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It's Sunday night at Richmond, and you are looking LIVE at barside, home of the WWE Blast Area for the first WWE pay-per-view of 2009. As it turns out, not only is the Royal Rumble on tonight, but this is also the night where the bar is holding a "Doctors and Nurses VIP Party". That would explain why the waitresses are in doctor coats and/or scrubs instead of their usual uniforms of sports jerseys. The pregame show gives us a video package that, unfortunately, runs through the entire Jeff Hardy storyline. We also get a much better video package which runs down the history of the Rumble without showing any clips of Chris Benoit.

As it turns out, the crowd is up from previous pay-per-views. Of course, that may be due to the fact that this is the Royal Rumble, that football season is over, and that this is wrestling season, as Wade Keller would say. We open with the Kevin Rudolf theme song for this show. One of the guys at the table behind me hates this song, as do people on the Torch VIP forums. I don't hate this song yet, but ask me again in about two hours and forty-five minutes.

The replay of Randy Orton booting Vince McMahon in the head. We are greeted by the faces of Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. Cole promises us that even though Vince McMahon sustained a concussion Monday night, the show must go on. Vince McMahon would have wanted it that way.

Our first match is Jack Swagger defending the ECW title against Matt Hardy. There's a sign in the crowd saying "I love Cena and my BF hates it!" That's a pretty good summary of where WWE is right now. They're doing okay, but this isn't the usual sort of high-energy opening match we get on a major show. Matt Striker actually mentions that Hardy might be feeling ill effects from his match on Smackdown. This is one of Swagger's better outings. Jack hits the gutwrench powerbomb for the win, and it's a decent match. We're now up to about seventeen people in front of the big screens in the back room, and there are people looking in from outside the railing.

Randy Orton arrives, and the other wrestlers and backstage people completely shun him. How dare Randy Orton do that to Mr. McMahon! After all, no other wrestler in the history of WWE has ever attacked Vince McMahon on camera. Oh, wait.

Next up is Beth Phoenix defending the women's title against Melina Perez. You know, it's hard to treat Melina as a serious challenger when she comes to ring dressed a fan dancer. There's a big Borat sign in the crowd (very nice). The crowd is dying a slow death when Phoenix ties Melina up and makes her kick herself in the head. That got over huge. It's a spot lifted from the fantastic Cheerleader Melissa vs. MsChif falls count anywhere battle in Shimmer. But Beth Phoenix used to be in Shimmer, so it's all good. Melina rallies to roll up Beth for the pin and the title. Well, that sucked the air out of the crowd.

We go to the video package to set up Cena's title defense against JBL. One of the guys at the table behind me explains to his girlfriend that Shawn Michaels is now JBL's lackey. "That sucks," she says. You're telling me, sister. A couple more guys arrive in the room, and are very pleased to learn they haven't missed anything. The big story backstage is JBL's offer to let Shawn out of his deal if Bradshaw wins the belt from Cena tonight. The Undertaker swings by to talk sense to Shawn Michaels and paraphrase some old Steve Miller Band lyrics.

After an ad for WrestleMania, we're off and running with our World Title match. I have no idea what's going on with the paint on John Cena's jeans. The crowd immediately starts in with the dueling "Let's go, Cena! Cena sucks!" chant we've grown to know and love. At this point, it really doesn't matter who Cena wrestles. Shawn Michaels makes the sad sack face at ringside. The storyline of poor, pitiful Shawn Michaels is starting to backfire, and it's not getting Michaels the sympathy that WWE is going for.

By the end of this match, pretty much every guy at the bar is rooting for Michaels to kick Cena. To his credit, Shawn doesn't disappoint, knocking out JBL and then suckering the Doctor of Thugonomics. HBK takes off after putting Layfield on top of Cena, but there's no referee. Cena survives and hits the Throwback for the victory. One waitress in blue scrubs is very excited about this. The rest of the populace is more interested in the ad for the "Legends of WrestleMania" video game. Still two hours left in the show.

The video package describing the feud between Jeff Hardy and Edge airs next. I keep my mouth shot and listen. A few people think Christian will turn out to be the attacker, but that's not a majority by any means. We now have twenty-three people watching the Royal Rumble, a very nice crowd for a Sunday night. Vickie Guerrero comes out to announce that the WWE title will be contested in a no disqualification match.

Edge comes to the ring with Chavo Guerrero. Here's what I don't understand. If this is a no disqualification match, why doesn't Edge hire three or four more heels, and beat the piss out of Jeff from the opening bell? I'm not going to get an answer tonight, because Chavo is acting like a cheerleader in Edge's corner. In honor of this special match, Jeff has painted his face and is dressed up like Michael Jackson in the "Thriller" video. One of the guys behind me wants to see Jeff Hardy defend against Undertaker at WrestleMania. Good luck with that.

The match starts to get going, and it's really good. However, it feels like everyone here (and everyone there) is waiting for the inevitable dose of outside interference. Things start getting a little crazy as Jeff spears Edge and then gives him a Twist of Fate on the ring apron. Jeff gets the big ladder out from under the ring. Chavo tries to stop Jeff, which is how Chavo gets put through the announce table. It looks as if Jeff slipped coming off the ladder and his head struck Chavo's chest. There are some more very good near falls, and then Vickie Guerrero comes out to interfere. Jeff hits the Swanton and Edge is out. Matt saves Jeff from Vickie and suggests a conchairto on Edge. And, of course, Matt turns on Jeff and crosses his eyes with an unprotected chairshot. Edge wins.

So, Matt and Jeff Hardy are going to face off at WrestleMania? After their awful feud back in 2001? I'm reminded of the old Dennis Miller line about the reunification of Germany. I wasn't a fan of their previous work, and I'm not looking forward to the new material. Matt did have a good homicidal facial expression, though.

We have a double Elimination Chamber show at No Way Out in three weeks. If they can somehow work two more elimination chamber matches into that show, they could call it "TNA Lockdown".

And now it's time for the Royal Rumble. There are thirty wrestlers in the match. Two wrestlers start, a new wrestler enters every ninety seconds, and the people at the bar count along with the folks in the arena. Carlito pulls off a neato double springboard moonsault as the disc jockey starts up his medley of 1980's standards with "Nothin' But A Good Time" by Poison. C.M. Punk gets to hit the Go To Sleep on Triple H, which is something you don't get to see every day. The African-Americans in our crowd are pleased to see Kofi Kingston and Shelton Benjamin, but they know not to expect WWE to push them.

Rob Van Dam's surprise return gets a good reaction. Too bad Rob isn't sticking around to live up WWE television. Santino Marella is beloved, especially when he gets cleared out after a second. Then it's time for The Brian Kendrick, who makes the Daizee Haze "smoke a joint" hand motion in the second and a half before WWE takes the cameras off him.

It all comes down to Triple H and The Legacy. The Royal Rumble ends the right way, with Hunter dispatching the sidekicks but falling to Orton. Somebody's been watching the old Four Horsemen tapes. The faithful settle their checks and stumble into the night, with hopes for a good WrestleMania to carry us home.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, VA has been a Torch columnist since 2001.


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