MCNEILL'S TAKE
Boot To The Head: McNEILL Previews WWE Royal Rumble 2009!
Jan 25, 2009 - 12:14:52 PM |
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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist
Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for another WWE pay-per-view preview column!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from the WWE creative staff. In honor of The Great One, this preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Flavor Ice. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over World Wrestling Entertainment, instead of the people who don't actually like pro wrestling in their World Wrestling Entertainment.
Just for the sheer joy of it, let's run down the list of Royal Rumble wrestlers: You have Santino Marella, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Kane, Shelton Benjamin, John Morrison, Mike Mizanin, Chris Jericho, Kofi Kingston, Randy Orton, Undertaker, Vladimir Kozlov, The Big Show, Triple H, Carlito, The Brian Kendrick, C.M. Punk, R-Truth, Finlay, The Great Khali, Chavo Guerrero, Rey Mysterio and Mark Henry announced. That leaves space for seven more wrestlers. For our purposes here, we will throw in Hacksaw Jim Duggan, William Regal, Shad Gaspard, JTG, Hurricane Helms, Primo Colon, and the returning Umaga.
I'm going to start off with another disclaimer. I have a sneaking suspicion WWE will book this event differently than I would book it. There have also been rumors of a high profile athlete participating in an angle, much like Floyd Mayweather, Jr. did last year, but I won't include that. Finally, I have a hunch that, despite all the denials, a certain Texas Rattlesnake will end up having one final match at WrestleMania 25. On with the show!
Beth Phoenix vs. Melina (WWE Women's Title): The only thing actually happening in this division is the Glamarella storyline. Projection? Rosa Mendez comes to ringside and almost costs Phoenix the match, but Beth ends up putting Melina away with her finisher. More tension with Beth and Rosa to follow.
Jack Swagger vs. Matt Hardy (ECW Title Match): 2009 is going to be a big year for the All-American American. It will be a regular old year for Matt Hardy. Projection? Swagger does it again, pinning Matt with the sitout Blue Thunder bomb. Jack's belt is safe until, oh, early June.
John Cena vs. John B. Layfield (Raw World Heavyweight Title): Without Shawn Michaels' involvement, this feud would sure stink. Layfield and Cena usually have a good chemistry together, so this should be an above average match. Projection? Michaels initially refuses to help JBL. Referee Mike Chioda gets bumped. JBL and Cena battle on the floor. JBL ducks and Michaels superkicks Cena, fueling speculation on what HBK was up to. JBL wins by countout.
Jeff Hardy vs. Edge (WWE Heavyweight Title): The outcome of this match is probably the worst kept secret in wrestling right now. But that doesn't mean WWE should change their original plans. Projection? Edge regains the title following outside interference from the Edgeheads, Chavo Guerrero, the Detroit Lions and the returning Christian Cage.
2009 Royal Rumble Match: There are a few different ways to go here, but there is one path that makes a bit more sense than the others. Projection? (deep breath).
Order of Entry: 1- C.M. Punk, 2- John Morrison, 3- Ted DiBiase, 4- Kofi Kingston, 5- Cody Rhodes, 6- Primo Colon, 7- R-Truth, 8- Chavo Guerrero, 9- Mike Mizanin, 10- Fit Finlay, 11- William Regal, 12- Shelton Benjamin, 13- The Great Khali, 14- Chris Jericho, 15- Mark Henry, 16- Santino Marella, 17- Shad Gaspard, 18- The Big Show, 19- Undertaker, 20- Rey Mysterio, 21- The Brian Kendrick, 22- Randy Orton, 23- Hacksaw Jim Duggan, 24- Kane, 25- JTG, 26- Vladimir Kozlov, 27- Hurricane Helms, 28- Carlito Colon, 29- Triple H, 30- Umaga.
The main storyline is that Orton cuts a promo earlier in the show talking about how he killed the biggest legend of them all, Vincent K. McMahon. Now he has beaten or destroyed every great legend in WWE history. Randy comes into the match and starts cleaning house, dumping Kendrick and Mysterio, then Duggan, then waiting for Show to eliminate Undertaker before eliminating The Show. Randy stands alone in the ring.
Then the glass shatters. Austin comes to the ring, not as an official entrant, and stomps a mudhole in Orton and gives him a Stunner. Austin leaves just in time for Kane to arrive and dispose of the unconscious Orton.
Our final five are Triple H, Kane, Umaga, Kozlov and JTG. And you probably know how this ends. Triple H wins the Rumble and heads on to face Edge at WrestleMania 25.
Aftermath: Raw Elimination Chamber match at No Way Out. Cena vs. JBL vs. HBK at No Way Out. The Hardys tangle with Edge and Christian in a tag match at No Way Out.
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Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He loves the excitement of the 30 man Rumble match. It's special because it's only done once a year. His weekly "Real Deal" audio update is available to Torch VIP subscribers. His "McNeill Factor" column appears weekly in the Torch Newsletter.
Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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