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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the crazy old dude, the big-nosed son-in-law and the one who has "Desperate Housewives" on her TiVo. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in the WWE, except for a competitive tag team division. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Blue Lustre and Blue Lustre Plus carpet shampoo, with grease cutters and brightness to remove ground-in dirt and grime. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.
From a financial perspective, it probably makes sense to squeeze in fourteen pay-per-views per year. From a wrestling columnist's perspective, it's a terrible idea. WWE is cramming four big forty dollar shows into nine weeks. The promotion only had three weeks to build up this show, and will only have three weeks each to build up both June pay-per-views. These won't be bad pay-per-views. You'll probably see first-rate wrestling in most of the matches. But it will be hard to get excited about Judgment Day, especially after getting the bill for purchasing WrestleMania and Backlash. The good news? We might not see Shane McMahon on this show.
With only six matches on the card, I am projecting that WWE will add another Raw match. I would have Montel V. Porter successfully defend his United States title against William Regal. It's hard to believe that WWE is saving this match for the next pay-per-view. I also anticipate a "hilarious" skit involving Santina Marella, Hornswoggle Q. Finlay and Goldust. This skit will, unfortunately, take longer than I will spend refilling my glass of iced tea. On with the show!
C.M. Punk vs. Umaga: Umaga has been targeting the Straight Edge superstar for the past few weeks on Smackdown. Projection? The Samoan Bulldozer hasn't regained the form he had on Raw, plus Punk really needs the win. C.M. gets the pinfall in his hometown following a running knee strike.
Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho (WWE Intercontinental Title): Jericho has gone from being the hot star on Raw to another player on Smackdown, but he sure acts like he's enjoying himself. Projection? With Rey Mysterio injured, I'm guessing this is our big title change. Jericho counters the West Coast Pop and uses the ropes for leverage to capture the ol' I/C title.
John Cena vs. The Big Show: Five years ago, John Cena impressed everyone in the wrestling scene by getting Big Show up for an Attitude Adjustment. Several weeks ago at WrestleMania, Cena got Big Show and Edge up for the Attitude Adjustment. I'm seeing a pattern. Projection? Cena takes a protracted beating before rallying to win with his finisher.
Christian vs. Jack Swagger (WWE ECW Heavyweight Title): By the way, congratulations to WWE on finally get the ECW rating down below a 1.0. Coincidentally, that 1.0 rating is the same mark Paul Heyman was drawing with ECW on TNN in March 2000. It's nice to see Vince McMahon growing ECW from that cult audience. Projection? Too soon to switch the title back. Christian keeps the title after hitting Swagger with the Killswitch.
Edge vs. Jeff Hardy (Smackdown World Title): Wait. We're doing this again? Jeff Hardy enjoyed winning the WWE title five months ago, but the belt doesn't mean as much to him as hiis artistic freedom. Or something like that. Projection? Since Jeff Hardy is rumored to be taking time off this summer, and since it's too soon to switch the title back, Edge spears Jeff through a table for the victory.
Dave Batista vs. Randy Orton (WWE Heavyweight Title): We all watched Monday night as WWE ran this exact same match. Batista got himself disqualified in about a minute. That's a great way to sell this weekend's main event, isn't it? Projection? Batista manages to fight off outside interference from Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, but Big Show interferes to get Randy Orton disqualified and save the WWE title.
Aftermath: Our next show is "Extreme Rules". It's a perfect opportunity for Batista and Cena to team up against Randy Orton and Big Show. Edge gets to defend his Smackdown title against Chris Jericho, while Jeff Hardy and C.M. Punk pair up for the first time to battle Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas. Really.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. His thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the late Wayman Tisdale. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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