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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment braintrust. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what runs through the minds of crazy people and their daughters. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive Moisture Drops. Bring the sparkle back to your dry, irritated eyes. Quench them with the relief your eyes are thirsting for with Bausch & Lomb's Moisture Drops. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

It's the same rant as last month. WWE is headlining with Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Triple H, the same title match we all saw at WrestleMania 24. The rumor is that SummerSlam will feature Cena against The Game, which was the main event from WrestleMania 22. And, of course, Triple H vs. Randy Orton was the main event of WrestleMania 25. World Wrestling Entertainment: All About Creating Exciting New Stars and matchups.

Sunday night's show will be in Philadelphia. Unfortunately for me, I was watching parts of WrestleMania 15, which also took place in Philadelphia. I have a hunch the audience reaction for Night of Champions won't quite measure up to the fan enthusiasm from March 28, 1999. But don't take my word for it. Take a look at the pre-show match before WrestleMania 15. Try not to count the dead people, because it ruins the mood.



And now, on with the projections!

Maryse Oulette vs. Mickie James (WWE Divas Title): The great part about Night of Champions is that WWE now has two women's title belts, which means we'll see two women's matches on the same WWE pay-per-view for the first time since WrestleMania 22. Projection? Mickie James hits the Long Kiss Goodnight for the pin and add the Divas title to her list of accomplishments.

Chris Jericho & Some Guy vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase (WWE Tag Team Titles): Thanks to Edge's injury, this projection is a two-parter. While it's difficult to predict exactly what the McMahons will do, one would expect WWE to find a new opponent for Y2J for the coming months. Projection? Jericho selects Evan Bourne as his tag team partner. The match ends with DiBiase pinning Bourne with the Dream Street. Jericho blames Bourne for the loss and turns on Bourne after the match.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Christian (ECW Developmental Heavyweight Title): Tommy Dreamer is having the time of his life, as he approaches two months holding the ECW Championship. Projection? Since we're in Philadelphia, poor Tommy has to lose the strap. Christian wins with the Killswitch to further the feud.

Michelle McCool vs. Melina Perez (WWE Women's Title): It's sort of difficult to tell who the babyface is in this feud if you go by the interaction between the two ladies on this week's Smackdown. Projection? Alicia provides the outside interference and Michelle keeps the championship.

Kofi Kingston vs. Big Show vs. Carlito Colon vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mike Mizanin vs. Montel V. Porter (WWE United States Title): A six-way match for the U.S. title? Why not a battle royal? Projection? Primo Colon runs in and kicks Carlito in the head, making him easy prey for the Trouble in Paradise from Kingston. The four wrestlers are brawling on the outside, and Kingston keeps the championship. By the way, it was a pleasant surprise to see Kingston featured on WWE's SummerSlam commercial.

Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler (WWE Intercontinental Title): The main intrigue in this feud is how well Maria can perform as the Miss Elizabeth of her generation. It's unlikely that Ziggler will be able to measure up to Randy Savage in the wrestling department. Projection? Despite Ziggler's best efforts in using Maria as a human shield, Rey grabs a victory with the West Coast Pop.

C.M. Punk vs. Jeff Hardy (Smackdown World Title): C.M. Punk's "straight edge" promo on Smackdown was very well done, and drew a top of heat from the hometown crowd here in Central Virginia. However, I'm not sure how the WWE Parents website will be able to spin it when asked why they should boo C.M. Punk. Projection? Punk hits a low blow behind the referee's back and rolls up Hardy for the win.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Triple H (WWE Heavyweight Title - Triple Threat Match): Here we go again. WWE has taken their two top young wrestlers (Cena and Orton) and already have given us so many iterations of that match that a lot of WWE fans never want to see them in the same ring again. Projection? Hunter pedigrees Cena. Orton sends Triple H out of the ring with a soccer king, and pins Cena himself to retain the championship. Cena and Hunter mix it up after the match.

Aftermath: Our next show is WWE SummerSlam 2009. Let's go with Randy Orton vs. the returning Shawn Michaels, Cena vs. Triple H, Punk vs. John Morrison and Mysterio & Bourne teaming against Jericho & Ziggler.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He thinks TNA should rip off Raw by having a celebrity "guest booker" every week until the current backstage crisis is resolved.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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