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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive Survivor Series projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event. Projections are not predictions, because this columnist is neither a McMahon nor a Gewirtz nor "Fabulous Freebird" Michael Hayes. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Dupont Lucite paint, now available in over one thousand fashionable colors for long-lasting beauty inside or outside your home. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

Two items on this Survivor Series Sunday. First off is WWE.com's front page story about Jeff Hardy being found unconscious in a stairwell. If this is a storyline, and I believe and hope that it is, it is incredibly cynical for WWE to use a wrestler's past history of drug problems against him and to stir up interest for a lackluster pay-per-view. Then again, that would be par for the course for World Wrestling Entertainment. The only reason I would possibly believe the Hardy story is that, if Jeff Hardy had passed out in a stairwell the night before a major show, this is exactly the method WWE would have used to break the news to us.

How do I know this is a "lackluster" pay-per-view? I went to an indy show last night and hung out with the wrestlers and fans, and no one, not a single person, was talking about tonight's Survivor Series. Think about that for a moment. This is the company's major show of the season, and features the return of John Cena. But there's no sense of fans falling all over themselves to see these matches.

And, with the fake Jeff Hardy story, WWE managed to gloss over the real insider news for the month. The current WWE championship scene is being dictated by which wrestlers have a history of failing wellness tests. This includes the marijuana tests, unless you're politically connected. (This does not include C.M. Punk, who lost his push because people in the front office just don't like him.) On with the show!

Beth Phoenix, Candice Michelle, Jillian Hall, Kelly Kelly & Mickie James vs. Michelle McCool, Maria Kanellis, Maryse Oulette, Natalya Neidhart & Victoria Varon (Lady Wrestlers vs. Divas Elimination Match): The good is, we have a real chance of seeing Santino Marella at ringside for the Raw team. Projection? Michelle forces Jillian to submit, Mickie pins Maria, Victoria pins Kelly Kelly, Candice pins Maryse, Natalya pins Candice, Mickie pins Victoria, Michelle pins Mickie, Beth Phoenix makes Michelle tap to the chickenwing, and Beth pins Natalya with the Glam Slam after a timely distraction from Santino. Beth Phoenix is your sole survivor.

Shawn Michaels, Rey Mysterio, Great Khali & Cryme Tyme vs. John B. Layfield, Kane, Montel V. Porter, Mike Mizanin & John Morrison (Elimination Rules): If you're wondering why Michaels and Layfield are slotted for a long-term feud, it's because a guy who works a limited number of house shows should be paired with another guy who works a limited number of house shows. It just makes sense. Projection? Miz pins Shad Gaspard, M.V.P. pins JTG, Mysterio pins The Miz, Kane pins Mysterio, Michaels pins Kane, Michaels pins Morrison, Michaels and JBL fight to a double countout, and Khali pins M.V.P. The Michaels vs. JBL feud must continue. Khali is the sole survivor.

Dave Batista, "R-Truth" Ron Killings, Matt Hardy, C.M. Punk & Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, William Regal, Mark Henry & Shelton Benjamin (Elimination Rules): You have to admit, this is an impressive collection of wrestling talent. If there's one thing I've learned over the past few years, it's what happens when Randy Orton wrestles at the Survivor Series. Projection? Orton pins Punk, Regal pins Kingston, Mark Henry pins Matt Hardy ("injuring" Matt's bum knee in the process), Benjamin pins Killings, Batista pins Rhodes, Batista pins Regal, Batista pins Shelton, Batista pins Henry, Orton finishes off Batista with the running soccer kick to the head. Randy Orotn is your sole survivor, and Batista comes up short once again on pay-per-view.

Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Vladimir Kozlov (WWE Heavyweight Title): It was nice of WWE to give Jeff Hardy an excuse for not winning the WWE title, especially since WWE didn't give Hardy any sort of storyline excuse for losing his previous 3,176 world title shots. Projection? The injured Jeff Hardy battles gamely, and even puts Triple H through an announce table. However, the high flyer then falls victim to the super headbutt of Deam. Vladimir Kozlov is your new WWE champion, in the biggest upset since Brock Lesnar took over the UFC.

Chris Jericho vs. John Cena (Raw World Heavyweight Title): While Cena is the big alpha male and top babyface on Raw, it's impossible to believe WWE went through the whold double switch with the Raw championship just so they could turn around and put the belt back on John Cena. Sure, Vince McMahon is desperate for attention, but he's taking care of that with the whole unconscious Jeff Hardy storyline. Projection? Orton runs in and gets Jericho disqualified. Orton doesn't like Jericho and doesn't like Cena, so this actually makes sense.

The Undertaker vs. Big Show (Casket Match): And now it's time for the big finish. Can WWE squeeze another month out of the Undertaker-Big Show storyline? Projection? Edge returns, leads the Edgeheads and the returning Umaga out to interfere, and the group of them help Show stuff Undertaker in the coffin. (I'd have thrown Christian onto Edge's crew if possible.) The Show wins. Vickie Guerrero freaks out and takes a swing at Edge, but Show betrays Vickie and helps him dump Vickie in the coffin with Undertaker. It's a mutiny! WWE will absolutely go for this idea, because it give Shane and Stephanie an excuse to show up every week on Smackdown and "boost the ratings".

Aftermath: The next WWE pay-per-view is Armageddon. I can't think of anything more Armageddony than DX vs. Kozlov & JBL, Undertaker & Jeff Hardy vs. Edge & Big Show, Batista versus Orton, and Jericho vs. Cena with Randy Orton barred from ringside.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He really hopes Al Davis keeps his promise and hires an experienced general manager for the Oakland Raiders. He also hopes that general manager is Matt Millen. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

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