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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the World Wrestling Entertainment braintrust. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in the WWE, except for Mr. McMahon walking around without dilated pupils. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a Black & Decker SmartBrew® coffee maker. The SmartBrew® has a Perfect Pour® Carafe with a dripless spout and ergonomic handle. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.
Over the past few months, World Wrestling Entertainment has changed the names of some of its monthly pay-per-view events. One Night Stand is gone. The Great American Bash is now The Bash. Unforgiven, No Mercy and Cyber Sunday are also receiving new titles. You see, WWE management looked over the records and decided the recent buyrate troubles aren't due to the poor economy, the ongoing problem of piracy and live online streaming, or the fact that we're about to see Triple H and Randy Orton on opposite sides of a pay-per-view match for the SIXTEENTH time in the past five years. No, sir. It's the show names.
Actually, you can see their point. When I think of The Great American Bash, I think of Ric Flair and Terry Funk brawling at ringside in the Baltimore Arena. When I think of Unforgiven, I think of Vince McMahon getting waffled by a Steve Austin chairshot. When I think of No Mercy, I think of Matt and Jeff Hardy jumping between ladders to beat Edge and Christian for the bag of money. It might not be a bad idea to put those memories in the distance.
Meanwhile, the race is on to see who can break Ric Flair's record of sixteen World Heavyweight Titles. Triple H has won and lost thirteen World Heavyweight Titles, but he is being pushed by Kurt Angle, who just captured his eleventh World Heavyweight Title at Slammiversary to go with his two Olympic gold medals. Stay tuned for further developments as the saga unfolds.
Carlito Colon & Primo Colon vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase (WWE Tag Team Titles): The Colon boys have had trouble with the former champs ever since re-unifying the tag team titles. Rhodes and DiBiase already have a non-title win and Cody's singles victory over Primo Colon on Monday. Projection? Little Teddy takes out Carlito with a belt shot, and Legacy ends up capturing the tag team titles.
John Cena vs. Mike Mizanin: After weeks of calling out the Doctor of Thugonomics, The Miz will finally get to wrestle Cena on pay-per-view. It's too bad WWE has made it clear that Mizanin has no show of winning a fair fight. Projection? Miz actually gets in some offense before Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment for the victory.
The Great Khali vs. Dolph Ziggler (No Disqualification Match): I am so glad this feud made its way to pay-per-view. Dolph is 2-1 against the Punjabi Monster on television. Projection? This is Dolph's first match on pay-per-view, and I doubt it ends with him beating the seven footer. Khali scores the pin with a chop to the head.
Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho (WWE Intercontinental Title - Title versus Mask): From all indications, the Mysterio vs. Jericho feud is just getting warmed up. Which means that there's plenty of time to unmask Mister 6-1-9. Projection? Jericho unmasks Rey, but Mysterio pulls a Mil Mascaras and has a second mask on underneath. Rey pins a shocked Jericho to regain the Intercontinental Title.
Melina vs. Michelle McCool (WWE Women's Title): They're really turning this into a pay-per-view match? How about that? Projection? Melina scores the fall after Michelle collides with Alicia Fox on the apron.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Christian vs. Fit Finlay vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry (WWE ECW Heavyweight Title - Championship Scramble Match with Toast and Hash Browns on the side): While I still like the idea of Dreamer as ECW general manager, there are people in the front office who like Tiffany Terrell more. Dreamer's run with the ECW title is at three weeks and counting. Projection? The title goes from Dreamer to Henry to Finlay to Christian to Dreamer to Jack Swagger, who leaves Sacramento as ECW champion.
Randy Orton vs. Triple H (WWE Heavyweight Title - Three Stages of Hell Match): What's better than watching another Randy Orton vs. Triple H match? Watching THREE Randy Orton vs. Triple H matches on the same show, and paying for the privilege. Projection? Triple H wins the straight wrestling match. Randy Orton wins the Falls Count Anywhere match, and Legacy interferes to help Orton win the stretcher match. Orton keeps the belt, two falls to one.
C.M. Punk vs. Jeff Hardy (Smackdown World Title): Believe it or not, C.M. Punk's unofficial non-turn heel turn worked out pretty well, with WWE fans buying the straight edge star as a tattooed Eddie Haskell. The Punk vs. Hardy buildup has generated more real heat than anything we've seen on Smackdown for a while. Projection? Jeff starts to go for the Twist of Fate, but Punk thumbs Jeff in the eye and wins with a rollup. Yes, sir, I like it.
Aftermath: Our next show is "WWE Night of Champions" (at least for the moment). Let's go with Randy Orton vs. John Cena, Rhodes and DiBiase defending the tag belts against Triple H and a returning Shawn Michaels and C.M. Punk defending the Smackdown title against Jeff Hardy and Edge in a Triple Threat match.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's stuck in the middle, and the pain is thunder. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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