Email This Article - Contact Us - VIP Sign-Up - Back to Home Page

|

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these projections, but I, in my divine and mystical way, will ascertain the finishes to these matches without watching TNA Impact on Spike TV. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of tanning lotion from Hawaiian Tropic. Natural tanning lotions and oils from Hawaiian Tropic, the tan of the islands. If you land on "Bankrupt", you lose your cash but not your prizes, 'cause once you buy a prize, it's yours to keep. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

In case you missed TNA Impact, Scott Steiner of the Main Event Mafia made fun of the younger wrestlers for reading "mark wrestling sites". Well, if sites like PWTorch.com are the favorites of guys like Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley, and getting ripped by the likes of Scott Steiner, that makes the TORCH a babyface website. This is very exciting. While I've worked as a heel manager and a bumbling, Tunney-esque commissioner, I'm not used to working babyface and could use some pointers. How do I make a comeback? What about playing to the crowd? I'd wish I'd had some advance notice of this.

Anyway, if somebody in Nashville would drop me an e-mail, I'll pass along my routing info so you can send me my money for involuntarily participating in this TNA storyline. I'd ask for my share of the pay-per-view profits from Turning Point but, well, you know.

Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Tanahashi vs. Volador vs. Doug Williams vs. Eric Young vs. Homicide vs. Jimmy Rave vs. Petey Williams vs. Consequences Creed (Championship Seeding Match): Hey, it's a ten man X division contenders' match. Just like last month, except with slightly different participants. No, they're not even trying any more. Projection? This will allegedly determine the next challenger for Sheik Bashir's TNA X Division title. I vaguely remember how they did this match the last time. Your seeds will be...#10 Tanahashi, #9 Consequences Creed, #8 Jimmy Rave, #7 Jay Lethal, #6 Sonjay Dutt, #5 Petey Williams, #4 Doug Williams, #3 Homicide, #2 Volador, and Eric Young scores the victory and the #1 ranking.

Taylor Wilde & Roxxi vs. Awesome Kong & Raesha Saeed: I'm still trying to figure out why Roxxi is now the angry, violent knockout who swears a lot. How is this not O.D.B.'s job? Projection? After the damage done to Roxxi on Impact Thursday night, she is no match for Team Kong, and takes a pinfall from Ms. Saeed.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Rhino (Non-Title Match): Boy, that segemnet on the Las Vegas episode of Impact where Projection? It would be something to see the X Division champion score a victory of Rhino, who is a former two-time World Champion. And it's definitely not going to happen. Eric Young distracts the Shiek and Rhino wins it with a gore.

James Storm & Robert Roode (w/ Jacqueline Moore) vs. Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin (TNA Tag Team Titles): The current TNA tag team scene is so stale that the company has decided to push the Motor City Machine Guns, despite the issues they had with the Detroit duo several months ago. However, that push will only go so far. Projection? Roode pins Sabin after a beer bottle shot from James Storm.

Abyss vs. Kurt Angle : Abyss is after the Olympic Gold Medalist, and has the backing of Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett. On the other hand, Angle has an entire gang of spoiled main eventers backing his play. Projection? This has to be the match where we get a gaggle of outside interference, including run-ins from Jarrett, Foley, Scott Steiner, Matt Morgan, Beer Money and Booker T. And, in the end, Kurt gets the pin following the Olympic Slam.

Booker T. vs. Christian Cage (TNA Legends Title): For some reason, Christian Cage is excited about having a shot to win the fake belt brought in by the Main Event Mafia. Remember, if Cage loses he has to join the Main Event Mafia. Why the heels would wanrt the reluctant Instant Classic in their crew has not been adequately addressed at this time. Projection? Booker gets disqualified for Sharmell's interference, at which time The Book informs us that the belt can only change hands on a pinfall or submission.

Samoa Joe vs. Kevin Nash ("Revenge Match"): You have to agree with James Caldwell. TNA needed to do a "training video" showing how hard Nash is preparing for his match with Samoa Joe this weekend. For that matter, a Samoa Joe training video wouldn't have killed them. Projection? Joe blocks Nash from using the brass nucs on him, takes them, and knocks out Nash with the brass nucs for the pinfall.

Sting vs. A.J. Styles (TNA World Heavyweight Title): Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't these guys square off back when Styles was the heel World Champion some years ago? Sting isn't getting any younger, and Styles isn't getting any more over. Projection? Styles has the advantage, misses atop rope move and Sting scores the pin with the Scorpion Death Drop. You don't form a stable of main eventers and have them get wiped out less than a month later. Well, unless you're the current TNA booking team.

Aftermath: Next month is Final Resolution 2008. Wait, they've already had a "Final Resolution 2008" pay-per-view this year. Oh, well. Enjoy Samoa Joe, Christian Cage & A.J. Styles against Sting, Booker T and Kurt Angle, plus Jeff Jarrett vs. Scott Steiner, Beer Money vs. Abyss & Matt Morgan and Abdul Bashir vs. Eric Young.

***

Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He spends significantly less than $150,000 per year on his wardrobe. His longer columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

For more BREAKING NEWS on WWE, TNA!
VISIT OUR AFFILIATE - PROWRESTLING.NET

For UFC & MMA NEWS & BLOGS:
VISIT OUR SISTER SITE - MMATORCH.COM

Upgrade to PWTORCH VIP: DETAILS & SIGN-UP INFO

(c) 1999-2009 TDH Communications Inc. - All rights reserved.