MCNEILL'S TAKE Take Off To The Great White North! McNEILL previews TNA No Surrender! Sep 14, 2008 - 8:21:09 AM

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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from TNA management. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Lee Press-On Nails. They press on in seconds. No glue, no mess. In natural and glamour lengths. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had booking control over Total Nonstop Action.

As we discussed earlier this week on the VIP "Real Deal" podcast, all the intrigue for this show centers around people who are not scheduled to wrestle. Will Sting interfere and help Booker T capture the TNA Heavyweight Title? Will Jeff Jarrett interfere and protect Samoa Joe's title reign? Will Kevin Nash betray Samoa Joe and help his old friend Kurt Angle regain the strap? And, will Mick Foley show up and help, uh, Christian Cage or somebody? Who knows? But there are some matches we can talk about in the meantime.

ODB vs. Awesome Kong (Falls Count Anywhere): This doesn't need a lot of hype, and it should be plenty of fun. Projection? Kong needs a big win, and with the stipulations, there's no excuse not to let her score the victory unless she's about to jump to WWE. Roxxi counters the interference of Raisha, but Kong gives her the implant facebuster on the floor for the victory.

Curry Man, Shark Boy & Super Eric vs. Jimmy Rave, Lance Rock & Christy Hemme: Christy's wrestling three guys, and I can't even make a joke out of it. These people are convinced that wrestling fans want to see men wrestle women despite a decade of evidence to the contrary. Projection? Super Eric pins Christy and, hopefully, we can all forget this storyline and what nimrods the masked men are around women.

Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt (Ladder Match for So Cal Val's Engagement Ring): No, I'm not making this up. I wish I were. Lethal, Dutt and Val are such bad actors that I'm waiting for Shane McMahon to sign all of them to a three picture deal over at WWE Films. Projection? Dutt cheats and gets the ring. According to TNA storylines, if he's smart, he'll pawn it.

Taylor Wilde vs. Angelina Love (TNA Knockout Title): The "beauty pageant" on Impact Thursday night was so bad that I had to watch an hour on SHIMMER on DVD to scrub my mind of it. Then again, the ratings went up to a 1.1. Either I'm out of touch with TNA fans, or the return of Jeff Jarrett was a bigger draw than I thought. Projection? They're both good wrestlers, but Angelina could do more the championship. Between Kip James and Velvet Sky, there should be enough outside intereference for this to happen.

Abyss & Matt Morgan vs. Team 3-D: Team 3-D cost the new team of Abyss and Morgan their match on Impact. Therefore, this feud, which has lasted less than 72 hours, MUST continue. Projection? Even though the entire wrestling world seems to agree on what an awful person Mark "Brother Ray" Lamonica is, he hasn't done anything to deserve having him put over Matt Morgan. Devon pins Matt after a Deadly Death Drop. Thank you, please drive through.

A.J. Styles vs. Frank Trigg (Mixed Martial Arts Match) : That's right. "The Phenomenal" A.J. Styles, the top bump guy in the promotion, is booked in a fake shootfight against "ground and pound" Frank Trigg on pay-per-view. Nice work, guys. Projection? Nothing good can come of a real shootfight between these two, and a fake shootfight might not be fun to watch. Let's say that Angle interferes against Styles and the match gets thrown out.

Petey Williams vs. Consequences Creed vs. Shiek Abdul Bashir (TNA X Division Title): Both challengers are good and entertaining wrestlers, but the TNA X division is already seriously lacking in gravitas as it is. Yes, I'm using "gravitas" in the same sentence as Petey "Pump" Williams, a sure sign this segment has gone of the rails. Projection? Petey pins the Shiek, who can move on to threatening to break our backs and make us humble.

James Storm & Robert Roode vs. Homicide & Hernandez (TNA Tag Team Titles): Actually, since James Storm reportedly sustained a concussion last night, I'd change this match around. Or, you can have the match without Storm doing much of anything. Projection? Roode pins Hernandez after a beer bottle shot from Storm. That sounds about right.

Samoa Joe vs. Booker T vs. Christian Cage vs. Kurt Angle (Fatal Four Way Match - TNA World Heavyweight Title): With all the people set to interefre here, do you need an actual match? This wil be a festival of run-ins, with Earl Hebner playing traffic cop until he gets bumped. Projection? Jeff Jarrett gets the final run-in, knocking out Angle with the gee-tar so Joe can retain the TNA championship. After the match, Mick Foley comes out and challenges Samoa Joe for the belt. If we're going to do the big "Bound For Glory" show, we might as well get some good promos out of it.

Aftermath: Next month is Bound For Glory. It falls on the same night as the Patriots against the Chargers on Sunday Night Football, so I wouldn't expect much of a buyrate for this baby either. Do Samoa Joe vs. Mick Foley, A.J. Styles & Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle & Sting, Jay Lethal vs. Booker T, Christian Cage & Rhino vs. Beer Money, and Petey Williams vs. Sonjay Dutt.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He can't believe the Maryland Terrapins beat California yesterday. His "McNeill Factor" column appears weekly in the Torch Newsletter.

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