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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Jeff Jarrett, Vince Russo or other members of TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica. This thirty-one volume set is the ultimate gift for those who cherish knowledge and tradition, and perfect for those who demand the best for themselves and their families. Encyclopedia Britannica. And remember, four whammies brings tears to your eyes and puts you out of the game. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

It's been a busy week in Total Nonstop Action. It all started when the legendary Bubba the Love Sponge repeated the rumor that the former Karen Angle has set up house with a certain King of the Mountain. There's also word from sources in the know that last month's TNA Slammiversary show drew the company's lowest buyrate since the Nashville group went to Sunday night pay-per-views. It's possible that more people saw Slammiversary live in Auburn Hills than ordered the show.

But there's good news. TNA Impact on Thursday night was a much better show than usual. Former ECW champion Bobby Lashley has signed with TNA. Sure, Lashley had a tough go of it in WWE, but it's not as if Big Bobby will encounter the sort of old-school, quasi-racist mentality that he had to deal with when he was in Stamford. Right? Well, on with the matches:

Christopher Daniels vs. Matt Morgan: For the love of God, why? Projection? Daniels scores the win with the Best Moonsault Ever.

Abyss vs. Doctor Stevie: The feud between the Monster Abyss and Dr. Stevie's Physicians Care Practice of Orlando continues. I'm told Dr. Stevie kidnapped Lauren the interview gal on Impact at one point, but I don't see how that's possible, since no one associated with TNA creative would ever sign off on such a stupid and exploitative storyline. Projection? Doctor Stevie scores the fall with an assist from whoever Stevie's working with this month. In fact, let's have the Motor City Machine Guns hel;p Stevie, so they can get on the show.

Sharmell Huffman vs. Jenna Morasca: The feud between Booker T's queen and Kevin Nash's financial backer comes down to this. It will be Jenna Morasca's first match in TNA. The only conclusion one can draw here in that someone in TNA management really, really wants to see Jenna Morasca wrestle a chick. Projection? Sharmell pins Jenna in a short match. Jenna calls Awesome Kong out to beat up Sharmell, but Kong beats up both Mafia women instead.

Team 3-D vs. British Invasion (w/ Rob Terry) (New Japan Tag Team Championship): This columnist does not spend a lot of his time focusing on the New Japan product. However, I can't think of any team as bad as the British Invasion ever holding the prestigious IWGP Tag Team straps. (Actually, I can, but why piss off Scott Norton when you don't have to?) Projection? Brutus Magnus eats a Deadly Death Drop, and Bubba and D-Von take the belts back to Tokyo for the next set of New Japan shows.

Tara vs. Angelina Love (TNA Knockout Title) : Tara has the TNA Knockouts Title, and Tara has a tarantula. On those facts alone, I don't like Angelina's chances. Projection? Tara hits the Widow's Peak and beats Angelina one more time.

James Storm & Robert Roode vs. Booker T & Scott Steiner (TNA World Tag Team Title Match): Roode and Storm have been headlining a number of TNA house shows as babyface tag team champions. Granted, house show attendance hasn't improved, but you have to start somewhere. Projection? Steiner takes the beer spray to the face and gets rolled up by Storm. Beer Money gets to hold on to the belts for more than a month.

A.J. Styles vs. Kevin Nash (TNA Legends Title): The nice way of previewing this match is to state that Styles is going to create movement, while Nash uses his sharp wrestling mind to compensate for his middle-aged knees. For the record, I'm sure Styles could hit the Styles Clash on the Silver Fox. I'm not sure it would be the best idea. Projection? Styles with the Spiral Tap for the victory. I will award bonus points to this match if Walt Frazier comes to ringside and announce that Nash's gray hair has put him in a rocking chair.

Sting vs. Samoa Joe: Samoa Joe turned heel last month at Slammiversary, making for the 3,671st time in wrestling history that someone has turned heel on the Stinger. At this point, the storyline practically writes itself. Projection? Taz interferes and hits Stinger with a pipe, allowing Joe to score the victory. Jeff Jarrett saves Stinger from a postmatch beatdown.

Kurt Angle vs. Mick Foley (TNA World Heavyweight Title): Foley turned babyface suddenly when Total Nonstop Action realized how weak the babyface side of the roster looked. Unless you're Vince Russo, in which Foley's turn was part of a long-term booking plan and we're all too stupid to figure it out. Projection? The two top guys in TNA brawl all around the building and back to the ring, where Kurt scores the fall with an Olympic Slam. After the match, Bobby Lashley makes an entrance and does the "I want the belt" motion to a surprised Angle.

Aftermath: Next month is Hard Justice. We'll see Jeff Jarrett take on Eric Young in a Fans' Revenge Lumberjack Match. Lashley will get a shot at Kurt Angle's title, and Mick Foley will team up with Sting to wrestle Samoa Joe and Taz.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He is very, very excited about the return of professional football. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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