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Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for this month's WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Incapacitated Vince McMahon, his pregnant daughter, or Michael Hayes. Projections are not predictions. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Quaker's Corn Bran cereal. You'll delight in the lightly sweetened crunchy corn flavor of this wholesome cereal. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE except for the part where he'd have to pretend he liked the closing Vince McMahon sketch on Raw.

We interrupt the last day of Moving Weekend to preview tonight's big show.

On the Pre-Show: If you somehow missed the final segment of Smackdown, you can see the Edgeheads attacking Batista in Houston, while Jim Ross did his best to act excited. And you'll get to see what Jack Korpela's wearing.

There are also rumblings of an impromptu Chris Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy match. My guess is, you do this match tonight with Jericho getting disqualified, then bring it back on Raw and have Shawn Michaels cost Jericho the title, setting up their eventual showdown at next month's Great American Bash. Your mileage may vary.

Mickie James vs. Katie Lea Burchill (WWE Women's Title Match): Nope. Katie isn't established well enough yet for this spot. Projection? Mickie with the Last Kiss, and Beth Phoenix runs out to interject herself into this deal.

Matt Hardy vs. Chavo Guerrero (WWE United States Title): There might be enough titles for everyone in this company, but putting the US strap on Chavito? Again, no. Projection? Twist of Fate, Matt wins, let's find both these guys new opponents.

John Morrison & The Miz vs. Fit Finlay & Hornswoggle Finlay (WWE Tag Team Titles): You know what could shake ECW out of its doldrums? Having a midget hold one-half of the tag team titles. Or not. Projection? Miz pins Hornswoggle. This idea should have died in the creative meetings.

Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase & Mystery Partner (World Tag Team Titles): This should be an easy one. DiBiase is doing a second generation stable? In that case, his partner should be Deuce Shade, who was just drafted to Raw. WWE will never use a suggestion from this website, so I suggest renaming him "Clyde Snuka". Projection? Cody turns on Holly and helps DiBiase and Snuka leave with the tag team titles. Holly gets Jim Duggan and Val Venas, and we have a veterans vs. young guns feud.

Kane vs. Big Show vs. Mark Henry (ECW Heavyweight Title): How is WWE to deal with the recent racial discrimination accusations? Well, they could actively recruit, develop and push minority wrestlers as accomplished athletes and champions. Or they could go for the quick fix and do what they're going to do tonight. Projection? Mark Henry pins Kane and WWE has an African-American "World Champion" headlining on Tuesday nights. Bonus points for WWE Creative if Great Khali dresses in the Giant Gonzalez bodysuit and attacks Big Show to set up the finish.

Edge vs. Dave Batista (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title): There's no reason why WWE can't have Dave Batista capture the blet here. Well, actually, there are two. Edge needs the belt going into this wedding storyline with Vickie Guerrero, and Batista needs motivation to snap and turn heel. Projection? Big Dave fights through the heel chorus line, and Edge gets the win by hooking the tights. Batista goes nuts after the match.

Triple H vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title): The two biggest stars in WWE face off on a major show. Hunter could win, but you have to remember that Hunter is the one leaving Raw and has to job on the way out, Hunter will probably need some paternity down time soon, and WWE loves to screw with the expectations of Hunter's detractors and Cena-haters. Projection? In other words, Cena wins with the F-U and gets the spinning belt back.

Aftermath: It's The Great American Bash, and there's nothing greater than Michaels vs. Jericho, Jeff Hardy vs. Edge and John Cena defends his WWE strap against Lance Cade.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Virginia has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He is anxiously awaiting a return to normalcy. His longer, weekly column appears exclusively in the Torch Newsletter.

Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.

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