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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WrestleMania projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the crazy old dude, the big-nosed son-in-law and the soap opera fan. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in the WWE, except for a cruiserweight division. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Borateem laundry detergent. Borateem brightens the colors, whitens the whites, and cleans it all. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

Yours truly projects this show will draw about 800,000 buys worldwide. It's a combination of a down economy and the fact that nobody wants to see the freaking McMahons as major players in a WrestleMania main event. Six years ago was the last time they tried this, when Hulk Hogan against Vince McMahon was pushed as the main event of WrestleMania over matches which could have, you know, drawn money. Stephanie McMahon is the closest of the three to a sympathetic babyface, and that's a problem.

Also, if you're trying to appeal to a younger demographic, you might want to try pushing some wrestlers who haven't already been main eventing for a decade or more. Just saying.

Chris Jericho vs. Jimmy Snuka & Roddy Piper & Ricky Steamboat (Gauntlet Match): Ric Flair and Mickey Rourke will also be present for the babyface side, because a three-on-one advantage just wasn't big enough. WWE had no backup plan for Mickey Rourke not wrestling. Projection? Jericho makes Snuka tap. Jericho pins Steamboat. Flair and Rourke interfere so that Piper can pin Jericho.

Rosa Mendes vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle vs. Jillian Hall vs. Layla El vs. Kelly Kelly vs. Mickie James vs. Santino Marella vs. Maryse Oulette vs. Brie Bella vs. Eve Torres vs. Gail Kim vs. Maria Kanellis vs. Michelle McCool vs. Natalya Neidhart vs. Nikki Bella vs. Victoria Varon vs. Alicia Fox vs. Katie Lea Burchill vs. Tiffany Terrell vs. Sunny Sytch vs. Torrie Wilson vs. Jackie Haas vs. Molly Holly vs. Melina Perez vs. ??? (25 Woman & 1 Man Battle Royal - Miss WrestleMania): This has been one of the most speculated upon matches in WrestleMania history, as fans tried to outguess WWE as to how they'd fill out the list. Santino can be in the match, but he shouldn't win. Projection? Mae Young gets placed in the match somehow, and she's not getting tossed out over the top rope. And she announces her retirement immediately after the victory.

Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy (Extreme Rules): In hindsight, maybe WWE could have given these two a title belt to fight over and dropped the cruddy soap opera storyline that the fans aren't buying. Projection? Turn the crazy Cameron boys loose. After a wild brawl with lots of weapons, Matt Hardy avoids a Swanton and pins his brother with the Side Effect. The feud must continue.

John B. Layfield vs. Rey Mysterio (WWE Intercontinental Title): JBL has promised to make history at WrestleMania this year. There's been a lot of speculation that this will be Bradshaw's retirement match, but you know how WWE likes to surprise people. Projection? Layfield uses a handful of ropes to retain the title, then announces he has signed a new protege to continue his legacy. That's how Bradshaw winds up managing ECW Champion Jack "Lisp" Swagger.

Fit Finlay vs. Christian vs. C.M. Punk vs. Mark Henry vs. Kane vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Montel V. Porter vs. Shelton Benjamin ("Money in the Bank" Ladder Match): Rumor has it the original plan was for Big Show to win this match, which tells you that Vince McMahon and company value size more than athleticism, or drawing power. Projection? Of the eight participants, Christian would probably have the best pay-per-view title match. Christian gets the briefcase, and cashes it in at Night of Champions to get a shot at Randy Orton.

The Colon Brothers vs. John Morrison & Mike Mizanin (WWE Unified Tag Team Titles - Lumberjack Match): My main problem with this stipulation was that the tag team champions would have to wrestle on all three shows. Then I realized Miz and Morrison are already wrestling on all three shows. Plus, WWE will probably find a way to squeeze them onto "Superstars" as well. Projection? Miz and Morrison win in a good match interrupted by a brief Bella on Bella catfight.

Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels: Two of the very best in WWE history face off for the first time in eleven years. Can they do this without all the bells and whistles from their first feud? Projection? Undertaker with the tombstone piledriver to go 17-0.

Edge vs. Big Show vs. John Cena (Smackdown World Title): Normally, I'd be in favor of keeping the championship on Edge. The Rated-R superstar is a fine talent and a good talker, John Cena will be making a movie in a couple months, and WWE should be keeping their world championships from changing hands too often. But this storyline has to die. Projection? This year's ridiculous John Cena WrestleMania entrance should be Cena as John Travolta's character in "Urban Cowboy". But they never ask me. Cena gets Show up for the Throwback and beats him. Edge and Show bicker amongst themselves for a few more weeks.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton (WWE Heavyweight Title): Another one of the WrestleMania rules is that the babyface should go home with the WWE title. But they've already broken that rule before, and they should break it again this year. WWE should go with the man who, warts and all, is going to be their franchise player for the next twelve months. Projection? Vince and Shane counter the shenanigans of Rhodes and DiBiase at ringside. But Orton still gets the job done with the soccer kick to capture the WWE title.

Aftermath: Edge wins the World belt back from Cena in a couple of months, so Big Bad John can make his next movie. The feud between The McMahons and The Legacy continues in earnest at Backlash. Meanwhile, WWE sets the table for Cena versus Orton as the main event of WrestleMania 26 in Arizona.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's ready for Opening Day, even if it involves the Nationals playing the Marlins.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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