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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Stephanie McMahon and Vincent Kennedy Enos McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in the WWE, except for a cruiserweight division. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a selection of billfolds from the Amity Leather Products Company. Remember, if it's stamped "Amity", it's leather. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

If this pay-per-view looks slightly familiar, it is because three of the main matches on the show are matches we saw three weeks ago at WWE Judgment Day, but with different stipulations. Also, in case you haven't been following the wrestling news lately, WWE has released Mister Ken Kennedy. Look for Kennedy to be facing off with Booker T in October at TNA's Bound For Glory show. You'll want to start making those travel arrangements.

Santina Marella vs. Vickie Guerrero (Hog Pen Match): The impressive part of Monday's episode of Raw was how the company showed footage of the hog pen without showing any shots of former WWE champion Triple H getting thrown in the hog pen by Henry Godwin. Remember, under WWE rules, all women who don't look like strippers or like Stephanie McMahon look like big fat pigs. Projection? Chavo interferes to help Vickie Guerrero win the match. However, Santina is still able to pull Vickie into the hog pen with him/her. Vickie has to go into the slop. Otherwise, people will be calling their local cable companies and demanding their money back.

Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho (WWE Intercontinental Title - No Holds Barred): If Mysterio is really injured, he didn't look like it on Friday night, when he and Edge tore the house down on Smackdown. Projection? Mysterio looks sharp, and I see this feud as a sort of replay of the Rey vs. Eddie feud from four years ago, except without the child custody part. Mysterio counters the Walls of Jericho and rolls Chris up to keep the title.

C.M. Punk vs. Umaga (Samoan Strap Match): A generation ago, Savio Vega showed us the terror that can be inflicted by a Caribbean Strap Match. So, what's so special about a Samoan Strap match? Is the strap tattooed? Projection? No offense to Umaga, but this feud needs to come to an end, and soon. Umaga batters Punk, but the Chicago Made straight edge superstar still touches all four corners for the win.

Kofi Kingston vs. Matt Hardy vs. Montel V. Porter vs. William Regal (WWE United States Title - Fatal Four Way Match): Kofi Kingston captured the United States title on Monday night. It was one of those rare moments where WWE made a big deal out of one of its secondary championships. Naturally, the company has turned around and signed a four-way battle for Sunday. Projection? There's no need to take the championship off of the Jamaican Jumping Jack after a mere six days. Kingston pins Regal to keep the championship.

John Cena vs. The Big Show (Submission Match): The big question here is whether Cena can apply his STF to someone the size of Big Show. The funny thing is, I recall a similar match some time ago between Cena and Great Khali, and Cena found a way to win. Projection? A submission match means no disqualifications. Cena pulls the top rope off the turnbuckle and uses it to choke out the giant Wight for the win.

Christian vs. Jack Swagger vs. Tommy Dreamer (WWE ECW Heavyweight Title - Hardcore Triple Threat Match): This is the end of the line for Tommy Dreamer. Maybe. People forget that Dreamer held the ECW Heavyweight Title for a cup of coffee back in 2000. Projection? Seriously, this is how I'd do it. Dreamer musters up the power to pin Swagger after a DDT and capture the ECW title for a second time. Then, on Tuesday night in Biloxi, Dreamer loses the title back to Christian. The following week, Dreamer is introduced as the new ECW General Manager, which is probably the role he's best suited for at this point.

Edge vs. Jeff Hardy (Smackdown World Title - Ladder Match): You'd think it would be time for WWE to surprise everyone by putting the championship belt on Jeff Hardy for a few weeks. But that's what they want you think. Besides, there's some unfinished business here. Projection? Matt Hardy pitches Jeff off the ladders, enabling Edge to make the climb and capture the belt.

Dave Batista vs. Randy Orton (WWE Heavyweight Title - Cage Match): On Monday night, there was a tremendous angle where the champ kicked the crap out of "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. This marks the 3,873rd time in his career that Flair has put his body on the line to get some no-necked, tricep-tearing musclehead over. Projection? Batista batters and bloodies Orton, but the champ hits an RKO out of nowhere to keep the title.

Aftermath: Our next show is "The (Not-So-Great, Non-American) Bash". Let's go with Edge against Rey Mysterio, Orton taking on the returning Triple H, and Matt Hardy battling Jeff Hardy in a Loser Leaves Town match.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's counting the days until the start of the NFL season (95, for those of you keeping score at home).

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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