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Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Jeff Jarrett, Vince Russo or other members of TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. Contestants not appearing on stage will receive a Roman Brio Men's Fragrance Gift Set. Roman Brio cologne and aftershave. Available in regular and leather scents. Any rebroadcast or other use of this column without the express written consent of Pro Wrestling Torch, Wade Keller or Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

Not scheduled to wrestle on this Sunday's show are: A.J. Styles, Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, Homicide, Hernandez, The Beautiful People, Roxxi, Taylor Wilde, Chris Sabin, Jeff Jarrett, Mick Foley, Kevin Nash, Rhino, Sonjay Dutt, B.G. James, Jimmy Rave and Sheik Abdul Bashir. You know what? Given a month to set everything up, we might be able to draw more money with the eighteen wrestlers not on the show than the eighteen wrestlers who made the cut. I'm just saying.

Also, let's take a look at who the Front Line has slated to battle the Main Event Mafia this month. There's Petey Williams, Shane Sewell and Team 3-D. Um...I thought the TNA side was trying to win this feud?

Brutus Magnus is expected to show up and beat the crap out of somebody.

Petey Williams vs. Scott Steiner: We finally get the alleged payoff for months and months of making Petey Williams look like a goof. Projection? Petey tries to hit the Canadian Destroyer and throws out his back, making him easy prey for the Steiner Recliner.

Abyss vs. Matt Morgan: Abyss is back, and he's ready to use thumbtacks and stuff on "The Blueprint". The only problem is, this isn't supposed to be a hardcore match. Projection? This starts as a wrestling match, but Abyss wants to use thumbtacks, barbed wire and his usual array of tricks. Morgan hits Abyss with a chair and gets disqualified.

Booker T vs. Shane Sewell (Non-Title): This is a joke, right? Projection? Booker with the axe kick. I mean, come on.

Awesome Kong vs. O.D.B. (TNA Knockout Title) : Nothing like seeing this match for the 3,278th time. The twist is that the Kongtourage (really, that's the name of Kong's stable) is barred from ringside. Projection? Give that Kong's been working through injuries, I'm going against the grain and taking O.D.B. in an upset following a rollup. O.D.B. finally picks up the title.

Alex Shelley vs. Eric Young (TNA X Division Title) : Eric Young beat Shelley on Impact, setting up this title match. Yes, putting the Motor City Machine Guns in singles matches is just the thing to draw in TNA fans. Projection? Sabin interferes and helps Shelley score the win with the shiranui.

James Storm & Robert Roode (w/ Jacqueline Moore) vs. Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed (TNA Tag Team Titles): The angle where Eric Young filled in for the injured Consequences Creed on Thursday gives the challengers a built-in excuse for losing the match. Projection? The champs are too much for the ex-champs, and finish off Creed cleanly with the D.W.I.

Sting vs. Brother Devon vs. Brother Ray vs. Kurt Angle (TNA World Heavyweight Title): This whole show is predicated on tension between Sting and Kurt Angle. But since a Sting vs. Angle feud isn't in the cards, we'll have to do something else. Projection? Angle has the match won when Jeff Jarrett comes out to distract him. Sting picks up the scraps, hitting a Death Drop on Brother Ray to keep the title.

Aftermath: Next month is Destination X. Let's go with Jarrett & Styles vs. Sting & Angle in the main event, plus Samoa Joe vs. Nash and Sabin vs. Shelley vs. Young in an Ultimate X match.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He doesn't take the Pro Bowl seriously. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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