells Randy Orton they're going to fight. A sensible Orton tells Cena they should just take a dive. Since Orton's the champ, he tells Cena to do the job.
Cena won't do it.
Actually, no one in pro wrestling should ever mention taking dives; it reminds everyone exactly what they're watching. Triple H then tells him they have to beat every single guy on the roster or go until they can't go anymore…
As long as they're through by 11:07 EST.
"Just want you to know, I'm rooting for you." Funny line.
John Cena & Randy Orton face the Mid-Card. Morella does the first job. Murdoch next, then Cade. Umaga kills both our heroes as we go to the break. I guess he and JBL will be protected. This looks ridiculous. I'm sure the Mid-Card is comforted to see just how their future boss gauges their career prospects. I'm too lazy to list the rest of this ridiculous job-a-thon, but the girls sure love it.
Finally, everyone just runs in for the 11:03 EST DQ. Orton grabs a chair and lays out anyone who knows enough to put his hands up. JBL shows he's no mid-carder by helping Umaga knock out our two heroes. He then accidentally whacks Umaga with a chair, aiming for Cena. Umaga chases him away.
Triple H walks down deliberately and Pedigrees both guys. He's our real hero.
Final Thoughts (7.0): There were way too many chairshots tonight. Some people need to wake the f--- up. Times have changed. The booking kept everything focused on WrestleMania, and most of it made sense. The main event was something of a farce, though.
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