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It's Sunday night at Richmond, and you are looking LIVE at barside, home of the WWE Blast Area for the 2008 Survivor Series. I am joined by several diehard WWE fans. Ms. Anne has opted to stay home and check out "The Amazing Race" on CBS. I suspect she's not the only one skipping this wrestling event. One of the nearby televisions is tuned to Sunday Night Football, which is convenient for tracking my fantasy football performance. In my estimation, Vince McMahon probably isn't scared about competing with Peyton Manning. But he should be petrified of the competition from the returning Jack Bauer on Fox.

Our exciting pregame show consists of the great Jack Karpela in his oversized suit. Here's a summary of the half-hour broadcast: John Cena, John Cena. Tonight, I have drawn the one waitress in the place who isn't wearing a football jersey. I ask for the chicken platter. The waitress agrees and leaves before I can tell her how I want my chicken done. This comes after I skipped lunch today. There could be severe ramipercussions. What will she return with? Tune into to Raw tomorrow night and find out!

By the time the pay-per-view opens, we have thirteen people crammed into the wrestling section of the bar. The guy at the next table, who is wearing a Redskins jersey, talks about whata big John Cena fan he is. His girlfriend, on the other hand, is a Cena hater. That's unusual. One of the ppol players behind us asks if we're really going to watch the wrestling show. Well, duh.

This is the 22nd annual Survivor Series, which officially makes me old. Jim Ross opens up the telecast by informing us that Jeff Hardy was found unconscious after falling from the rafters. Okay, that's not what he said, but nothing WWE does would surprise me anymore. He then introduces us to tonight's other announcers, Tazz, Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Todd Grisham, Matt Striker, Eve Torres, Hugo Savinovich, Carlos Cabrera, Jim Palmer, Al Michaels, Tim McCarver and the late Curt Gowdy.

Our opening match is a traditional Survivor Series elimination battle between Team HBK and Team JBL. For some reason, the babyfaces come out first. They are led to the ring by Shawn Michaels, who hasn't passed out in a stairwell for, oh, at least seven or eight years now. The opposing team in helmed by John "Retire Already" Layfield, who I'm told now has all of his money hidden under a mattress.

This match isn't bad at all, and it draws some attention from the off-duty waitresses who are gathering in our area. While it's going on, the chicken arrives. It's a barbecued chicken breast, so all is right with the world. For some reason, Taz busts out a Toni Tennille reference. Great. Now they're stealing my material. JBL gets counted out and your survivors are Michaels, Mysterio and Great Khali.

There's a sign along the entranceway that reads "Jeff, Please Stay Clean." Now look what you did, WWE. Meanwhile, on the Torch website, Sean Radican is sending in pictures from the same seats I'll be sitting it the next time a WWE house show rolls through Richmond. Next up, hard-hitting investigative journalist Eve Torres interviews Triple H backstage. The Game's trying to be gracious, and it's not going so hot.

The bad news is that the next match is the ten-woman tag between the Raw divas and the Smackdown divas. The good news is that Santino Marella is along for the ride, which makes the whole thing easier to watch. A few years, WWE did a similar match at the Survivor Series, but it was one fall instead of elimination rules. Boy, would that have been a great idea for tonight. The thing that really stood out here is Kelly Kelly's new music. Beth Phoenix is your winner. She and Santino celebrate in the ring, proving that true love conquers all.

Backstage, Matt Hardy explains that Jeff Hardy didn't trip down a flight of stairs after doing crystal meth. Someone knocked Jeff unconscious. Matt's not sure what Jeff was doing in a hotel stairwell at three in the morning. I'm going to assume he was getting in some last-minute cardio in preparation for his historic 2,857th unsuccessful WWE title shot.

Eighteen years ago, The Undertaker debuted at Survivor Series. Yes, I still feel old. We get ring introductions for the casket match, where we learn that Big Show is listed at 441 pounds. This is one of those times where I would actually need to see the weigh-in the day before the big fight. Some guy in a Steelers hat arrives in our area, making his presence known to his friends by doing the John Cena "You Can't See Me" hand gesture in front of the big screen. Hey, down in front.

A lot of interesting things happened here, none of which involved the actual match. The off-duty waitress in the Steve Smith jersey "accidentally" smeared nacho sauce on her boyfriend. The obnoxious non-wrestling fan loudly told his tablemates he was sick of watching wrestling and left. Tragically, he came back. The actual match was very dull, especially when you consider how well Undertaker and Show had been working together in previous months. Undertaker gets the win, and whoever's in the next match has their work cut out for them.

In three weeks, Hunter the Barbarian will be headlining Armageddon on pay-per-view. Backstage, the Colon brothers are trying to mack on the Bella twins when they are interrupted by Charlie Haas and The Boogeyman. Scenes like these are probably why more wrestlers don't date. Also backstage, Randy Orton rallies his team by insulting Cody Rhodes. Sound strategy.

We have breaking news! The Cena-hating girlfriend of the guy in the Redskins gear shows up, and it turns out she's kinda hot. She strikes up a friendship with the waitress in the Steve Smith jersey, who also hates Cena. Jersey Girl's boyfriend runs in and defends Cena. We'll keep you posted on any further developments.

Team Batista versus Team Orton. Redskins Fan informs me that Ron Killings is a really good wrestler. You don't say? Of course, the fact that Richmond (* ahem *) DOESN'T HAVE A MYNETWORK AFFILIATE makes it difficult for some of us to follow the Smackdown brand. Let's see. We have, Tony Atlas, Manu and Layla El at ringside for Team RKO. And people say there are no managers in WWE. As predicted by yours truly, Dave Batista mows down the rest of Team Orton by himself until Randy surprises The Animal with his finisher. If you're looking for another fearless prediction, I predict that no one who ordered this pay-per-view will watch Rosie O'Donnell's new variety show.

After the match, Steelers Guy comforts a poor Batista fan by calmly explaining that Evolution's never getting back together, and it's time to let that dream die. We are officially informed that Jeff Hardy will not be wrestling tonight. If I had paid actual money to order this show, I'd be more concerned. By way of consolation, WWE gives us a video package that explains the past month of Jeff Hardy's life. As it turns out, Jeff Hardy is Crow Sting.

Triple H wrestles Vladimir Kozlov for the WWE title. These two guys work a reverse bearhug spot for just this side of forever. I amuse myself by pretending that Kozlov is actually applying a waistlock. You remember back in the day, when WWF and WCW would have the obligatory crappy match to bore the fans before Hulk Hogan came out? This is the Bore The Fans Before Cena match. Vickie comes out and introduces the returning Edge in the match. Hardened wrestlers fans weep at the prospect of not watching Hunter and Kozlov wrestle any more. Jeff Hardy chases Edge to ringside. Edge wins the WWE title and the bar rejoices. John Who?

It's time. John Cena, John Cena, John Cena. The song in the video package tells us "this could be the year". As opposed to what? Last year, when Cena dominated the main event scene? The year before that? Oh, never mind. It's Cena going after World Champion Chris Jericho in the main event. I saw this match in person at SummerSlam 2005, and it was a better match then. Not that this is a bad match, but it's obvious that the Hollywood Marine isn't a hundred percent yet. Finally, Big Bad John hits the F-U for the victory and the title. John goes into the hometown crowd and celebrates with his family. The Cena-hating women are speechless as their boyfriends slap hands and celebrate.

I think I need to find a new bar.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, VA has been a Torch columnist since 2001.


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