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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment creative team. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what this show will look like after Mr. McMahon changes everything tomorrow afternoon. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a gift certificate from the world famous Spiegel catalog. It's the ideal resource for the woman who knows that Spiegel means style. Spiegel, Chicago, Illinois, 60609. Remember, this is only an exhibition. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.
Take three classic Survivor Series elimination matches and three huge grudge matches, and you end up with a Survivor Series. This year's hook is that both major championship matches are done under Triple Threat rules. More on that in a moment.
For our monthly history lesson, we take you back to 1995, the first time the World Wrestling Federation came to the Washington D.C. area. One of the midcard bouts saw The Undertaker lead his team into a traditional eight-man Survivor Series elimination bout against a team captained by Jerry Lawler. Check out some of the wacky wrestlers in this match. Commentary is provided by Vince McMahon, Jim Ross and the late Curt Hennig.
For those of you not interested in 1995, here's the Madison Square Garden video from Monday's episode of Raw.
Jim Ross is still sidelined, which means we might have another visit with the three man booth of Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Matt Striker. Remember, "Crazy" Vince McMahon is so enamored with his current crop of announcers that both Sean Mooney and Kris Kloss were brought in for auditions. At this point, you might as well check in with Kevin Kelly and see what Marc Loyd has been up to. On with the projections!
Mickie James, Melina Perez, Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres & Gail Kim vs. Michelle McCool, Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall, Alicia Fox & Layla El (Survivor Series Elimination Match): Mickie James wants to leave the WWE piranha tank and go on to enjoy a prosperous long-term career. How dare she. That's why humiliating Mickie has become a priority for the WWE creative department. Projection? McCool pins Eve Torres. Gail Kim pins Layla El. Beth Phoenix pins Gail Kim. Alicia Fox pins Kelly Kelly. Mickie James pins Jillian Hall. Michelle McCool makes Mickie James tap out. Melina pins Alicia Fox. Beth and Michelle destroy Melina and are the sole survivors.
Rey Mysterio vs. Dave Batista: It's time for Rey Mysterio to get his payback on former friend Dave Batista. Oh, wait. Except for the fact that Mysterio's injured and is going to need time off. Projection? Mysterio dominates the early portion of the match, then gets a Batista Bomb so Dave can take the fall. Then a couple more Batista Bombs for the road. Hopefully, Mysterio will return from injury rehab before someone else on Smackdown tears a tricep.
John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Evan Bourne, Shelton Benjamin & Dave Finlay vs. Mike Mizanin, Drew McIntyre, Sheamus Farrelly, Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger (Survivor Series Elimination Match): Boy, this match sure demonstartes what a great job WWE is doing of making new stars, doesn't it? Projection? Finlay and Sheamus brawl to a double countout. Miz pins Evan Bourne. Morrison pins Ziggler (again). Shelton Benjamin pins Swagger. Drew McIntyre pins Shelton Benjamin. Matt Hardy pins Drew McIntyre. Miz pins Matt Hardy. Morrison finishes off Mizanin with the Starship Pain and gets his win back from four weeks ago.
Kofi Kingston, Montel V. Porter, Mark Henry, Christian Cage and R-Truth vs. Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, C.M. Punk & William Regal (Survivor Series Elimination Match): The Kofi Kingston-Randy Orton feud is the hottest thing going on Raw right now, and it's time to keep fueling that while moving on to the next phase of this feud. Projection? Mark Henry pins Cody Rhodes. Randy Orton pins Mark Henry. Christian pins C.M. Punk. William Regal pins R-Truth. Regal gets disqualified when the Ruthless Roundtable interferes and roughs up Christian. Ted DiBiase pins Christian. Randy Orton pins MVP. Kofi Kingston pins Orton after DiBiase's interference backfires. DiBiase beats Kingston with Dream Street to become the sole survivor.
The Undertaker vs. Big Show vs. Chris Jericho (Smackdown World Title - Triple Threat Match): As part of this feud, WWE is teasing dissension between Chris Jericho and Big Show for the second straight month. Last month, it was a ruse. One would hope they wouldn't repeat the storyline. Projection? Jericho and Big Show have Undertaker beaten down, but can't agree on who's going to score the fall. Edge makes a surprise return and spears Jericho, enabling Undertaker to catch the surprised Show with the Hell's Gate for the submission victory.
John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H (WWE Heavyweight Title - Triple Threat Match): We have not seen this particular three-way bout before. However, we have seen plenty of Hunter vs. Michaels, Cena vs. Hunter and Michaels vs. Cena, so the current WWE dynamic does seem a bit familiar. Projection? Expect a run-in from Hornswoggle early in the match and the usual ringside brawling and furniture destruction. Hunter has Cena set up for the Pedigree, but Michaels superkicks Hunter to save his title shot. Michaels goes for a second superkick, but misses, allowing Cena to roll him up for the fall.
After the match, Kimbo Slice runs in and lays out Cena. Kimbo brings the belt back to Shane McMahon, who is standing on the top of the ramp with a big smile on his face. (The preceding MMA fantasy booking is presented to you by MMATorch.com.)
Aftermath: Our next show is WWE's "T.L.C." pay-per-view. By WWE's latest set of pay-per-view rules, we are expecting three Tables, Ladders & Chairs matches. I nominate Christian vs. C.M. Punk, Undertaker vs. Batista and John Cena vs. The Big Show.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. Please don't tell anyone that he knows anything about mixed martial arts, so that he isn't drafted by our sister site. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
