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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Jeff Jarrett, Vince Russo or other members of TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive the Seel-A-Meal II from Dazey. Seel-A-Meel your cooking with airtight bags that go from freezer to hot water. No mess, no bother! Any rebroadcast or other use of this column without the express written consent of Pro Wrestling Torch, Wade Keller or Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

Unlike The Fonz, this columnist is man enough to admit when he's wrong. Mick Foley is looking better, and has been taking his main event match against Sting seriously. Team 3-D have been busting their tails to make the tag team title match with Beer Money seem historically significant. There's a good chance the three main matches on this pay-per-view will deliver. And frankly, I'd rather see "Founder" Jeff Jarrett in the ring in a significant match than "AARP" Vince McMahon. Of course, there have been silly little hiccups on the road to wrestling bliss this month, but we'll deal with them in a bit. On with the show.

Eric Young vs. Danny Bonaduce (In A Cage): Philadelphia disc jockey Danny Bonaduce got upset upon learning that his match with "Showtime" Eric Young would be a dark match. As a result of the Partridge tirade, we get a live, free 30 minute pre-show. The match is there to bring in the hardcore Philly crowd. Judging by the number of comp tickets TNA has been passing out, it didn't work. Projection? Well, I don't think Danny will be starting full-time with the promotion. Plus, I think more folks in the City of Brotherly Love will want to see Bonaduce get clobbered, as opposed to rooting for the schlock jock. Young wins clean with the Death Valley Driver.

Motor City Machine Guns vs. Latin American Xchange vs. Team No Limit (IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Title Match - In A Cage): Tetsuya Naito tweaked his knee on a house show earlier this weekend, leaving some question as to whether he'll be a hundred percent for tonight. Since the LAX haven't been a part of the feud in New Japan, one assumes they're present to take the fall. Projection? The Guns retain after finishing off Homicide with the ASCS Rush.

Daffney Unger vs. Madison Rayne vs. O.D.B. vs. Sojourner Bolt (Queen of The Cage Match): Is anybody in this match receiving a push besides O.D.B.? No? Okay then. Projection? O.D.B. pins Bolt with whatever her finisher is called (Wikipedia calls it a "Wrist-Lock Seated Side Slam", but you can't trust those idiots.)

Abyss vs. Matt Morgan (Doomsday Chamber Of Blood, Which, By The Way, Is In A Cage): In case you've forgotten what a "Doomsday Chamber of Blood" is, it's a cage match where the roof is topped by barbed wire. What were the odds on Abyss or Morgan trying to escape the cage? Probably not very high. Projection? Morgan bashes Abyss's head into the cage, slashes him with barbed wire, cuts him with glass and drops him on thumbtacks. Abyss scores the pin with La Magistral. Book it.

Awesome Kong vs. Angelina Love vs. Taylor Wilde (TNA Knockout Title - In A Cage) : There's only one reason to book a match like this one. For once, I think Jarrett and Russo have got it right. Projection? Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne run in and help Angelina handcuff Kong to the cage wall. Taylor cleans house until Angelina pins her with a bicycle kick. The Beautiful People gain control over the Knockouts Title.

Suicide vs. Consequences Creed vs. Jay Lethal vs. Kiyoshi vs. Sheik Bashir (Xscape The Cage Match - TNA X Division Title): Who will be playing the role of Suicide this week? I have no idea. I will be very impressed if Christopher Daniels wrestles twice. Projection? Suicide and Bashir struggle to the very end, but Suicide hits the floor first to keep the title.

James Storm & Robert Roode vs. Team 3-D (TNA Tag Team Titles - Streetfight Match - Not In A Cage): You have to hand it to Team 3-D, who did a fine job of explaining why a cage match just wasn't good enough to settle the score between the two teams. By the way, I liked Wade Keller's idea of Tazz as a wrestling manager. Let's go with it. Projection? Tazz interferes to help Beer Money retain the title, and stays on to manage Roode and Storm.

Jeff Jarrett, A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels & Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle, Booker T, Kevin Nash & Scott Steiner (Lethal Lockdown - In A Cage): There's no telling what we'll get out of this match, but we'll definitely get A.J. Styles taking a reckless bump off the top of the cage. Projection? Angle and Styles start, followed by Booker, Daniels, Nash, Joe, Steiner and Jarrett. The finish comes when Angle pins the new guy, Daniels, with the Olympic Slam.

Sting vs. Mick Foley (TNA World Heavyweight Title - In A Cage): The old Mick Foley specialized in falls count anywhere matches. I expect the new Mick Foley will make do with the limited amount of space. Projection? Sting and Foley crash through a cage wall at one point for a walk and brawl. Sting eventually wins with a Scorpion Death Drop.

Aftermath: Next month is Sacrifice, one of the lesser TNA pay-per-views. Let's go with Sting & Booker T vs. A.J. Styles & Abyss, Daniels vs. Angle in a 2 out of 3 falls match, and Beer Money vs. Rhino & Abyss.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He is not pleased with the Washington Capitals' playoff performance thus far. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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