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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE Armageddon projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event. Projections are not predictions, because this columnist is neither a McMahon nor a Gewirtz nor "Fabulous Freebird" Michael Hayes. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive Hamilton-Beach's Deluxe Drinkmaster milkshake machine, with two mixing speeds. Perfect for making milkshakes, diet drinks, omelettes and more. From Hamilton-Beach. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

This is the final pay-per-view of the year, and we'll have a four week break between Armageddon and the next major wrestling pay-per-view. Thank goodness. This show will probably be a decent, well-worked show, but it would be unfair to expect the sort of fireworks we've had on WWE's big four pay-per-views. Or is it?

Also, the early rumors about JBL getting knocked out by WWE.com czar Joey Styles were slightly exaggerated, so please don't bring signs to Buffalo or Toronto referring to the former champ as John "Glassjaw" Layfield. Thanks in advance.

Michelle McCool, Maria Kanellis, Kelly Kelly & Mickie James vs. Maryse Oulette, Jillian Hall, Natalya Neidhart & Victoria Varon: Eight of the hardworking divas show up, just for those few fellows who are ordering these pay-per-views due to some sort of fetish. Projection? Mickie James scores a flash pin on Victoria and takes a two-on-one beatdown from Victoria and Natalya. Trish Stratus makes the save. Would WWE book a pay-per-view match just to set up a TV match for Trish Stratus on Raw in her hometown? You betcha!

Rey Mysterio vs. C.M. Punk (Intercontinental Title #1 Contender Match): Of the two former World Heavyweight Champions, who needs this victory more? Yeah, I don't know either. Projection? Punk and Kofi Kingston dropped the tag belts last night in Ontario. I would say Punk needs this worse right now. Punk scores the pinfall after outside interference from Mike Knox.

Fit Finlay vs. Mark Henry (Belfast Brawl): On the heels of a spectacular tag team match on ECW television last week, the two behemoths of Tuesday night square off in a no holds barred something or other. Projection? Finlay wins with the shillelagh, and we're one step closer to a Tony Atlas vs. Mark Henry match on free television. No, I'm not kidding.

Matt Hardy vs. Vladimir Kozlov (Non-Title Match): The whole question surrounding this classic bout is whether Matt Hardy can pull a better match out of Kozlov than Triple H. I say he can. Projection? Kozlov eventually delivers a Klitschko-sized knockout to the champ, because there's six weeks of ECW television to fill, and WWE is bringing Jack Swagger along slowly.

Dave Batista vs. Randy Orton: If you were a Vegas handicapper, and you had the pay-per-view won-loss records for Dave Batista and Randy Orton in front of you, who would YOU pick? Projection? Well, let's see. A pay-per-view match involving Dave Batista and Randy Orton. I'd have to say Batista chokes and Randy wins it.

Edge vs. Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy (WWE Heavyweight Title): Edge is back on top of WWE Smackdown, and all's right with the world. Matt Hardy gave an interview saying that he believes Jeff will one day win the WWE title. Not until the wellness policy changes, he won't. Projection? It looks like Triple H is seconds away from regaining his WWE title, when we get outside interference from the returning Christian Cage and Tyson Tomko. With Hunter out of the way, Edge pins Jeff Hardy to retain the championship. And with that, La Familia draws to a close. Do you really need Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely when you have the Christian Coalition handy?

John Cena vs. Chris Jericho (Raw World Heavyweight Title): I'm just going to go with last month's projection and see if it actually comes true this time. Projection? Orton runs in and gets Jericho disqualified. Orton doesn't like Jericho and doesn't like Cena, so this actually makes sense.

Aftermath: The next WWE pay-per-view is the Royal Rumble. That gives us more than enough time to set up Triple H vs. Tomko, Cena vs. Jericho vs. Orton, Edge and Christian reuniting to wrestle Matt and Jeff Hardy, and the Royal Rumble match itself.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He really hopes the New York Giants annihilate the Dallas Cowboys tonight. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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