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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive Cyber Sunday projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, except for the part where the columnist cries himself to sleep. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what runs through the minds of the Stamford branch of the Keepers Of Odd Knowledge. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the Casio F91W digital watch. A tried and true style great for casual wear. You’ll never need to worry about missing an appointment again. Furnished by Casio. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.

Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Entertainment braintrust have spent the past month redefining their personal realities. Wrestling fans have now been rebranded as "the WWE Universe". Wrestlers are no longer superstars, they're "entertainers". The bad news is, no matter what you call the fans or the wrestlers, or even if you claim ownership of your own universe, Raw is still drawing a 2.9 rating. Plus, there are several wrestlers on the active WWE roster who don't entertain me one bit.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Fan's Choice (WWE United States Title): Shelton Benjamin won the U.S. title when it looked as though ECW would end up touring with Raw instead of Smackdown. Of course, that didn't happen. Now, WWE has to come up with some serious contenders for the Gold Standard. Projection? The fans select "R-Truth" Ron Killings. Killings tells the truth, which is that he never regained the fire he had as TNA's heel champion six years ago. Okay, just kidding. Benjamin wins with the T-Bone suplex or something.

Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle vs. Michelle McCool vs. Brie Bella vs. Jillian Hall vs. Katie Lea Burchill vs. Mickie James vs. Natalya Neidhart vs. Kelly Kelly vs. Layla El vs. Lena Yada vs. Maria Kanellis vs. Victoria Varon vs. Maryse Oullett vs. Eve Torres vs. Tiffany Terrell (Halloween Costume Contest): The ladies of WWE will be dressed in sexy and provocative outfits for our entertainment. We can only hope Victoria busts out the Yokozuna costume one more time. Projection? When in doubt, you have to go with the defending champion, until she is dethroned. Mickie James wins for the second year in a row.

Mystery Tag Team Match: Believe it or not, I like the idea behind this match. WWE is laying out three tag team matches and letting us choose which one we'd like to watch. In fact, WWE should consider booking twenty-four possible matches for next year's show and letting us choose the eight we'd like to watch. I think the process would be instructive. Projection? We'll end up watching Cryme Tyme defeat Mike Mizanin and John Morrison.

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane (Stipulation Chosen By Fan Vote): Judging by recent episodes of Raw and the upcoming house show lineups, the feud between Mysterio and Kane will wrap up some time during the Obama Administration. And that's assuming McCain serves until 2013. Projection? The fans give Mysterio the stipulation he wants, which is a two out of three falls match. Mysterio wins the first fall, Kane takes the last two, and we roll on into the Survivor Series.

Santino Marella vs. Fan's Choice (WWE Intercontinental Title): Marella continues to rise up the ranks of the infamous Honk-A-Meter. He's only a year away from threatening Honky Tonk Man's record as the longest reigning WWE Intercontinental Champion. Projection? Roddy Piper wins the fan balloting, because these are WWE fans and this is Roddy Freaking Piper we're talking about. Santino escapes with a pinfall after Beth Phoenix distracts Hot Rod.

Undertaker vs. The Big Show (Stipulation Chosen By Fan Vote): We can all learn something from the feud between The Dead Man and the World's Largest Athlete. A few weeks ago, Undertaker put over Show relatively clean at No Mercy. Did this kill Undertaker's mystique? Did the harm the fans' connection with Booger Red? Absolutely not. Now, if only WWE would put this sort of effort into a wrestler who hasn't already main evented WrestleMania. Projection? The fans will vote for a Knockout Match. Undertaker bobs and weaves, dodges the big right hand and puts Show down with a series of soupbones followed by a chokeslam.

Matt Hardy vs. Fan's Choice (ECW Heavyweight Title): Undoubtedly, there are people who would like to see another rematch between ECW champion Matt Hardy and former champ Mark Henry. It would be nice to round up all of these people and smack them. Projection? Evan Bourne gets the nod from the WWE fans, and we get about ten minutes of a three-star match before Hardy gains the victory.

Chris Jericho vs. Dave Batista (Raw World Heavyweight Title – Referee Chosen By Fan Vote): Shawn Michaels has been struggling with the unpopular Raw champion for the past five months. Naturally, there's no way the fans are going to give The Heartbreak Kid the chance to officiate this match and cost Jericho the title. Projection? Jericho knocks out Batista with a chair and gets himself disqualified to keep the belt. Austin stuns Jericho and drinks a million beers to celebrate.

Triple H vs. Fan's Choice (WWE Championship): Someone will earn the honor of putting over smug babyface jackass son-in-law Triple H. Projection? Despite WWE's best efforts to work Kozlov into the match, Jeff Hardy will face The Game alone. Kozlov attacks Triple H and puts him down with a vicious headbutt, enabling Jeff Hardy to finally, finally win the WWE title. Needless to say, this will put the cerebral assassin on the rampage.

Aftermath: Survivor Series is next, so we'll see Jericho defending against Cena, C.M. Punk leading a team against a team led by the returning Randy Orton, and Jeff Hardy, Triple H and Vladimir Kozlov battle in a three-way for the WWE title.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001, and has proclaimed himself the greatest Intercontinental wrestling podcaster of all time. He's anxious to finish this preview and finish watching the Ohio State game. His online pay-per-view previews run exclusively here at PWTorch.com. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter.


Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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