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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment creative team. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what this show will look like after Mr. McMahon changes everything tomorrow afternoon. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a set of Amelia Earhart luggage. Fashion and durability combined in our British tweed collection featuring richly coated interiors. Furnished by Amelia Earhart. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

Over the course of the past three weeks, former WWE champion Jeff Hardy has left the company, and been arrested for felony drug possession with the intent to sell or distribute. That is cop-speak for "We found so many drugs on this guy that there's NO WAY he was planning to use all of them himself." I'm not sure small-town police officers in North Carolina are familiar with the superhuman bodies of WWE, er, former WWE wrestlers.

This weekend, flush with the success of their themed "Night of the Champions" pay-per-view, WWE is test-driving the idea of a submission-themed event. The focus group has spoken, and "WWE Breaking Point" is the new named of the show, narrowly beating out "WWE Pancrase". As a result, we'll be treated to a rare "I Quit" match for the WWE Heavyweight Championship between Randy Orton and John Cena. For one of the most famous "I Quit" matches of the 20th Century, we take you back to Starrcade 1985:



If this reporter had to make a guess, it sure looks like WWE plans to solve its problem of having the same six guys on top every month by putting those same guys through twelve different stipulation matches per year. Brilliant! And now, on with the projections!

Kofi Kingston vs. Mike Mizanin (WWE United States Title): This is the latest attempt by WWE creative to "elevate" The Miz. But as we all know, Miz winning the belt here wouldn't elevate him as much as he would have been elevated by going toe-to-toe with John Cena. Projection? Kofi gets the fall with the Trouble In Paradise. If someone needs to be moved up the Raw ladder, Kingston's the better wrestler.

The Great Khali vs. Kane (Singapore Cane Match): One month later, I still like the idea of putting Khali vs. Kane matches in front of a green screen. Either that, or WWE Studios could pit Khali & Kane against King Kong & Godzilla. It's not too late. Projection? Runjin Singh turns on Khali and joins Kane. Khali doesn't care. Khali wallops Kane with the Kane, I mean Cane, and wins to put an end to this feud. What's the most important part of the match? The part where it ends this feud.

Christian vs. William Regal (ECW Developmental Heavyweight Title): Last month at SummerSlam, Christian defeated Regal in eight seconds. I have a bad feeling about this rematch. Projection? The referee has to chase Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov away from ringside, which gives Regal enough time to use his brass nucs on Christian and knock him out. We end up with a new ECW champion as Regal captures his first "world" title.

Chris Jericho & Big Show vs. Mark Henry & Montel V. Porter (WWE Tag Team Titles): If this feud's only been running for a few weeks, why does it already feel like we've seen these guys wrestle each other five times on Raw? Oh, wait. We did see them wrestle five times on Raw. Projection? Jericho catches Henry with the Codebreaker and Show scores the pinfall.

Shawn Michaels & Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase (Submissions Count Anywhere): WWE has spent the past few episodes of Raw adding some depth to Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. They've been exploring the dynamic among the three members of Legacy. But none of that matters. No sane WWE fan believes Triple H or Shawn Michaels is about to do a clean submission job. Projection? The two teams brawl around the building, outside the building and back inside, where Michaels forces Rhodes to tap out to the sharpshooter.

C.M. Punk vs. The Undertaker (Smackdown World Title - Submission Match): The irresistible force gets set to take on the immovable object. WWE clearly doesn't want the Dead Man to capture the World Title right away. But they're also not about to have Undertaker tap out in his return to pay-per-view. How to proceed? Projection? The Straight Edge Superstar needs a little help from his friends. Undertaker gets Punk in trouble and the Hart Dynasty run in. Hey, it's no disqualification. The ref gets bumped and Kane, Jericho & Big Show come out to fight Undertaker outside the ring. A fake Undertaker, who is stashed under the ring, rolls into the ring long enough to wake up the referee and taps out to Punk's Anaconda Vice. The referee's decision is final. Undertaker loses without losing.

(I know, I hate it too, but they have to wrestle in Hell in a Cell in three weeks. For storyline purpose, we need 'Taker to be good and pissed by the time that show comes around.)

Randy Orton vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title - I Quit Match): Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler have done a fine job of explaining that neither Cena nor Orton are going to say "I quit". That makes sense. So why have them say the words? Projection? If you need to come up with a great finish to a match, why not rip off a classic? Cena gets a piece of wood and goes after the eye. Orton refuses to say the words. But when referee Mike Chioda asks Orton if he wants to give up, Randy says "yes". We end the night with a new WWE Heavyweight Champion.

Aftermath: Our next show is Hell In A Cell, which will take place in three weeks. When they lower the big structure, WWE needs to have two Hell in the Cell matches set to go. Randy Orton angers John Cena by pointing out that he never said the words "I Quit". Undertaker wants revenge on C.M. Punk, and what better way than to force him into "the demonic structure"?

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. His Sunday nights are pretty much booked up through the end of the year.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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