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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment creative team. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what this show will look like after Mr. McMahon changes everything tomorrow afternoon. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.
The past few weeks have actually given me hope for the future of World Wrestling Entertainment. Not because the shows or the wrestlers or the storylines have been better. They haven't. But I figure the future couldn't be any worse. Sooner or later, the McMahon family will have to send Patriarch Vince off to the nut hutch. At that point, Stephanie McMahon Levesque becomes the new President of WWE. Let's face it, Stephanie will be much better at that job than she is as head of Creative.
With Stephanie bumped up the ladder, Triple H becomes the leading candidate to take over the WWE creative department. Hopefully, he'll have retired as a wrestler by then. I haven't always bee a big Triple H fan, but he sure knows a whole lot more about professional wrestling than the person he would be replacing. There is also a better likelihood of Stephanie listening to Hunter than there is of Vince McMahon listening to, well, anybody on his creative team. So take heart, wrestling fans. It will happen.
Tonight features Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Junior teaming up to fight Degeneration X. Our older readers will remember that their daddies, Dusty Rhodes and The Million Dollar Dream, feuded in the WWF in late 1990. Back in February 1998, Ted DiBiase and Dusty Rhodes wound up managing opposing teams in World Championship Wrestling. Here's what happened when the Steiner Brothers battled the Outsiders for the WCW World Tag Team Titles at SuperBrawl 1998:
If I were a lesser columnist, I would point out the redundancy of having a show called "Hell In A Cell" in Newark, New Jersey. Maybe it was too difficult to trademark the name "Newark In A Cell". On with the projections!
"R-Truth" Ron Killings vs. Drew McIntyre: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an undercard. On the other hand, I can't believe WWE found room for this match and no room for anything involving ECW. Projection? McIntyre gets welcomed to pay-per-view with a victory, as he finishes off R-Truth with the Ego Trip.
John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler (WWE Intercontinental Title Match): WWE supposedly needed the extra few weeks to build up the Morrison vs. Ziggler tilt. They spent that time trying to give Dolph the nickname of "Mister Ziggles." Nice work. Projection? Mr. Ziggles achieves his dream of capturing the Intercontinental belt by hitting the Zig Zag and pinning Morrison. That'll teach Morrison to start his own dirt sheet.
Chris Jericho & Big Show vs. Dave Batista & Rey Mysterio (WWE Tag Team Titles): Rey Mysterio's back from suspension and Dave Batista's back from, uh, wherever he was. Projection? Show knocks out Mysterio with the right hand and Jericho scores the pinfall. It's a little too soon to break up the tag team champs just yet.
Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mike Mizanin (WWE United States Title - Triple Threat Match): These three men have been battling for possession of the United States title. Meanwhile, Kingston's been slowly getting more over, to the point where WWE might give our favorite Jamiacan Ghanan an actual personality. Projection? Kofi gets the fall on Swagger with the Trouble In Paradise.
Shawn Michaels & Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase (Hell In A Cell Match): If you're still excited about two forty year olds trying to act hip, I've got two words for you. Projection? DiBiase pulls a Shawn Michaels and takes out the cameraman. The cell door is opened long enough for Big Show and Jericho to handcuff Michaels to the cage. DiBiase pins Triple H for the victory.
Randy Orton vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title - Hell in A Cell Match): I'm not sure about the idea that former WWE champion Randy Orton is afriad to be locked inside the cell with John Cena. I can safely predict that we will see some move that are "vintage John Cena" and "vintage Randy Orton". Projection? Orton puts in a great "fight or flight" performance and gets Cena busted open hardway before Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment to keep the championship.
Mickie James vs. Alicia Fox (WWE Divas Title Match): Alicia Fox pinned Mickie Jones in a six-woman tag team match a few weeks ago and earned a shot at the title. What a concept. Projection? There are some things fans shouldn't have to accept. Alicia Fox isn't quite ready to hold the champion. Mickie scores the fall with the Chick Kick.
C.M. Punk vs. The Undertaker (Smackdown World Title - Hell In A Cell Match): Thanks to Teddy Long, the Undertaker's Hell's Gate submission move is now legal. Plus, the most effective way to beat Undertaker in this type of match has been done before, and I think 'Taker would see Kane coming.Projection? Punk gets in a lot of offense, but can't put the Dead Man away. Punk kicks out of the Tombstone, but eventually ends up tapping to the Hell's Gate. Going fifty-fifty with The Undertaker in a lengthy Hell in A Cell match will do more for the guy than getting dominated before pulling out a screwjob victory.
Aftermath: Our next show is "Bragging Rights", which is a Raw versus Smackdown themed show. I think I like it. How about John Cena vs. C.M. Punk, Degeneration X vs. Jericho & Big Show, and Undertaker, Rey Mysterio & Batista teaming up to face Legacy in a six-man tag.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He is downloading "Black Gives Way To Blue" to his Zune, and hopes he doesn't regret the experience. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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