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MCNEILL'S TAKE
Hunt You Down: McNEILL Previews WWE No Way Out 2009! Feb 15, 2009 - 10:12:50 AM
Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for another WWE pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from the WWE creative staff. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of JR's Original Bar-B-Q Sauce. This sweet, succulent sauce is the, ahem, "real deal". Great for grilling, on ribs, or burgers. Not approved as a floor wax or as a cure for male pattern baldness. Visit JRsbarbq.com for details. Don't say I never did anything for you. I'm not fat, I'm big boned. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over World Wrestling Entertainment, instead of the people who think we need more Shane McMahon with our World Wrestling Entertainment.
A couple of days ago, after perusing this lineup, I noticed that this card doesn't look very enticing on paper. Yours truly suspects that we will receive another development in the Mickey Rourke vs. Chris Jericho saga in order to make up for it. If that's not the case, surely WWE will have something in its bag of tricks to get people talking by tomorrow.
We may end up with a sixth match on this show. I would go with Montel V. Porter defeating Shelton Benjamin with a Playmaker to regain the all-important WWE United States Title.
Jack Swagger vs. Fit Finlay (ECW Heavyweight Title): The dynamic of this championship match changed on Tuesday, when Christian returned on ECW television to play the role of Buddy Hinton to Jack's Cindy Brady. Yes, in WWE booking, Cindy Brady is the heel. In TNA booking, Cindy would have kicked Peter Brady in the groin and gone off with Buddy Hinton. Where was I? Projection? Christian does commentary at ringside. Hornswoggle Finlay's interference backfires, and Jack wins with the Red, White and Blue Bomb. Jack goes after both Finlays after the match, and Christian makes the save.
Shawn Michaels vs. John Bradshaw Layfield (All Or Nothing Match): At first, I wondered how WWE was going to squeeze JBL into a high-profile match at WrestleMania if the company ended his feud with Shawn Michaels. Then I realized I was the only person in the world who cared. Projection? Michaels wins with the superkick. JBL prepares for a best of 75 series with C.M. Punk.
Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton (WWE Heavyweight Title): Shane McMahon has been working this storyline like a man who can't wait to written out of WWE storylines. If you heard this weekend's McNeill Audio, someone in WWE defended the Shane McMahon push by pointing out the lack of viable babyfaces on Raw. This is a textbook example of WWE solving the wrong problem. Projection? Shane survives being put through the announce table and thrown off the TitanTron before Orton pins him with the RKO.
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Kane vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Mike Knox vs. Rey Mysterio (Elimination Chamber Match - Raw Heavyweight Title): Then again, maybe the depth on the Raw roster isn't so good. Projection? Mysterio and Kane start the match. Mysterio finally catches Big Red with the West Coast Pop and gets the pin just in time for Jericho to be released. Jericho takes over on Rey. Kofi comes in fourth. Jericho takes out Kofi with the Codebreaker. Cena comes in and brawls with Jericho for a bit. Mike Knox is last. Cena makes short work of Knox. Jericho injures Rey's knee and forces him to submit to the Walls of Jericho. Cena dodges the Lionsault and pins Jericho with the Whatever His Finishing Move Is Called This Week.
Edge vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H vs. Big Show vs. The Undertaker vs. Vladimir Kozlov (Yet Another Elimination Chamber Match - WWE Heavyweight Title): This has to go on last. It's the most interesting match on the show, for one thing. Projection? Jeff Hardy and Edge start. Matt Hardy comes out from under the ring and helps Edge eliminate Jeff within a few minutes. The Undertaker is next. Edge ducks and dodges for five minutes until Big Show is released. The Undertaker chokes out Show in time for Kozlov to be released. The Dead Man has a tougher time with Kozlov. Undertaker pins Kozlov with a Tombstone. Triple H is next. He pins Undertaker with a Pedigree. Edge grabs a sledgehammer from under the ring and uses it on Hunter for the pin to retain the title.
Aftermath: WrestleMania brings Cena vs. Orton, Edge vs. Triple H, Swagger vs. Christian and hopefully Mickey Rourke vs. Chris Jericho. I'm voting for Undertaker vs. Kozlov vs. Kane vs. Big Show vs. Great Khali vs. Mike Knox in the Money In The Bank match, but few people in Stamford seem to share my sense of humor.
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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He is currently hard at work writing his first play, "ESPN: The Musical." These are the jokes, people. His weekly "Real Deal" audio update is available to Torch VIP subscribers. Check out his "McNeill Factor" column in the Torch Newsletter.
Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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