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Let us close our eyes
Outside their lives go on much faster.
Oh, we won’t give in
We’ll keep living in the past.
"Living In The Past" by Jethro Tull (1972)

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Jeff Jarrett, Vince Russo or other members of TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Koogle Flavored Peanut Spread. Koogle comes in four delicious flavors: banana, chocolate, cinnamon and vanilla. And remember, four whammies brings tears to your eyes and puts you out of the game. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

This weekend, we learned that Kurt Angle will have a special cornerman for his match tongiht against Shrino. According to the TNA website, the cornerman will not only be a former World Champion, he will be somebody who won the World Tag Team titles teaming with Mick Foley.

If you think for a moment, the two most obvious names that come to mind for this role are the men who drew their biggest audience teaming with Foley during the Attitude era of the World Wrestling Federation. We're talking about "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and "The Rock" Dwayne Johnson. The fact that no one, not even the biggest TNA boosters, believe that Austin or Rock are showing up tonight in Orlando tells you volumes about where TNA, and the wrestling industry as a whole, stand right now.

Also, it's good to know that Terry "Rhino" Gerin isn't letting his recent hospital stay prevent him from wrestling tonight. I can think of several reasons why Rhino couldn't pack and athletic commission physical, and none of them bode particularly well.

Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley vs. Hernandez vs. B.G. James vs. Homicide vs. Jimmy Rave vs. Petey Williams vs. Consequences Creed vs. Curry Man vs. Cute Kip James vs. Lance Hoyt Rock vs. Shark Boy (Feast Or Fired Battle Royal): The highlight of the hype for this match came on Thursday night when Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin completely buried the stupid concept for this match in the course of their pretaped promos. Naturally, TNA ran the promos anyway. Projection? This is tough, because last year the briefcases kept changing hands after the match. Let's have the four briefcases go to Hernandez, Jay Lethal, Lance Rock and B.G. James, with Shelley and Sabin running to the back and forfeiting their slots seconds after the opening bell rings.

Taylor Wilde & Roxxi & O.D.B. vs. The Beautiful People & Sharmel Huffman: Hey, at least TNA gave up on using the Sarah Palin impersonator as a potential pay-per-view draw. Projection? The Beautiful People hang Sharmel out to dry, and O.D.B. pins the former WWE queen.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Eric Young (TNA X Division Title): Unless Abdul Bashir is going to get a manager, or some character development, there's no point in continuing this title reign. Projection? Young scores the pin and captures the X Division title. TNA brings the Iron Shiek in to manage Bashir next month, just for the fun of it.

James Storm & Robert Roode (w/ Jacqueline Moore) vs. Abyss & Matt Morgan (TNA Tag Team Titles): "The Monster" Abyss did a skit Thursday where he tried to fit in with "cool guys" Storm and Roode and, well, it was awful. Projection? Roode pins Morgan after a beer bottle shot from James Storm.

Awesome Kong (w/ Raesha Saeed) vs. Christy Hemme (TNA Knockouts Title) : You're kidding, right? Projection? Kong wins with the Implant Buster. Thank you, amd please drive through.

Rhino vs. Kurt Angle (Special Enforcer: Mick Foley): Terry Funk would be a great choice to be part of the Main Event Mafia. You know who might be a better choice? Former UFC trainer and former WWE European Champion Al Snow. Projection? Angle wins with the Olympic Slam. Foley has to make the count once Booker T runs in and bumps referee Earl Hebner. Get ready for more wackiness as Kurt Angle feuds with the authority figures.

Sting, Booker T, Kevin Nash & Scott Steiner vs. A.J. Styles, Samoa Joe & Team 3-D (TNA World Heavyweight Title): With Vince Russo booking, you almost have to bet on a singles title changing hands in a tag team match at some point. But it would be a huge mistake to try it tonight. Projection? The match takes place under "relaxed rules". Booker puts Brother Devon through a table and Sting takes the pinfall.

Aftermath: Next month is TNA Genesis 2009. It should be Mick Foley vs. Kurt Angle (as the Jarrett-Angle fracas gets pushed back another month), Sting vs. Samoa Joe, Booker T vs. A.J. Styles, and Team 3-D taking on Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He hopes TNA changes its booking team before O.J. Simpson gets out of prison. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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