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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Jeff Jarrett, Vince Russo or other members of TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of La Choy brand beef chow mein. La Choy makes Chinese food swing American. Any rebroadcast or other use of this column without the express written consent of Pro Wrestling Torch, Wade Keller or Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

This is the seventh anniversary of Total Nonstop Action wrestling. My next newsletter column will dwell on some of the positive aspects of this promotion. (No, really!) With the weak economy, TNA is struggling at the box office for house shows, and the ratings for Impact have dipped back to the 1.1 that the promotion was drawing three years ago at this time. On the other hand, they're consistent. Let's celebrate seven years of the Jarretts and the Carters by looking over this lineup together.

Eric Young & Rhino vs. British Invasion (w/ Rob Terry): This match is on the free pre-show. Hey, didn't Eric Young turn heel a couple of weeks ago? Did he turn back and I missed it? It's possible, especially if it happened on "Spin Cycle". Fun Fact: Rhino used to be the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Projection? Rhino finishes off Brutus Magnus with a spear to score the victory.

Christopher Daniels vs. Shane Douglas (Second Chance Match): According to TNA, the loser of this match must give us his roster spot. Really. Why are you snickering? Just because Daniels has lost two "loser leaves town" matches doesn't mean the third one won't stick. As for Shane Douglas, the bad news is that the former Franchise hasn't improved since leaving the sport a few years back. The good news? Stein Mart is hiring. Projection? Daniels with the Angel's Wings. Douglas gets some more exposure for his next round of indy bookings.

Abyss & Taylor Wilde vs. Raven & Daffney (Monster's Bash): This is the return bout after last month's classic between Taylor and Daffney. Raven and Abyss are around to provide some color. Literally. By the way, Bo Derek called Raven from 1979 and asked for her hairstyle back. Projection? Daffney pins Taylor while Raven and Abyss brawl outside the ring.

Angelina Love vs. Tara (TNA Knockout Title) : The former Victoria is standing up to the Beautiful People and fighting for the TNA Knockout Title. There's one real money match left in this division, and it is Tara against Awesome Kong. If I were TNA, I'd hold off on that match until Bound for Glory.Projection? Tara wins by disqualification as Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne jump in to protect the champion.

Team 3-D vs. James Storm & Robert Roode (TNA World Tag Team Title Match): The buildup for the match is all about how Team 3-D wants to bring back the great tradition of tag team wrestling, and Beer Money spent the prize money from the Team 3-D tournament on hookers and blow and blah blah blah I don't care. Just let these teams wrestle already. They're good at it. Projection? Roode hit Devon with a chairshot and Storm pins him, giving Beer Money Inc. another run with the tag team about.

Sting vs. Matt Morgan (Winner Is In The Main Event Mafia): You've GOT to be kidding me. Projection? Sting with the Scorpion Death Drop. Save that weak sauce stuff for Impact.

Suicide vs. Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin vs. Consequences Creed vs. Jay Lethal (King of the Mountain - TNA X Division Title): Hey! Lethal Consequences are feuding with the Motor City Machine Guns again. That's new! Projection? Suicide wins, because he's the one guy in this match who isn't part of the tag team division.

Mick Foley vs. A.J. Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe (King of the Mountain - TNA World Heavyweight Title): It's a simple match. You pin someone, you grab the belt, you set up the ladder, you climb the ladder, you hang the belt from the ceiling, and you're the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Projection? Foley brings in extra security to keep Booker T, Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash away from ringside. Jarrett goes to hang the belt, but Eric Young runs in and knocks Jarrett out with his own guitar. Al Snow drives a forklift to ringside and uses the forklift to raise Foley into the air, so he can hang the belt and win the match.

(Oh, come on. Like you had a better idea for the finish.)

Aftermath: Next month is Victory Road. We'll see Jeff Jarrett take on Eric Young in a Fans' Revenge Lumberjack Match, Team 3-D against Beer Money in a Full Metal Mayhem match, and the final matches of the 2009 World X Cup. And Mick Foley against A.J. Styles.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. Out on the road today, he saw a "Dead Head" sticker on a Cadillac. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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