MCNEILL'S TAKE
Rock Out! McNEILL previews WWE Unforgiven.
Sep 6, 2008 - 1:53:19 PM |
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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist
Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive Unforgiven projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event. Projections are not predictions, because we can't imagine what runs through the minds of crazy middle-aged chairmen of the board right after they have another birthday. This preview was sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Mr. Turkey brand deli meats. Fat free cuts of delicious bologna, salami and ham, furnished by Sara Lee. Pat McNeill's wardrobe is provided by "Mr. Guy of Beverly Hills". Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing.
The big news this week saw Shawn Michaels get injured at the Raw tapings Sunday night in Saint Louis. After a couple days of panic, it turned out that Michaels will not require surgery, and will be ready to go tomorrow night in Cleveland.
Meanwhile, there's not much interest in the show in Cleveland. Reportedly, good seats are still available. There's also not much interest here in Richmond, but we're in the middle of Hurricane Hanna, political campaign season, the start of American football season and the big NASCAR race (which is now supposed to take place opposite Unforgiven.) If the buyrate is down for this show, WWE has a bunch of premade excuses.
Will there be another match added to this show?: If the company decides they need that seventh match tomorrow night, my money is on Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder making a successful defense of the Smackdown tag team titles against Jesse & Festus Dalton.
Vickie Guerrero promises an apology from The Undertaker: Vickie promised us this on Smackdown. WIth the current writing crew in charge, my money is on Vickie paying Charlie Haas to dress up as The Undertaker. The Haastaker apologizes, then the real Undertaker comes out and beats the crap out of Charlie and Bam Neely and the ex-Edgeheads. Then, for added intrigue, Big Show comes out and has a staredown with Undertaker. Yes, I'm going there. Get the Undertaker vs. Big Show feud out of the way now, so we don't have to see it at WrestleMania in Houston.
Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Junior vs. Cryme Tyme (WWE World Tag Team Titles): Shad Gaspard and JTG deserve to be thanked for supplying street cred to John Cena, thug from West Newbury. Their thanks comes in the form of a title match on pay-per-view. Projection? Cody pins Shad after a belt shot from Young Teddy.
Michelle McCool vs. Maryse Oulett (WWE Diva Title): Reports out of WWE are that the Smackdown writers are trying to give Maryse more of a personality, beginning with a nickname. Of course, the creative team can't agree on the nickname. Some people call her the Space Cowgirl, and some call her the Gangster of Love. (Thank yew! I'll be at the Chuckle Hut in Hoboken on Thursday night, then at Yuk-Yuk's in Paramus on Friday.) Projection? Oh, Michelle's going to win with that submission move of hers.
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho (Unsanctioned Match): The biggest wrestling match of the year, and the only pro wrestling match that matters in North America for the next couple of weeks. Projection? Tough call, thanks to Michaels' injury. But we'll give it a go. Before the match, Michaels charges the ring and tries to strangle Chris Jericho, to the point where it takes a dozen security people to split them up, and the match gets thrown out. After the audience boos, Raw GM Mike Adamle announces that they will restart the match later in the show. The actual match starts with Jericho working the injured arm on Michaels. Michaels survives the onslaught and wins with a superkick. After the match, Jericho grabs the hammer from the ring bell and works over the eye of Michaels, giving Michaels another month or so to rest.
Mark Henry vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Fit Finlay vs. Matt Hardy vs. Mike Mizanin (ECW Heavyweight Title - Scramble Match): The rules for the Championship Scramble matches have two wrestlers starting the match, a new wrestler added every five minutes, and the match ending at twenty minutes sharp, with the last person to score a fall being the winner. Projection? Let's say that Matt and Chavo start the match, followed by Finlay, Miz and Henry, in that order. Matt Hardy survives the odds and scores a fall or two before Henry pins Finlay in the final seconds of the match to keep the title.
C.M. Punk vs. Dave Batista vs. John B. Layfield vs. Kane vs. Rey Mysterio (Raw World Heavyweight Title - Scramble Match): Rey Mysterio somehow survived the assualts from the monstrous Kane and is back in the Championship Scramble match. C.M. Punk has to outwit John Layfield again, some more. And Batista will be looking to kill everybody. Projection? Punk and JBL start, followed by Mysterio, Kane and Batista. Batista spends the last five minutes of this match knocking the crap out of everybody else, and Punk rolls up Kane in the final minute of the match to keep the title. Do you notice a trend?
After the match, young Randy Orton pops his head out to announce that he's coming back soon, and challenges Punk to a World title match at Survivor Series. Two months ought to be enough time to build this one up.
Triple H vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Jeff Hardy vs. M.V.P. vs. Shelton Benjamin (WWE Championship - Scramble Match): I apologize to fans of Michaels and Jericho, but you can't justify a pay-per-view unless Jim Ross is calling the main event. And by the way, the WWE title is on the line. Not that it's mattered over the past couple of months. Where was I? Oh, yes. Projection? Jeff Hardy and Shelton start the match, followed by M.V.P., Triple H and The Brian Kendrick. It doesn't really matter what happens during the match, except that, at one point, M.V.P. pins The Game with a double handful of tights. Hunter gets irate and spend the last several minutes of the match knocking folks around, finally Pedigreeing and pinning Kendrick to keep his title.
The fun part begins on Friday Night Smackdown, when M.V.P. starts running around calling himself the uncrowned WWE champion, the People's Champion, and the guy who's 1-0 against Triple H. It won't take much from there to set up M.V.P. vs. Hunter at No Mercy. And yes, I realize that M.V.P. is in hot water with the WWE office, but I don't actually care. If they want to try this with Shelton Benjamin instead of Mr. Porter, that's fine. But I'm a big fan of stuff that works.
Aftermath: At some point this fall, we are likely to see the returns of Randy Orton, Edge, Shawn Michaels and John Cena. Also, if WWE really wants to, they can grab the like of Gail Kim, Awesome Kong, Team 3-D, Christian Cage and Kevin Nash away from TNA. This company should be in great shape. They can do the Triple H vs. M.V.P. match, Undertaker vs. Big Show, and Punk against Chris Jericho for No Mercy. But really, it's time to focus on the writing and booking of this company. The talent is good enough to take care of itself.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001, and has proclaimed himself the greatest Intercontinental wrestling podcaster of all time. He is stuck in the backwash of Hurricane Hanna. His online pay-per-view previews run exclusively here at PWTorch.com. His longer "McNeill Factor" columns appear in the Torch Newsletter. VIP members should check out the "Real Deal with Pat McNeill" audio show every week.
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