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We’re in a crisis period in WWE and we need to build new guys. When Shawn Michaels came back to Raw, he said, “Who's been built since I left?” On Smackdown we’ve built [John] Morrison and [Dolph] Ziggler and Cryme Tyme. The Intercontinental title has been rebuilt now with Rey Mysterio. But I can’t tell you on Raw who has been built over the last six months. They better do it soon, because when this generation of performers is gone, who will replace them?
- Chris Jericho, Baltimore Sun interview, 8/20/09

It's about time there are different people in the main event for Summerslam. I've been seeing the same five people in the same matches for the past five years.
- Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, KBOS-FM interview, 8/20/09

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment braintrust. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what this show will look like after Mr. McMahon changes everything on Sunday afternoon. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a Good Humor Variety Pack. 30 classic tastes, one pack lets you enjoy Good Humor ice cream every day of the month, from Unilever Ice Cream. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

It's the biggest show of the summer! WWE SummerSlam 2009 will feature the culmination of the three top feuds in the promotion. As you see above, more and more people within World Wrestling Entertainment (people not related by blood or marriage to head writer Stephanie McMahon) are of the opinion that WWE needs to create some new main event stars. Or, you know, just one new main event star.

In fairness to WWE, one can understand why Ms. McMahon and her father would be reluctant to push the wrong guy into a top spot. You might end up with an ungrateful lunk like Brock Lesnar, or The Rock, or even a Jeff Hardy. You might end up with someone who places his own life, happiness and financial security above World Wrestling Entertainment. Even worse, you might end up pushing Matt Morgan.

For historical perspective, here is the hype for SummerSlam 1989, twenty years ago this month:



And now, on with the projections!

Montel V. Porter vs. Jack Swagger: Quick, explain in fifty words or less why MVP is feuding with Jack Swagger. You see? This job is tougher than it looks. The answer? A few weeks ago, MVP saved Evan Bourne from a postmatch beating by Swagger. Boy, it's a good thing that Swagger spent all that time on ECW in order to prove he could work 45 second matches on Raw. Projection? Montel grabs the victory with the Playmaker.

The Great Khali vs. Kane: You know, we've been seeing this feud off and on for a couple of years, and it's more difficult to keep this matchup fresh. It's time for the folks at WWE Studios to step in. All future Khali vs. Kane matches should happen in front of a green screen. Imagine Khali and Kane battling at the Egyptian pyramids, or in downtown Tokyo, or on Mars. It couldn't hurt. Projection? Khali scores the pin with the tree slam.

Christian vs. William Regal (ECW Developmental Heavyweight Title): The new lead heel stable on ECW is William Regal leading around two jacked-up fellows who are mediocre wrestlers at best. If you didn't know better, you'd think WWE was trying to rip off the British Invasion stable from TNA. (Rimshot.) Thank you! Don't forget to tip your waitress. Projection? Big Zeke and Kozlov try to interfere, but Tommy Dreamer and Tyler Reks make the save. Christian pins Regal with the Killswitch.

Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler (WWE Intercontinental Title): On the one hand, WWE really needs to elevate its young wrestlers by giving them wins over established big-name stars. On the other hand, it's friggin' Dolph Ziggler beating Rey Mysterio. Come on! Projection? Maria finally turns, tripping Mysterio so that Dolph can score the fall with the Ziggy-Zocky. We'll have a new Intercontinental Champion.

Chris Jericho & Big Show vs. Cryme Tyme (WWE Tag Team Titles): The good news is, WWE spent four weeks building up a tag team title match. The bad news is, Shaq isn't part of the match any more. Projection? Cryme Tyme dominates much of the match, until Big Show drops Shad Gaspard with a right hand and pins him.

Shawn Michaels & Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase: Hey, remember eleven or twelve years ago, when Vince McMahon and the WWF bookers sacrificed Bret Hart, The Road Warriors, Terry Funk and Cactus Jack in order to get D-Generation X over a bunch of stars? Time for a receipt. Projection? Michaels accidentally superkicks Hunter and DiBiase scores the pin. This would give the Legacy team something called "credibility", and might help build interest in the inevitable rematch between these two teams. Or you could bring back the Spirit Squad. Your choice.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title): This is the big one. Fans, we haven't seen a match of this magnitude at SummerSlam since, um, two years ago, when Cena wrestled Orton in the main event of SummerSlam 2007. But really, these two haven't squared off in the same match since, um, four weeks ago. You know what? I've got nothing. Projection? Orton pins Cena with the RKO after Cena is distracted by Rhodes and DiBiase.

C.M. Punk vs. Jeff Hardy (Smackdown World Title - Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match): Yes, everybody suspects that Matt Hardy is going to turn on his brother (again) and help C.M. Punk capture the Smackdown World Title. But right now, that particular storyline has run its course. Projection? Hardy takes a beating, but once again manages to grab the belt and ensure that folks leave happy. That sets the stage, in case Hardy needs to drop the title at the Smackdown tapings on Tuesday.

Aftermath: Our next show is Breaking Point, which will take place in three weeks. The main bouts are supposed to be submission matches. This would be great news if WWE had signed Frank Mir and Anderson Silva. Let's go with Randy Orton getting a rematch with "submission expert" John Cena, C.M. Punk vs. John Morrison, a DX vs. Legacy rematch, and the return of legendary mixed martial arts expert The Undertaker.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He can't believe Brett Farve is younger than Kurt Angle, and in better shape.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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